Pieces of Alabaster

Where I've Been

2011-05-19T20:47:00.000-04:00

For the very few of you who follow this but don't follow me on Facebook, the past two months have been full of growth. God ripped open doors for Beggar's Daughter that I never anticipated, and I have been devoting much of my energy to growing that ministry. Because of that, I decided not to apply to the sex trafficking ministry this past April and to pray about it more and wait for God to lead.

Instead, I have been focusing on writing and, as I said earlier, growing Beggar's Daughter. There was a site upgrade (that I am still getting used to) and a lot of writing for my first book. I have spent the last three weeks researching agents and publishers and getting in touch with my contacts in the ministry/editing/publishing worlds.

I spent the last week of April casting out hooks for freelance articles and will be published this fall in a Christian magazine for teen girls and will be published at some point in a magazine for Christian women- neither is officially confirmed so I cannot announce them.

That same week, I was contacted by a missions organization in Canada asking me to come speak to their female missionaries. I agreed and then was offered to speak at a women's breakfast the same weekend... this weekend. I am actually currently in New York at a host home waiting to drive in to Canada tomorrow afternoon. I am staying at a lovely farmhouse and went out to visit the cows this afternoon (this country girl still has some spunk left in her!) Cows: 1 My laundry:0

I will speak tomorrow evening and then again on Saturday morning. If you know anyone in or around the Ottawa area, please send them over!

A couple days ago, the door opened for one of the largest ministry partnerships Beggar's Daughter has had to date. It is a big deal and will give huge exposure, clout and opportunity to this ministry. It is stretching for me as well. I will be addressing a different aspect of this ministry: talking with male youth leaders about how to approach the topic of purity with their teenage girls. Phew! There are alot of details in that, but I am excited about the opportunity and grateful for another partner in this ministry.

God is doing big things over at Beggar's Daughter, so if I am not over here much, swing over there.

Prayer requests for now:

For guidance in this book-writing process. If anyone out there thought this was easy, think again! Navigating the rapids of agents and publishers and guidelines is not for the faint of heart. It is exhausting, frustrating, and full of disappointment. I already have three agent rejections!

For open doors in ministry. There are a few potential outlets for Beggar's Daughter in development and I am excited to be able to spend the summer working on them.

To the Broken

2011-03-28T21:52:00.000-04:00

The past year has been full of God pushing me from my comfort zone. It was about a year ago that He called me to give up my Sunday School class-- a Sunday School class that was two hard years in the making. I wasn't even there a year when I felt Him call me away.

I was so confused. It broke my heart.

Since coming to know Christ, ministry is all I've ever known. All I've ever felt; the only life I can possibly imagine myself living.

As I let go of the Sunday School class, He opened a door for the unchurched. I began working at a local crisis pregnancy center. Nothing describes ministering to the broken in that way. Nothing describes feeling God give you words and watching as His Spirit literally chisels into the heart sitting across from you. In 10 minutes, I know more about that young woman than most others in her life. I have watched her cry; I know her fears; know her dreams-- not because I am some fantastic interrogator, but because I serve an Awesome God who trusts I'll know what to do with that information. In the past year, I have dropped the ball many times.

At the beginning of this year, as I finished up my time in Canada, I looked ahead at the 12 months in front of me, and had a growing suspicion that this would be the year. I am still not exactly sure what the "the" is, but since the first day of this year, I have known God was going to work mightily, and He has.

In January, He called me to walk away from my church. Say what?! But the message was fairly clear, "Your ministry is done here."

I was confused. But I tried to trust.

I began attending a new local church. A big local church, with a great youth ministry. The first Sunday I was offered a position as a Jr. High girls Bible Study leader. I was also offered a position on the church's sexual addiction recovery team. I jumped on the latter, before I applied for the former.

A few weeks later, I found I had been accepted to the youth leadership team. And I've had to force myself to go to any of the meetings.

This weekend was a weekend of change, and I knew it was coming. About a week ago, I had sensed I was on the threshhold of something, and had prayed that God would give me the faith to get through it. On Saturday, as I sat in an inservice at the pregnancy center, I felt so passionate. I stood up and gave a testimony of how I have a heart for teenage girls and college-age women. And the words felt dry. They felt empty. They felt fake.

Fake!? How is this fake!? I hate being fake! Why was that fake?

What is happening to me?

Sunday morning, I went to church, and dreaded the thought of going to housegroups that afternoon. As we left, I saw the teens emptying out of a room upstairs. I hadn't realized they were having youth group (since we had changed locations on Sunday). I turned to my mother, "Man! I didn't know they were having youth group!" But as I said it, it felt... fake.

What is going on? What is wrong with me?

I immediately figured I was off spiritually. Certainly, I must not be praying hard enough or reading enough because this isn't making any sense. A year before, I wept as I felt God pulling me away from my girls. I love... loved... them. Now, I felt distant.

Where did my heart go and run off to this time?

I spent Sunday afternoon sleeping. Maybe I was just tired and that was making me apathetic, though I wasn't really being apathetic. I had worshipped passionately that morning and listened enthralled as the pastor pulled truths out of Jesus' talk with Peter (you know, the "Feed my Sheep" one). I remember rejoicing in the grace and love He had shown me and thinking how much my life reminds me of that story. Then, two minutes later I'm walking out and shrugging off the fact that I missed youth group.

Last night, I went to the young adult group (part of the same church). I've always felt connected there. Maybe I would feel better. Maybe I was bordering discontent.

Enter Cindy. I'll never be able to tell her this, but God used Cindy in a mighty way last night. Cindy works with sex trafficked women. Cindy is going to India to work with sex trafficked women. She leaves next month, but for the past couple years, she's been working in DC.

Say what?

When I think of sex trafficking, I don't think of DC. Just being honest here. As she spoke, I was captivated. I listened intently and finally heard the name of the ministry she worked with. I logged it away, and then sat through a message on the Great Commission.

A highlight from the sermon:

John: God, I've been praying for someone to come share you in my workplace. I've been praying for a light and a witness to come and share the love of Jesus Christ. I hope they come soon.

God: They're coming tomorrow, and they're named "you!"

John: No, that can't be right; I have to pray some more.

(to listen to the whole thing, you can go here: http://frontlinedc.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=122453&programId=87967)

It's starting to click for me. Again, I am still struggling to grasp 100% what 'it' is. But I woke up this morning thinking about the hookers on the street. Seriously, that was the first thought that popped in my mind. I checked my Facebook and saw pictures of a brand new baby girl. The fifth one I have welcomed this year. The message was clear to my heart, "Change is coming. Your ministry is growing."

I just looked up the ministry website. They deal with teenage girls (ages 11-17) who are unloved, rejected and at risk of becoming sex slaves. They have a street ministry, where, like Jesus, we go out on the street and find the prostitutes and tell them God loves them. That they are worth more. What's more. They are accepting applications in April.

Do you see the connection? Do you get it? The girls Beggar's Daughter seeks to reach become the women on the street. Those women on the street become the women across from me in the pregnancy center.

When I graduated from Bible college, I was all about discipleship. My job was to minister to the saved women, to the girls in church, not the girls out there. But God has been slowly pulling me away from that. Looking back, I think I am actually a bit of an idiot for thinking that God would pull me away from one church-based teen ministry just to put me in another one (duh Jessica!)

Somehow, I found myself in full-time sex ministry and have no clue how that happened, and definitely never intended on that happening. Ever.

But one thing I know for sure. Nearly 7 years ago, I knelt at an altar and told God He could have it all- my plans for my future, my hopes, my dreams, everything. He has never left me hungry, or in need. He, my God, is so faithful, so great, and He has given His love away so freely. He gave His life for me, giving mine up to Him is the least I can do.

