I'm writing this during a fairly impressive thunderstorm. We'll see if it makes it to the finish without me having to restart my computer :-)
Tonight, I had a brief but deep conversation with a friend at church. She looked at me point blank and asked, "What do you think when you think about what might happen?" That's a tough question.
She went on to say that I have always wanted to be the next Jim Elliot. I have been wracking my brain for the last two hours trying to figure out when on earth I told her that. It is true; I have always wanted to live a life that impacted the world, a life of complete surrender. For me that probably doesn't include learning a foreign language and traipsing into a spear-bearing crowd. Sacrifice looks different for everyone.
The thought occurred to me on the way home tonight, "Am I willing to be someone else's Isaac?" The sacrifice that must take place in order to 'prove' one's faith.
For years, I have prayed for the faith of my family, that they would grasp God. That they would truly KNOW Him. Nothing has seemed to work, and I remember once praying, "God whatever it takes. I would die if I knew that it would bring them closer to you." We both smiled tonight when I told her that this isn't quite what I expected.
To be truthful, my outlook on my future has changed a lot over the past five days. I suddenly realize that we really aren't promised tomorrow. It's funny, you hit 21 and think you are invincible. You're not. I'm not, and every time I feel the catch in my neck or the ache under my arm I am reminded of how UN-invincible I am. But He holds tomorrow. I could easily get in a serious accident and have the whole thing be over with. Only He knows.
"If my life is going to change, I am going to change someone else's with it." I said that, and she remembered it. That is truth.
I don't know if that change would include death at this point. She and I talked about that. I told her that for all I know, I could just have pain that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. They could just be cysts that are going to drive me bonkers for forever, but I would be a fool to not consider what is possible.
My life has changed, and it will continue to change. These past few days have ignited a passion unlike any I have ever known. It is easy to give up your dreams when you don't think you will have time for them anyway. I have seen what my priorities are and what they should be. May the outcome of these tests never change that perspective. I live, not for myself, but for the glory of God.
I think back to two dear friends I have lost in the last 4 years, both 22. Darcy and Josh. Darcy had 'all of her dreams.' She was married to an amazing man, a preacher. They were out on ministry singing and were killed instantly in a fiery crash. Josh was on the brink of all of his dreams. He was engaged to be married, ready to enter training to be a local church missionary. He fought cancer for a year, until it took him. Both have majorly impacted my life. They have been Isaacs to me. Willing servants of the Most High, who were obedient to His leading, whose deaths changed my faith.
If my death meant that just one teenager caught on fire for God, would I go willingly? Am I willing to be Isaac for someone else?