As long as I live there will be something worth fighting for, worth writing for, and worth dying for.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Before A Fall...

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

Remind me of that verse, because, apparently I forget it... often. Ever had an early Halloween? You know, one of those days that you are just enjoying life, minding your own business. Your bodies have been buried, so to speak, and there is a knock on the door. Being the pompous hard head you are, you forget to see who it is first, and open the door.

Behold, one of the aforementioned bodies, now rotten and decaying but seemingly stronger than ever, stands before you. And you, in all your pride, are now shocked to the point of no movement. The unwelcomed guest then promptly kicks down the door and barges into your house, makes his way to the fridge, grabs a soda and settles in on your couch... great. The next 24 hours well be devoted to how to get him off your sofa and out of the house.

That has been my day today. A skeleton just busted into my house and I let him trash it, and I, frankly, am so disgusted with myself I could throw up. It has been tempting numerous times throughout today. Conviction-- which tells me I still have a spiritual pulse, but no fun, regardless. My 'house' now reeks and it will take me another two months to rid it of this stench, and the temptation grows to want to find the nearest closet and lock myself in for a while.

See, Christians mess up, we really do. I mess up more often than I care to admit. There have been times when I've wondered if I'm throwing some kind of reunion to catch up with my past life. The invitation is usually the spirit of, "I got this. I got it made."

People like to make me out to be bigger than what I am. I have been thrust into the spotlight, and there are times that I have thrust myself there. I've have been told I am strong and there are times I make myself strong when I really am so weak. I am so small...if there is any greatness or beauty in me, it is because of Him. I forget that; people forget that. So, I skip a couple days of devotions, after all, I got this. I call up some old friends (figuratively speaking), after all, I got this. I wander back into the world just to take a look around because, after all, I got this. Next thing I know, there is an unwanted pest in my home and I suddenly realize "Idiot, you don't got this."

I love music. I love literary arts, of which music is one (in my opinion) and there are so many songs that are fitting for this moment in my life right now.

Stained Glass Masquerade, by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails? Is there anyone that falls? Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?
Cause when I take a look around everybody seems so strong. I know they'll soon discover that I don't belong.

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay. If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too. So with a painted grin, I play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.

Or I wish by Point of Grace

I wish I didn't feel so helpless. Wish I didn't act so selfish. Wish I didn't wring my hands night and day... I wish I wouldn't hide what's been going on inside. And I wish you wouldn't get scared and run away...wish I was doing better with all the things that matter. Guess I got some learning to do...

So, what's the answer? Well, at this point, I could easily go up to my room and pound on something until I hurt my hand. I've spent most of today under a heavy burden of guilt and frustration. I have shed tears and I have pounded stuff. I've cleaned, to the point of scrubbing our walls (I clean when I am upset). In the end though, He is my only answer. He is my only hope.

On My Own, Barlow Girl

I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life, should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time.

'Cause I promise myself I wouldn't fall but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought; all I can do is cry to You!

Oh, God You have to save me; You're my last and only hope. All my right answers fail me. I can't seem to make it on my own

I always thought that I would be strong enough. What made all of them fall couldn't take me down. Why did I think that I was above it all? I have learned that pride comes before the fall.

I can't promise that I won't fall, 'Cause here I've fallen. I know I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to You.

Can I be completely honest with you? (Of course I can, this is my blog). I struggle with self-worth, a lot. Not so much self-esteem, but self-worth. You might sit there and tell me that there is no difference. I believe there is.

I have struggled with that for... forever. That is the one sole thing that kept me from salvation for so long. I didn't feel worthy of love. There are days (like today) that I still don't. That has been a major focus of mine for the past few months. God is still working on me in that area.

You know what is amazing about God, He still loves me. Even when I don't feel loveable, He still loves me.

We are not strong outside of His grace. I wish I would stop forgetting that.