On This I Stand

2010-12-17T17:46:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading a beautiful post by a photographer friend of mine. Julie and I met my last summer of Bible college. Our interaction was brief and limited, but I remember Julie. January 1, her life will change, and today, I stumbled across her last blog before becoming Mrs. Johnson. In it, she talked of a little picket fence and how God had brought this chapter in her life full-circle, literally.

Two years ago, as she- a young single woman- stood on the edge of seeing her dream career take flight, she came upon this picket fence. It was a backdrop for her first 'professional' photo session. God is so amazing in His providence, because it was also the backdrop for her last 'professional' photo session before she gets married and moves to Japan.

How it must delight our Savoiur's heart to pour out such blessings on His children. We truly can never know where His plans are leading us. What we can do, is be faithful to follow.

A few weeks ago my contentment was threatened. I can't tell you how much these people annoy me. People who think they have God's will for my life figured out and have been ordained as His messengers to relay it to me. I stood face to face with one of the biggest threats to my faith and heard, yet again, "Life isn't going to come to you here."

I am so grateful for other women who stand with me on this truth: that God is enough, and that "life" only exists in following His guidance.

I think of women like Annie Wesche, who left home to become a little-known graphic designer in Colorado but is so overflowing with love for her Saviour that it is crazy. I think of women like Katie, a 22 year old girl who forsook the American dream and moved (not traveled, not went on a missions trip- MOVED) to Uganda where she now is mother (yes, mother) to 14 beautiful little girls. I think of Julie, who bucked the system and devoted her talents to the One who gave them to her, and in turn felt the joy and fulfillment of using her talents to demonstrate the love of Christ.

I think of women, years ago, who sat with me and declared, "Jessica, you will never make it unless you go to college." I didn't listen.

Life wasn't supposed to happen for any of us.

Yet, it has, and in more abundant and overflowing ways than ever imagined.

I think of Julie, who on January 1, will marry the man God only recently brought into her life. We started our 'ministry careers' right about the same time. In fact, Beggar's Daughter was Julie's first comissioned work. And on January 1, Julie will say "I do" 24 hours after I hold my first international speaking engagment.

Life wasn't supposed to happen for us.

If "life" is the boring and mundane process and procedure we have come to know as living, then it hasn't. If "life" is living up to the cultural status quo and following the American dream, then it hasn't. If life is marriage, a white picket fence and tons of kids, then it hasn't. If life is becoming great, then it hasn't.

But that isn't life.

Life is Christ.

And for those few people who understand that-who embrace that- life, in fact, does happen, in every moment of every single day- life happens.

Everyday Birthdays

2010-12-09T21:43:00.002-05:00

In the past year or so, I have come to ascertain that my 'love language' is a close tie between quality time and words of affirmation. Birthdays are fantastic for both of those, and I have received them in excess today. My love tank is well beyond full.

My favorite moment of the day was a series of moments spent with my mom. We went dress shopping, and, for the first time ever, I own a formal gown. It was quite a sight, me trying on a dress in the middle of a thrift shop while trying to be modest. I love how all of the women around immediately become your best friend when you are trying on a dress- "Oh! well, if you let out a little here" "Oh, that looks perfect on you!" "Oh, that's nice." It was quite the comical experience.

We followed that by a little Christmas shopping and then a nice dinner out -- just the two of us. (For you locals, I highly recommend Mama Lucia's Veal Chesapeake- amazing!) That was followed by shopping for our church's AWANA ministry. On our way home, we swung by my boss's house, where a beautiful white chocolate raspberry birthday cake waited for me. We brought it home, and I savored a piece before slipping upstairs to try on my dress again. I feel like a princess today.

But it begged the question- what happens tomorrow?

We often encounter similar situations in life, especially spiritually. There are days when God is just so real and we just feel so close, it's as if we could reach out and touch Him. Within days, we feel lost- wandering adrift on the darkening sea.

Has anything changed? Not for the most part. It's just another day. God is still God, still loves us, still wants to be with us. Maybe what makes our lives fall apart is our own expectations.

We just can't have a birthday everyday. Not saying that we have to have a bad day everyday, but if we are expecting nonstop texts, calls, e-mails, cards, messages, hugs and well-wishes everyday, we will be disappointed.

My boss and her husband came by just a few minutes ago to sample her amazing cake handiwork. As they left, he swung his arm around me and pulled me tight in a hug. "Happy birthday!"

That will be the last birthday hug I get this year. I have 364 days til I can have another birthday hug. In those 364 days do the people around me change? Do they love me any less because it isn't my birthday? Of course not. The same is true with God.

He doesn't change, and though there are days full of intense spiritual relief and joy, there are still others full of pain and sorrow. Unlike any human being, He knows exactly what we need, exactly when we need it, and promises to stick tight through it all.

So Many Blessings

2010-11-26T10:34:00.002-05:00

Did you have a good Thanksgiving? I did! That was, of course, after God taught me a lesson I have been teaching others. I hate it when that happens. When you preach something (in a loose use of the word: preach) and God looks down and says, "Oh. Really? Let's see how well you do on this."

Ouch

I have a bad record of not passing these tests the first time around. At all.

Last Friday, I got to go hiking. It was a field trip, so I had to go out in the beautiful fall sunshine, in perfect hiking weather and hike the Billy Goat Trail in Great Falls. Shucks. Can I just say right now, how much I enjoy my job!

Of course, there is always that one student bent on making a perfect day a miserable one. And, of course, this teacher has to stay with said student and practically drag them through the trail. It was tedious. He didn't like dirt, bugs, the thought of snakes (regardless of how many times I told him it was too cold for snakes), water, leaves, rocks, heights... we still have not determined why he even went on the trip. Needless to say, after about an hour of his incessant whining, the student who had stayed back to help spoke the words that I, in all of my teacherly political correctness, could never speak. "Would you please just shut up and stop complaining."

Took the words right out of my mouth.

So a couple more hours passed full of gentle and not-so-gentle prodding and encouraging. At one point the other student actually grabbed this particular slow student by the front of his jacket and drug him over a rock. I couldn't figure out if it was appropriate to laugh.

His whining and attitude were making it a miserable trip for everyone near him. It's hard to enjoy the dirt, bugs, water, rocks, leaves, heights, and such when someone is fussing about them. As we neared the end of the trail, I decided to use a teachable moment. I'm trying to work on spotting those.

"Now look," I said, "you were going to get here either way. You could have made this trip a lot more fun if you had just tried to enjoy it instead of complaining about everything."

Funny. I didn't remember those words the next day when my boss scheduled me to work all day Thanksgiving. In fact, I kinda threw a fit (not really). I am a teacher. These are my only days off school. How dare he make me spend time away from my family and force me to not only work Thanksgiving but waitress, of all things. I haven't been on the floor in months. This is ridiculous. This is unfair. And then he was going to try to force me to wear a tie *pause for outburst of hysterical laughter from those who know me well* That wasn't happening.

Oh, I had a list. I was hot. I was so frustrated and disappointed and felt so used. The money didn't really matter, it was the fact that I couldn't spend time with my family and that I had to work during my vacation (which after last Friday, I figured I deserved).

My mother offered a bit of encouragement. "We'll just have Thanksgiving dinner when you get home." I wasn't scheduled to get home until about 7 or 8. Feeling a little late for Thanksgiving dinner. I will confess, I woke up yesterday morning with a bad attitude. Yes, I had a bad attitude on Thanksgiving. One of those, "God, I am grateful for everything except for the fact that I have to work today. Everything but that."

