To say I am at a breaking point would be an understatement. Right now, I would consider myself just plain broken. I have spent the past 24 hours grappling with where I am after 24 years of life. I cried myself to sleep last night as I thought, "This is not where I wanted to be." My life feels so impactless at the moment. I know it has its impact, but I had hoped it would be more. Much more.
So, I am broken, because somewhere along the line I missed a step, I think. That step would be the sacred.
Years ago (man I feel old when I say that), I read a book by Eric Ludy. The book, entitled, "Meet Mr. Smith" talked about the sacred. In it, Eric introduces the reader to Sacred, a personification of the attribute that should be present in our lives. In telling the story, Eric shares how he actually set the book itself aside, in the face of looming deadlines, in order to care for that which is sacred- his wife.
For me, sacredness and patience work hand in hand. That which is sacred must be waited for. I can get so impulsive. My train of thought is instant. If God calls me to be a missionary, I should go now. It does not make sense for me to wait for two years. If God calls me to write something, I should write it now, and in turn He should publish it now. Right? It's not like it isn't needed right now. Right?
But this morning, as I sat in little pieces on the floor, a friend sent me a Scripture reference: Ecclesiastes 3:11. If you will tolerate a paraphrase: God makes all things beautiful in His time; don't try to figure out what He's doing.
That was the version according to Jessica. That is how I read it this morning.
As we come up on Christmas, I think back to a Sunday school lesson I taught months ago. I talked about how the world had waited for Christ. That's why the hymn sings, "Come thou long-expected Jesus." For centuries the world waited for Redemption. Did they need the Redemption then? Of course they did. Did God know what was best? Absolutely.
So, I have spent some time reflecting on God's timing. Some people say to never despise small beginnings, to serve where you stand, to bloom where you are planted. That's all fine well and good except for the fact that when Jessica is given a brick, I build the whole wall. I am not one to enjoy the journey. I am one to find the quickest route possible to the destination. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line at five over the speed limit. That's how I work. So, God gives me bricks, lays a foundation and then I grab the blue prints and build the rest of the wall. Sure, I had small beginnings, and I didn't despise them but doesn't God want more from me... and now?
I build it up, and then triumphantly turn and face my Father. With love in His eyes, He says, "Tear it down." I'm crushed. What?! "Tear it down. That isn't want I wanted for you. Tear it down."
And down it comes again. That's where I stand right now. Or maybe I am sitting. Sitting amongst a pile of broken dreams trying to figure out the exact point when God's work became mine. I can't find that point, so it's back to the drawing board. Given the choice of cutting myself on broken glass and letting God help me start over, I think I pick the latter.