I got to work and the first words were, "Thank you so much for coming in. We're going to try to get you out of here as soon as possible. You are first off." (Meaning when things die down, I would get to go home first). I was feeling better then. Maybe Thanksgiving dinner wouldn't be at midnight after all. Hours before expected, we were cleaning up and resetting the room when my coworkers' morning coffee must have worn off. Meanwhile, I'm being pulled into the office to do stuff and being told that as soon as the room is reset, I can go. Well, the room isn't getting reset while said coworkers are sitting around staring at each other. Frustration level rose again.

We lit a fire under them and got them going, but I still ended up resetting the room by myself, more out of bitterness and anger than teamworking. I finally got the room reset and ran back to the office to finish up a last-minute printing. My poor mother had been waiting outside for an hour and a half, while our potatoes boiled dry on the stove (true story). As I tore around the office, my boss handed me an envelope and said, "Here, for you. Just so you know how much we appreciate you." It was a holiday bonus. Like a bigger bonus than the tips I made going in yesterday.

Do you know how much of a jerk I felt like?!?

It wasn't until I got home and sat down to eat my turkey and smoked mashed potatoes (they were actually pretty good!) at 7:30 that I remembered those words I had said a week ago, "You were going to get here anyway, you could have made it more enjoyable."

When we develop a me-focus, we become easily frustrated.

I am learning that. If my student had focused on the beautiful weather and the fact that he is well enough to hike such a trail and that it is actually kinda fun, that field trip would have been very different. If I had shut up and stopped complaining long enough to be thankful that I have a job this holiday season and that I can cover while some of my coworkers travel to visit their families, this week would have been so different. I would have made it to today either way. I go back in tonight to work a late party and then back in tomorrow to work office. Not the vacation I had planned, but you know what!? It's OK. I am blessed.

Worship and a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

2010-11-06T09:25:00.000-04:00

A number of weeks ago, I read an article by a friend of a friend in regards to teetotalling (the practice of not drinking alochol- at all, ever). He brought up some great points about Christian liberties in Scripture as it comes to motives and such. Long and the short, I have never drank and never will, at least not intentionally. I ate a bread pudding in bourbon cream sauce once and do believe the bourbon was not sufficiently creamed.

All alcohol aside, though, last week I encountered a different application of Christian liberties, equally controversial. Worship.

First off, it's a shame that worship is, in fact, controversial. It shouldn't be, but we like to make Biblical commands controversial. Apparently, life is more exciting that way.

I "attend" two "churches." To one I claim official membership, while the other I claim a majority of my fellowship. One, I am faithful to attend every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening. It is where I serve in the prints and publications division (there isn't one, but that's the best way to describe what I do). In the other, I get to be one of the body. My purpose in the second is to fellowship with likeminded believers of similar place in life. It is markedly more contemporary.

Sunday night was one of the first nights I made it to the worship service of church B. I usually miss that because I am trying to finish up my church A. Last week, I skipped church A altogether and went to church B instead.

I am still adjusting to it all. About two hundred people crammed in a teeny tiny room with really strong acoustics. It gets loud. Not because we are trying to make it into some kind of rock concert, but because it's just loud. The people there want to worship God. It's a far cry from the drolling Sunday morning hymns squeaked out by the people around me. And I'm not talking the 'praise and worship' Christian contemporary stuff people like to fuss about. We sang "Take my Life and Let it Be" (a hymn) louder than I have ever heard it sung before.

It was something else last week that drew my attention-- a man and his wife in the front row. At first, there was judgement. One moment he would be on his knees, the next standing up with his hands in the air. His wife would be the same. I had a list of reasons why they shouldn't be doing that. Then, an interesting thought popped in my head:

Worship is like a grilled cheese sandwich.

A few nights ago, we had grilled cheese and my sandwich, to my dismay, was cut straight up and down. It was fairly upsetting to me, actually. I was rather miffed. When the second sandwich was made, it was cut diagonally, and I was happy.

Now, did the sandwich taste any different? No! Did it stop being grilled cheese because it was slice the "wrong" way? No. Why did it matter? Because it wasn't what I was used to. Grilled cheese sandwiches- any sandwich for that matter- in my book, should be sliced diagonally. That's the way I do it.

Here is a man and his wife, worshipping God. As am I. I am not lifting my hands. I am not moving. Does that mean I am not worshipping? No. They are lifting their hands and kneeling. Does that mean they are not worshipping? No. Would I do that? Probably never. Just like I will never cut my grilled cheese straight up and down. It's not how I was raised. It isn't how I worship.

But it can still be worship. One isn't better than the other, one isn't worse than the other. Just because I'm standing still doesn't mean I am a better worshipper, and their hands and kneeling doesn't make them a better worshipper. It all boils down to our hearts. No one can judge the outward appearance, because we are all used to something.

We all have a norm, and every now and then, someone will come along that challenges that norm. They aren't intending to destroy that norm or tell us we are wrong. They are simply letting us know that it is really ok if the grilled cheese is cut a different way. We can all still get along.

Exploring God

2010-10-24T19:31:00.000-04:00

When will we learn that God is beyond our searching? I know it may take me a couple millenia to understand that. He is constantly opening Himself up to depths I never understood were there. But, praise Him for knowing me better than I know myself, because He knew that if He just poured over me all at once, this little one would drown and not come back.

I was in conversation with an older Christian the other day and he said, "The major problem with the church is that we are sitting around waiting for God to show us what to do, when He's already told us!"

It isn't original with him, but it bears repeating over and over again. We have to stop waiting for God to bring a big light show that reads "This is my will for your life." Let's face it. We are not called to flashiness. Sorry. That's just not where we belong.

There is no corporate ladder in the body of Christ. You are just that, part of the body, and you have a purpose- unique and designed for you. A purpose that, when you surrender to Him, He will equip you to be able to carry it out.

How I wish I could adequately express all that God has done over the past couple weeks. How He has brought me through trial and into a beautiful place of peace. Then, He opened up the next level, and my life entered the waves again. But He is here.

We cannot be afraid of faith. We trust God with our forever. We trust Him with the salvation of our souls. Can't we trust Him with our moments? Our mortal moments. The next breath you take is one He gave you. Still, we run from Him. Run from His will. Run from using our talents and gifts except in a case that is comfortable and convenient for us.

We are not called to convenience. We are called to drop it all; to pick up a cross and turn and follow our God. That's His will. It looks different on each of us, but that's it.

Simple God, Complex Faith

2010-10-13T15:04:00.000-04:00

I think with time must come to ability to discern what opportunities are God-given and those that are "everything I have ever wanted." For now, I rest somewhere in the stage that trembles at an opportunity and may even be readying to jump before I step back and say, "Wait a minute. Let's think this through."

But, I love how God, if you are listening, always orchestrates a way to communicate His will to you.

A verse that came to mind today as I listened to my boss give staff devotions was this:

"And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah?" I Kings 19:11-13

On occassion we look for the things that show God's power. Things "only God can do." When an opportunity comes up for us to do what we once thought impossible we immediately think, "Aha! God must be in this." There is even a Christian song that says, basically, "If it makes no sense, it must be God." That might not be the best philosophy of faith, but there is truth in leaning not on our own understanding. Still, sometimes, being still long enough to find God in all of our self-created chaos can be difficult.

A week ago an opportunity came up. I was shocked by it. Everything in my life would make sense here. Everything. It was just perfect. It had to be God! Yet, when I started considering it, there was this gut-wrenching feeling of "Well...maybe it wasn't."

Could you tell that the recurring theme at this point in my life is "be faithful where you are." Over and over again that is what my Father is trying to teach this wayward daughter of His. To simply be faithful. When He wants to move me, He will let me know. He is not always in the big stuff. Not always in the earthquakes and fires. Sometimes, let's face it, God is just plain simple.

Sarah's Choice

2010-10-09T10:08:00.000-04:00

I believe it would be fair to say that the life of a Christian will be one of ups and downs. After all, the life of Christ was. For that matter, the life of God Himself is. One moment, the world cries out to Him, the next it wants Him to go away. Humanity, as a whole, is bipolar. We just don't know what we want. We want the love and security of a Heavenly Father but we don't want the accountability that comes with that. Far easier to worship things and find scraps of love wherever they can be scrounged.

I wrote a couple weeks ago about Sarah, one of my clients at the pregnancy clinic. A client who I think adequately represents where my life could be if I had done everything my way. If God had not intervened by whiping out one of my role models at the age of 23. I've already outlived her, which is mindblowing to me.

At any rate, as I backed up my bags last Friday to head out to visit old friends, I received a call from Sarah. After weeks, and I mean weeks of battling about what is right and what she should do, she caved. Two weeks ago, her little girl went to be with her Creator. The product of her mother's bad choices and fear.

I often wonder what that reunion must be like in Heaven. I wonder if Christ, the Creator, stands there at the edge of Heaven. As the Spirit pleads one last time with that mother to change her mind, I wonder of the mansion being prepared for this little one. I wonder if she doesn't show up in Heaven completely bewildered by what just happened, by the pain and terror that penetrated her safe little world and consequently ended her short life. I believe our Father weeps as He reaches out His arms to her and knows that all of the hopes and dreams He had made her for are now gone. How that all works is beyond my comprehension.

I don't know what happens in Heaven, but I do know what happens here. I do know that Sarah spent an hour on the phone with me weeping about her decision, wishing she could take it back. I do know that an anger rose within me as I learned she was weeping the whole time she was at the abortion clinic. They shouldn't perform abortions on women who aren't sure. My heart broke as I listened to her. Part of me wanted anything to have called her that day and just asked how she was doing- maybe, just maybe, if I had, she would have changed her mind.

But Sarah said something that blew me away. She is a very head-knowledged Christian. She can spout Bible verses right and left and tell me all about what God thinks about this and that and the other thing. She knows her stuff. But as our conversation came to a close and we were discussing where to go from here in regards to a pending divorce she said, "I just wish I knew the right thing to do. I can just never seem to figure out the right thing to do."

That, my friends, is the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Until you allow God's truth to govern your life, you have nothing.

Customized Faith

2010-09-15T08:09:00.000-04:00

Journey with me as we meet Naaman, a character in one of my newfound favorite Bible stories. It's funny how, we sometimes read the Bible like we read the newspaper- just skimming for the latest gossip or the most interesting headline, forsaking the rest. Then, later, when some news comes up we wonder why we didn't know. Is it because we didn't have the information? No. It's because we didn't deam that information important.

The same thing happens with the Bible. In the middle of the Noahs, Jonah, Davids and Joshuas, we miss some of the 'smaller stories'- Rahab, Gideon, and Naaman.

I came across this story in my Bible reading last week. I am embarking on a journey to read my Bible through for the second time from cover to cover. Believe me, there are "dry" days- and he died...and he begat... and he died...begat...died...begat...died- I still haven't figured out how to apply that to my life. But, there are days I find little treasures and that makes all of the 'extra searching' well worth it.

We meet Naaman in 2 Kings, chapter 5. In fact, his name is the second word of that chapter.

"Now Naaman, captain of the host of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master, and honourable , because by him the LORD had given deliverance unto Syria: he was also a mighty man in valour..."

This story kinda pops out of the middle of nowhere. It actually follows right on the heals of an Old Testament version of the feeding of the five thousand (honestly, how many of you knew there was one of those?). In these first few words we are introduced to a man who is fairly impressive. He was a big boss in Syria- noble, respected, in good standing with the king, strong, brave. This guy was pretty important stuff, but did you notice the little "..."?

...but he was a leper .

That, my friends, is a problem.

As God would have it, there is a Israelite maid in Naaman's household who says one day, "Man! I wish that Mr. Naaman was with that prophet in Samaria because he could heal Mr. Naaman from his leprosy" (paraphrase, for those of you wondering). The grapevine reaches Naamana and he gets all excited and tells the king (remember, they are friends), and the king of Syria sends word to the king of Israel inquiring about how to make this possible.

Well, the King of Israel is a bit slow on the upbeat. He spazzes thinking that this is some precursor to war. (Talk about a lack of faith!) Well, Elisha (the aforementioned prophet) hears that the king is having an issue and send him a message (paraphrase again), "What is your problem?! Send him to me and I will show him that there is a God in Israel." Happily the king sends Namaan on his way.

Elisha doesn't even come out and speak with Naaman. Elisha sends a messenger to Naaman to instruct him to go dunk himself in the Jordan seven times. Naaman is probably insulted- after all, he is some top-ranking official in his home country. He is obviously upset. If you read through the chapter, Naaman wanted a show.

He wanted Elisha to come out, call upon God and do a song and a dance and cure Naaman. That's what Naaman wanted. Easy, breezy, done. Instead, he gets instructions to wash in Jordan, which make him mad and send him on his way back home. If I want to take a bath I'll take one in the clean rivers back home.

Praise the Lord for Naaman's servants who stop him and try to reason with him.

My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash , and be clean ?

That is the verse that just jumped off the page as I read this. They were saying, "Listen, if Elisha had asked you to go drink snake venom or go do something extraordinary, would you have done it? So, why are you mad that all he is saying is wash and be clean?" Naaman listened, dunked in Jordan, and walked away knowing that there was a God.

There are so many ties you can make from this story. The one that jumps out to me the most is the idea of a 'boring faith.'

How often do we wish we were the other guy? I have been following up on a young woman named Katie, who moved (not went short-term as a missionary- she straight up moved) to Uganda when she was in her early 20s and now, probably in her mid-late twenties is the mother of 14 beautiful girls in Uganda- orphans that God has given her. When I see things like that, there are times when I think, "Now God, why can't You give me that assignment? Seriously! Give me something big. Something with 'GOD' stamped all over it. Give me a big faith!"

And sometimes He does. We all have those Abraham-Isaac, David-Goliath, Daniel-Lions moments in our lives, but more often than not, we have a Naaman-Jordan moment. It's a surety that the whole world isn't going to know about our Naaman-Jordan moment. It won't make the headline of any newspaper. It won't gain applause or recognition. It may even seem stupid and insignificant, but it is no less important.

It's hard, at least for me, to be faithful in those Naaman-Jordan moments. I will catch myself thinking, "God, if you called me to China, I would go. I surrender to Your will for my life." But what if His will for my life has nothing to do with China? What if His will for your life has nothing to do with spiritual extravagance? What if His will for your life is as simple as sharing the Gospel with the gas station attendant? When He prompts you, do you listen or do you scoff and say, "Pssh! That's nothing important."

We have to learn to be faithful in the little things. You know, there was a degree of faith exhibited by Naaman. He had no reason to believe that the murky waters of the Jordan could cure his leprousy. He dipped his toe in that water in faith. This man of great renown bathed in a dirty river- that was his Isaac moment, his fiery furnace moment, his Goliath moment.

How our faith works out will be different for each of us. Katie's faith seems so much stronger than mine, but that isn't necessarily true just because she has landed herself in Uganda. Uganda is where her faith has led her. My faith will not lead me there, but it will lead me somewhere.

Whether in Uganda or sitting in a college classroom, we are called to be faithful. Whether your faith leads you to pioneer some mission field or leads you to raise a family (or maybe both!) God does not ask for a song and a dance, He simply asks that you trust Him.

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Defining Moments

2010-09-11T09:22:00.000-04:00

It's September 11, and I feel horribly that I'm not taking time to really reflect on everything that happened nine years ago. It's not like I don't remember or that I've chosen to forget; it's just that there is so much life going on now that it's hard to find reason to sit down and really reflect and simmer in what happened.

I remember exactly where I was. Exactly what I was doing. Exactly what was said. I can remember seeing my English teacher's TV on and thinking a bomb had hit tower one. We were handed tests for MLA formatting in research and looked up as the second plan flew in. She took the tests back. I remember the call to evacuate the local nuclear plant because if it was hit, it would take out a 10 mile radius.

I remember sitting in my 4th period study hall and watching Flight 93 fly overhead and the panic in the cafeteria as we realized that plane was flying so low and the wrong way. Less than 30 minutes later, that flight went down. So, yes, I remember.

Isn't it amazing how some days we never forget, no matter how many years have passed yet we can't remember where we just set our keys. The difference is one is a defining moment. Our lives are full of them. The defining moment of when you become a spouse. The defining moment of parenthood. The defining moment of graduation. Our lives are full of physical defining moments.

How many spiritual defining moments do you have? Some don't feel their spiritual walk is that big of a deal, but do you remember that moment when you truly grasped in ingraspability (new word!) of God's love for you? Do you remember that moment that you realized the work of Calvary? Do you remember that moment of surrender?

I remember a few: major 2 by 4s that God used to get my attention and reroute this crazy train. Still, how often to I sit and purposefully remember them?

How often do you sit and meditate on what God has done in your life, privately? We, as a nation, remember nine years ago. When this generation is gone, the nation will forget, but what about God's working in our lives? What about His continual goodness and grace offered to us? That is more life-changing than any terrorist attack, any war, and how often we forget.

Rolling with the Punches

2010-09-09T22:18:00.000-04:00

God's Word tells us His mercies are new every morning. Ever have a day that you wish had a few mornings, or one of those rewind buttons. I need a rewind button.

This morning was a salute to braindeadness, and, were it not for God, it would have made for one rough day, let me tell you.

I left my house this morning, late (for those of you who are curious "late" is 5:35...am). On my way to take my brother to work, I realized I had left my mom's bag at the house, the bag she called me the night before to remind me to take to school. Yes, that bag. Not with me. Not going to school.

I get to the pool (my brother is a lifeguard) and go in to swim. As I open my duffle bag I notice a certain something missing. Namely, a swimsuit- at home, probably with the other bag I was supposed to bring. So, I shower and get ready for work. Walk out of the locker room and realize I could have spent the last hour pushing weights instead of blow-drying my hair and chilling with the high school swim team after their practice.

I drive to school, arriving a whole hour and a half before school starts. While retrieving my stuff for work (the other work- the one after school), I discovered I had left a box of work at the house, probably next to the bag and the swimsuit.

To cap it all off, as I closed the trunk, I realized something tragic. My school shoes, and my lunch box were not at home. They were, in fact, in the trunk of the car, right next to the keys.

::PAUSE::

This is one of those, "You must certainly be kidding me!" moments. I stared at the trunk in disbelief and then looked down at my flip-flop clad feet, complete with a toe still swollen, sore and healing from an encounter with a jagged metal edge two weeks ago. Flip-flops are not part of dresscode, and they weren't my intended footwear of choice. Minutes later I had fellow staff members questioning why I couldn't follow school dress code policy. I'm such a rebel.

Ever have one of those mornings? My whole day was like that, even up to 8:00 this evening, but I will spare you the details. It is so easy for us to get caught up in the stuff and happenings of the day. I praise the Lord for the boss I have at the school who has taught me to laugh at moments like this, and to laugh at myself.

It's a rough lesson to learn- to laugh at yourself. To not beat yourself up over the little brain moments we have every day (some of us much more than others). I do not know how many times I have to look at my students and seriously ask them, "What was I doing?" My first year of teaching, I tried to act like I had it all together, and would get frustrated with myself, with them, and with the dog next door if I didn't get everything perfect. Not any more.

That's the beauty of God's mercies. It gives us the safety of falling. I know that seems so strange and you may be thinking, "Ok, Jessica, God's mercies have nothing to do with you locking your keys in the trunk of your car." Oh but they do.

See, new mercies bring hope! New mercies means that God in all His fullness is available to me every single day. I'm never going to run out! He will never stop pouring Himself out upon me, and while so often I am deserving of His wrath, I believe on days like today I hear a ripple of laughter coming from my Father. As I forget this, lose that, lock this there and just act like a completely knucklehead, He must certainly sit in Heaven surpressing Divine laughter.

"Oh, Dear Child, if you would just slow down for two seconds and learn to think clearly... What am I ever going to do with you, little one?"

With life comes the maturity that learns to fight the battles worth fighting and to let the small stuff go. We learn to just keep plugging on because when this is all over no one is going to remember how many times our brain shut off in the middle of something. We roll with the punches, even if that means rolling for quite some while. We have this confidence that God is there with us (and more than likely amused by our human stubbornness in some cases) and that He will never leave us, no matter how many times we send ourselves scrambling for the rewind button.

Learning to Let Go

2010-09-08T17:45:00.000-04:00

It's hard, when you pour time and energy into something to really completely surrender. Must be what Abraham felt like offering up Isaac.

"You want me to give up my son? My son- whom I have spent years raising, years teaching right from wrong, years training, nurturing, developing, praying for and working with- that son? If You were just going to kill him off, why did I even bother?!"

If I were Abraham, that's what Abraham would have thought. That's what I have been thinking over the past couple days.

In June, I began counseling at a local crisis pregnancy center. In that time, I have had some easy cases- women who come in ecstatic because they are pregnant. Wham bam out the door they go. No big issues. I have had a couple abortion-determined clients who came in already well decided. Then there is this one. This one who, by confession of the staff, is one of the hardest cases we have had. This one, who has weasled her way into my heart and soul and it is killing me to let her go.

The first appointment usually lasts 45 minutes, and they don't usually contact us again. My first appointment with Sarah was 3 hours long, and we have talked for a couple hours since. She is still leaning toward abortion, and it is taking all of my willpower to not just straight up tell her "don't do it." She had a follow up ultrasound scheduled for today, and I had planned on going.

I felt as if everything was lining up as an 'all systems go' for me to go to the ultrasound. It was a half day at school today; I didn't have to report for jury duty. So much was going my way, except for this nagging feeling that I was wrong. I was wrong to want to be there with her. Wrong for having a list of 'things to discuss' with her. Yet, how could I not be involved. It was a gut-wrenching predicament. Would I do more harm than good by showing up for this ultrasound? Finally, I decided to write a letter to Sarah, telling her how much God loves her, how much He wants to shower His grace on her and pleading with her to seek His heart in this.

I drove it to the center and she hadn't yet arrived. I dropped it off with the nurse and slipped over to the other side to pray. A few minutes later, I returned, the nurse mouthed "She's here. She's in the bathroom." I slipped out the front door, said a quick prayer and fought off tears of surrender as I got into my car.

The accuser of the brethren had snuck into my car while I was inside. "You failed. You know she is going to abort. It's over. All of that work. All of that prayer. All of those hours. God didn't hear you. It doesn't matter. You wasted your time." The battle raged for a few minutes. My heart cried out that he was wrong. I just knew he had to be wrong. He was, and is (as always).

After reaching a dangerous point of brokenness (like my eyes need windshield wipers) I heard a question posed by the director of the pregnancy center. "Whose ministry is this, anyway?" She hadn't asked me that question; she was sharing a story about one of her first counseling experiences. She had been frustrated because a client wasn't listening to her. My situation differed in that my client was listening to me. I was simply running out of time. Still, the question God asked me was, "Jessica, whose ministry is this anyway?"

"Yours."

I can't change her heart. No matter how much I plead, threaten (not that I threaten), or stuff with facts, I can do nothing. She did not need me at that sonogram appointment; she needed Him, and He was there. In the form of nurses and counselors on shift, He was there. It has never been my job to save her, but it has been my job to love her.

It is my job to fulfill the calling of Christ on my life in whatever ministry He has given me. Today that was letting Sarah go and knowing that I had done everything I could to be a channel for God's grace on her life. Tomorrow it will be to go to school and be an example for my students and then going to work and getting the paperwork done. That's it. Just be faithful. That's all He asks of us. Sometimes that is not so much an action. Sometimes it is just simply standing back, letting go and allowing God to take it from here.

More alive than ever

2010-09-03T23:42:00.004-04:00

One month away! Sorry! That wasn't intentional. Guess I've spent too much time catching up with my Facebook people. A lot has happened in that month, but it's just too much to go through- ha! I will tell you that right now a lot of big changes are on the horizon- the honest-to-goodness life changing changes that require a lot of prayer and counsel, so if I disappear again, I will be back.

Truth is, in this last month, I have been honeymooning with my Saviour. No, we haven't gone anywhere special, just here. Life has progressed at a mind-melting pace, but still, I have never felt more at peace.

I was sharing with a friend today that the relationship I have with my Saviour is overwhelming. It is intimate beyond comparison and just blows me away every morning. To know that every morning, He waits for me. He watches me while I sleep. He knows when I awake. He is there with me. My God, the Lover of my Soul, my Jehovah, my Comfort, my Sustaining Power... right there, with me, every single day. Blows me away.

I couldn't begin to capture it all, seriously. Couldn't begin to describe this change, this life I have now. I am more alive than ever and all I can do is let my fingers blubber across this keyboard in an attempt to express speechlessness. I can't. So instead, maybe I can lead you here. It's one of those "you have to see it for yourself" types of things, and all I can think to do is tell you how I ended up here, piece by piece.

I strongly encourage you to take up the challenges I lob at you. It's not because I am some great expert in Christianity. It's all because one day, in December of last year, a complete stranger did the same to me. I took him up on that challenge and my life has never been the same.

Today:

Spend two hours at the feet of your Saviour.

I know. Two hours?!? I did the same thing. I seriously thought my 30 minutes was worthy of a metal. I was fairly consistent at reading 4 chapters of the Bible and reading through my prayer list. Two hours was overkill.

Truth be told, I've never made it to the two hours. I average right around one and a half. The point is not to set a kitchen timer for two hours and sit around until the bell goes off. The point is to set aside time for God.

So often, we pencil God in. We fit our devos in between meetings. We get our daily bread via e-mail so we can read it while we check our e-mail. But two hours. Two hours alters your day. Your day centers around that. Your sleep schedule changes because of that. Life changes because of that.

And I promise, you will change because of that. If you make God the number one most important thing in your life. So much so that you make plans to spend two hours a day with Him, He will meet you there. He promises to.

If you're trying to figure out exactly how to fill those two hours, here's a basic outline of what I do:

1) I journal. Jessica, that isn't very spiritual. It's cleansing. It helps me clear my mind of everything going on. It gets all of the stuff out of the way and helps me focus. Not everyone has to journal, but I do.

2) I read. Pick something that takes you about 45-60 minutes to read, seriously. Start at Genesis and just read it through. It's amazing! I promise. Earlier this year, I did the Bible 90x (a read through the Bible in 90 days program). It was intense but I began to see connections I had never seen before. After that, I began reading a specific number of physical pages in my Bible. Whatever amount takes you about an hour to read- to actually read, not speed read, but actually read.

3) Reflect. This combines 1 and 2 (at least it does for me). I sit back and reflect on 2 and how it can apply to the situations in 1. It's meditation. It's something we are told to do.

4) Pray. This is my hardest spot. People say they can pray for hours, apparently I just think fast. I must be a speed-prayer. I am learning, and you will too. For my prayers I usually follow a pattern.
a) Reflection on God's character based on the reading
b) Praise (just plain praise)
c) Family
d) Close friends
e) Ministry needs
f) My heart's desires
g) My needs for the day
h) Thankfulness for filling those needs (because He will)
i) Amen!

It may seem like a sudden change, but it all starts with determination. I am no saint when it comes to this; believe me. I have missed more days than I care to count, and there are others when I barely clear an hour, but your spiritual life does not grow on its own. It must be nurtured. Nurture it.

A Letter of Love

2010-07-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

How often have we heard the Bible compared to a love letter? Even days ago as I sat in a counseling room with a client at RPC, the lead counselor said, "God's Word is a love letter to you." But when life is going great, how often do we really need a love letter?

Maybe it's just me, but there are days when I don't need someone to love me. The days when I'm pretty much in love with myself. Oh, Jessica, good job! You rock this girl! Those are days when I don't search for hugs and can lay my head down a sleep well having never once uttered or heard the words, "I love you." Some days, we just don't need a love letter. Then there are days we do.

There are days when I desperately need that compassion, that acceptance. Days when I curl up on the couch with my head resting against my mother's shoulder just because I need to feel loved. When I'm sick. When I'm sad. Those days. I can walk into the kitchen and, much to the shock of my mother, ask for a hug. I need to feel loved.

The great thing about God is that He loved us most during our worst days. The days when we looked Him in the face and said, "No! I don't want You to love me. I don't need You to love me!!" He still loved, and gave, and loved some more. If that is the case, imagine how much more readily available that love is now to those of us who accepted it. Yet, there are still days we don't want to be loved. Still days we wake up and see that Bible and think, "No thanks. I'm good. I don't need You today." Still, He's there. Talk about faithful.

But it's more than just being there. He is in love with us. Actively, constantly, loving us. This morning, as I reflected on His love, I thought of Hosea, and how Israel actively ran from God searching for another lover and God would pursue her and bring her back to Him. Then, my mind rested on Psalm 139.

How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

Even on the days when I look at Him and say, "Nope, sorry. Don't need You today." He doesn't stop thinking about me. He is in love with us. Doesn't that blow your mind? It blows mine.

We look at Him and say, "No! I don't need Your help, I can do this on my own!" and all the while He waits, loving us, thinking about us, never giving up on us. That is a love like no other, at least none I have ever experienced, and even on my best days, that is a love I need.

Open Doors

2010-07-20T16:20:00.002-04:00

This morning I prayed a pretty weird prayer. Taken out of context, it could be gravely misinterpretted. My prayer? "Please let her want an abortion." I know. I know. Let me explain. One thing working at this pregnancy center has taught me is to test God. Does that sound strange? I have learned to willingly, even enthusiastically, jump into uncertain situations only because I know God will be big in those situations. It brings to mind a verse I first heard years ago while in college.

They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep. Psalm 107:23-24

Since first reading that in Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest, I have found it a great challenge in my faith to step away from the shallow waters and be willing to launch out into the deep. Today, I was itching for that chance.

It is week three of my internship at the pregnancy center. Before today, I had sat in on three client sessions. Two were positive and wanted to carry, a third was negative. Not really hard stuff. Not difficult. You just share in their joy and give them information about our resources. While that's part of why I am there, it is not part of why I am there. I received my schedule for next month this morning. I will officially begin counseling on August 11. That is my first shift (so if you are thinking of me between 10-1, pray for me). I realized though that I am really not prepared to counsel an abortion-minded client. Hence this morning's prayer, "God, please bring someone who wants an abortion." After all, that's why the entire clinic is there!

Our first client this morning was Spanish-speaking, so I answered phones. Our second was obviously pregnant, only seven weeks away from her due date, just needing a positive test. (Yes, I know, it's weird). The lead counselor's native language is Spanish and she told me, "I have a hard time with the English speakers so if you want to talk to her, please do." Well, I can't counsel on my own yet, but God was paving the way for client number 3.

She is my age, just a few months older, and by our calculations, is five weeks pregnant. She wanted us to give her an abortion. It wasn't even, "Well, I'll have to think about it." No, it was, "Give me the abortion pill please, I can't have this baby." The lead counselor deferred to me, and, after a brief moment of thinking, "Oh my goodness! I have to change her mind!!!! WHAT DO I DO?!" I found comfort in one thing alone, "Jessica, just give her truth." That's what God reminded me of as I flew around the clinic talking to nurses trying to figure out some of the side effects of the abortion pill (which are many).

The lead counselor barely spoke at all, only redirecting back to our training when the room grew silent. In that visit, all of my years of interest in pregnancy and child development (I used to want to be an OB, for those who did not know that about me) came rushing back. I was able to explain ectopic pregnancies and explain the risks of the abortion pill, all the while helping her understand that we were concerned about her (which we are) not just her baby. An hour went by and there were tears as she realized that this was not a simple solution. There was no, "Just take this pill and it will all be better" option. Either way, her life would change.

I moved from the chair to the couch beside her, holding the box of tissues as she cried. I cradled a fetal model en utero as I explained why the pill wouldn't fix an ectopic pregnancy and how an ectopic could kill her. We encouraged her to wait for an ultrasound, told her that her baby's heart would have started beating... today. We assured her that she still has options. She still has choices, and still has time, even if she eventually does get an abortion.

She left still leaning strongly toward abortion, and, oddly enough, I wasn't discouraged. Don't hate me for that. It's simply the truth. God works in their hearts, we can't. I read her evaluation form and one thing brought confirmation. When asked if she would refer family or friends to us, she said yes. That, to me, is a big deal. This girl is not a Christian, fully agrees with abortion, and we dealt with her in a way that made her feel loved and respected, not condemned or looked down upon.

It was yet another door I have seen God open in the past couple days. Literally, in the last few days, He has begun answering the cries of my ministry heart. Yesterday, I received an e-mail offering a freelance editing job for 2011. The beautiful thing about freelancing is I can do it whenever. Then, this morning, I have my first abortion-minded client, and it wasn't even like I got to observe, God gave me the opportunity to counsel with a senior counselor supervising. That never happens! He put all of my worries at ease. Then, to top it all off, I get this e-mail today, from the young adult group I am associated with:

If you've ever asked yourself these questions (or similar ones): "Is she really homeless?"; "If I give him a dollar will it go towards drugs?"; "God's word says to provide for those in need, but how?"; then come to the interest meeting on Sunday, July 25th at 6:00pm in the Green Room (downstairs). We'll be looking at God's heart for the homeless and developing a practical way to share Christ's love throughout Silver Spring.

Now THAT's what I am talking about. A proactive outreach to those we are called to reach. This group is amazing, and I am so grateful to be part of this ministry. They developed an outreach to a bunch of skater kids in the city. They saw an opportunity (http://greatergreaterwashington.org/post.cgi?id=6515) and chose to use it. Three days, THREE DAYS after reading that article, they had a ministry group at that park sharing the Gospel with those kids. That's what we are called to do, and I am proud of them for stepping up to the plate and answering that call.

Fact is, doors sit open in front of us every day, but they open both ways. On one end, God may lead someone to us through an open door. On the reverse, He may lead us to someone. We don't have to work at a place like a pregnancy center to reach out to people. The world is all around us, not locked away in a cage for us to visit every now and then. We live in it, and it's time we start impacting it. Pray for God to open a door, and He will.

When the Earth Shakes

2010-07-16T09:59:00.001-04:00

It's a good thing I am a morning person or I would have not appreciated my room being rattled around at 5:04 this morning. It lasted only a matter of seconds but was significant enough to wake my entire family and me. My sister sat up in her bed and I could make out her eyes looking at me in the dark. "Was that an earthquake?"

"Yep."

I had gone through a small list of possibilities before drawing that conclusion. Thunder- no, it was felt more than heard, besides, the sun was rising. A car crashing into our house- while that would have been exciting, again, there was no noise other than our furniture hitting the wall, creating a low rumble. So, I drew the conclusion, that either WWIII had just begun or we had an earthquake. I got up walked into my mom's room and stood in the doorway. I was there for a matter of seconds before she just said, "Yes, and yes."

It actually isn't the first time I have experienced one. I had a similar thing happen as a young girl at my grandparent's home in Ohio. That one was strange. My grandmother's china cabinet just began to rattle. It rattled so hard, I thought the dishes were going to fall out. I didn't really feel anything (maybe they have a super strong house), but the china cabinet went crazy for quite a decent chunk of time. I remember telling my family and many of them thought I was nuts. When it came out on the news later, all I could think was "told you!" Of course, the young mind thinks, "I could have died and you guys didn't believe me." (I did a little research and there were many earthquakes in Ohio during that time, all were over 4 on the Richter scale.)

Being a science-minded person and understanding that there just aren't any major fault lines in the area, I went down to flip on the news. The news had no clue anything had happened. It was hilarious.

"Umm... we're getting phone calls from all over the area that there was some sort of shaking, or tremor. We thought it was construction in our building, but we will figure out what it was for you."

A bomb could have just gone off (definitely on my list of possibilities) and they thought is was construction.

It sent four news stations on a simultaneous scramble for the break. First place is awarded to Fox News who stopped their story on the Apple iPhone 'scandal' (which was running simultaneously on every station-- boring) to bring breaking news that DC had been struck by an earthquake fourteen minutes after the fact. The epicenter was just a few miles north of my house. 3.6 they are saying, not bad enough to cause damage but enough to scare a bunch of Eastern Sea Boarders. Now the search is on for the reason why and if we are in continued danger. TV off.

I crawled back in bed and an interesting thought crept into my mind. A praise and worship song I learned when I was little: "The earth shakes at the sound of His voice, the nations tremble before Him..." A smile crept across my face.

"At the sound of His voice." God was apparently speaking this morning at 5:04, and one of the most influential areas in the world heard Him, they just don't know it's Him, or won't acknowledge it is Him. One newscaster even said, "Wow! That was a humbling experience." Humbling because, for once we finally realize how much we can't control everything. But I know the God who can and does.

So, around 6 o'clock, after giving it much thought and reflection, I turned on my side, snuggled down in my sheets and recalled Psalm 4:8, "I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety." For the next two and half hours, that is exactly what I did.

Dream Giver

2010-07-12T18:54:00.002-04:00

Last night, a man from our regained his sight, met his Saviour and left behind his wife of exactly 21 days.

They were an older couple, both over 50. He had spent his lifetime dreaming, hoping, praying for a wife, and God granted him that wish. Ironically, a month ago, it was the bride we were worried about losing. She was very ill and in need of surgery, so the wedding was pushed forward and held on a Sunday evening after church. The following Thursday, she had her surgery... and survived. They had plans of him finishing school and then embarking as an evangelistic team.

I had the privilege of photographing their ceremony, and overnighted the pictures to the bride today, with a card of sympathy. What a mixture of emotions. To have pictures capturing a day of love and joy coupled with a card expressing sorrow and loss.

We just never know, but our God does. He alone is the one who holds our dreams and with them all the power to make them come true. He alone has thoughts that are higher than ours, timing far better than ours, plans more meticulous than ours and dreams far greater than ours. He has it all, and chooses to delight Himself in us. Just over three weeks ago, plans were being made for a wedding. Now, we plan for a funeral more than likely in the same sanctuary.

What an overwhelming comfort to know that our God knows.

To many it may seem cold and harsh. What kind of God would do that? Let a couple get married only to snatch away the groom before they could celebrate even one month together! But, as believers, we have a different perspective. At least I do.

I like to see it this way, and you may disagree, but I know that my God knew when Dale would struggle to take his last breath. My God knew. My God knew that the desire of Dale's heart was to know love, to have a wife. I choose to believe that my God knew Dale's time was coming and said this, "You know what, my son, you have waited so long. Before I call you home, I will give you this one last dream." He did.

For that, there is nothing but praise and adoration offered up to the Giver and Fulfiller of Dreams.

Put on Your Grace

2010-07-06T21:58:00.003-04:00

Bear with me. This is raw, unfiltered, unorganized and completely not thought through. Again, courtesy of my Tuesday night Bible study, which is quickly becoming the highlight of my weeks, so much so that I may have to request to have Tuesday nights off for July and August. This is Bible study, my friends, at its core.

Tonight, we continued our study in Colossians 3 with the idea of putting on the new man. How often do we just whip past that?

Yea, yea, put off put on, blah blah blah...

Hold the phone. Seriously. Stop. Think about that. Put on, like putting on clothes in the morning. The question was posed to the group.

Why this analogy? Why putting on clothes?

Shame on the writer in me for not stopping and thinking about that before.

One man in the group said, "It's an act of the will. Your clothes just don't fall on you, you have to choose them and actually put them on." The simplicity of that statement made all of us chuckle, but the depth of it caught many of us off guard. We choose this. Hello! We choose it. Excuses are now gone. I can't hide behind the "well that's the way I was made excuse" because, while that may be true, it is irrelevant. I am commanded, because of who I am in Christ, to put on attributes that reflect Christ.

More than that, I am to wear them. We have this willful putting on of the clothes, but we have to wear them. Would it make sense for me to dress in a nice black pant suit and then cover it up with grungy jeans and a holey t-shirt and then go to work? When the boss questions my wardrobe choice what do I say, "Oh well, I am wearing the right clothes underneath." Does that make sense?

No.

But how often do I do that? How often I hide behind the "Well, I am a really nice person once you get to know me" line! That's not how it is supposed to be. Someone should be able to meet me and say, "Wow! You are a really nice person" and then, after knowing me, be able to say, "Wow! What I saw was real." But it's all flip-flopped, and I am sure it is that way for so many of us.

That isn't how it is supposed to be! Put on your grace. Put on your compassion. Put on your humility. Put on your kindness. Put on your patience. Wear it proudly (if that ain't an oxymoron) and boldly! Quit running around in your old clothes with a Heavenly wardrobe at your fingertips.

Beauty in the Broken

2010-07-03T11:08:00.004-04:00

Ever have one of those weeks? One of those weeks when you hit the end of the road and there is this mirror. You see yourself and think, "Wow... I look horrible..." (figuratively-speaking). This week has been one of those weeks. There has been the high of being in the fellowship of Christian friends only to come crashing down as the Devil has assualted harder than he has in recent months. What was beautiful has been broken.

The past twenty-four hours have been difficult. Frustrating, and now... humbling. Even in the moments of our putrid weakness, God still has the ability to use us, in spite of ourselves. As I bore assault after assault at the hand of my heart and all its devices, God was preparing the restoration. My mind finally cleared enough to look at my ministry e-mail to find two e-mails. Two e-mails sent while I was in the heat of my battle, while my defenses were crumbling, and if I had only taken a moment to pull up and cry out to my God, I would have taken a moment to remind myself of all He is and He has done. I would have checked that e-mail and the battle would have ended.

But we are stubborn. So stubborn. I fought on, late into the night. Damaged, weakened, broken.

Then, God reminded me, through those e-mails, after I had long since given in, that He still has a plan, a purpose and a reason, and that in spite of nailing Him to His cross yet again, He still chooses to shower His grace on me enough to use me. He still chooses to take the broken and make it beautiful.

"So faithful. So constant. So loving, so true, so wonderful in all You do. You fill me, and You see me. You know my every move, and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that You will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that You have come down, even if to write upon my heart. To remind me of who You are.

So patient. You're so gracious. So merciful and true. So powerful in all You do. You fill me, and You see me. You know my every move, and You love for me to sing to You.

Lord, I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that You will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that You have come down, even if to write upon my heart. To remind me of who You are."
~ "You are For Me." Kari Jobe.

Honestly...

2010-06-30T08:47:00.002-04:00

Last night, for two hours, I sat with a group of Christian young adults. We spent the entire two hours discussing the effects of Colossians 3:11 on our lives. Two hours on one verse. That is intense. From the whole night, though, I came away with one burning question. It is a question I present to you now.

Why aren't there more homeless people in our churches?

Now, obviously, it doesn't have to be 'homeless.' Why aren't there more single parents in our churches? Why aren't there more hopeless people in our churches?

Why is it that the body of Christ seems altogether incapable of actually reaching out and including within the community of Christ those whom Christ Himself came to save?

If a homeless person, a gothic person, a witch, a tattooed muscle man, a biker, a hippie, a whatever... whatever it may be that makes you feel uncomfortable or breaks the church's cultural norm. If that person walked into the back doors of your church, what would you do? Honestly.

B_Still

2010-06-28T07:57:00.002-04:00

This is not always an easy one for us. We live in a go-go-GO! society with a slow-slow-SLOW! faith. It's one of the paradoxes of our lives. The world around us contains so many pressures. There are ads, commercials, newscasters, movies, all screaming at us telling us what we should be, shouldn't be, could be and mustn't be. Too often it is too easy to allow them to rule our hearts and minds.

When our eyes shoot open in the morning after a one hour snooze button marathon, the first thing on our minds is the 101 reasons why we shouldn't have had that one hour snooze button marathon. We are busy busy busy people, but we are called to be still.

Faith can never be convenient. Faith done right is like a Sunday afternoon slow-cooked meal. That is real food. That real food takes time, planning, sacrifice. It takes dedication. It's no wonder we settle for toaster pastries and zap-a-snacks. But there are no zap-a-snack shortcuts with faith. It's not like you can take a quick shower, grab your orange juice and an apple with a prayer bar that you can scarf down on your way to work. That is not how faith works.

In Psalm 46, we encounter a Battle Psalm, a song praising Jehovah Sabbaoth, the Lord of Hosts.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah

There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early. The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth. He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire. Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah"

Obviously, we enjoy parking our sermons on "Be still, and know that I am God..." But oh! What we miss in this context when we rip that verse out and slap it on a bumper sticker. Look! Look at this chapter, listen to the heart of the Psalmist as he cries out to God. As he stands in the midst of turmoil and says, "God is our refuge...we will not fear... though the world falls apart around us... God is still with us." Wow.

How often do we approach life with that faith? Better question: How often do we not approach life with that faith? Our mountains crumble, the heather around us rage, and we throw a little white flag in the air shouting, "Ok! I give up!" We succumb to the ebb and flow of life. We are battered by its waves. Like Peter, we have been called to walk on the water in the midst of a stormy sea but we are too focused on the storm to remember that we were in fact told by the Master of the Sea to walk.

There may be a storm in your life. It may be that your eyes pop open in the morning and your mind is already whirring. To-Do lists may already line your wall on brightly-colored post-it notes. Somewhere, in the midst of all that chaos, is God. He's standing, waiting. Waiting for you to give the word. Waiting for you to cry out to Him so He can look at the chaos around you and say, "Peace! Be still." But first, it's your turn.

B_Available

2010-06-21T11:27:00.003-04:00

This is the first in a series I have affectionately named the "B" series (no, there is no A series). Grant you, having a series of "be"s is nothing new. Jesus did it first with His "Beattitudes." Still, we often forget that so much of our faith is action. The only "be" we tend to care about is "be" saved. That's about it. We forget that our faith is a continuous call to action. A constant call to serve. A standing command to be everything we can be and even that which we cannot in order to further the Kingdom of Christ. We are altogether to comfortable sitting around doing nothing, leaving all of the 'spiritual stuff' for those 'spiritual stuff kinda people.' We are supposed to be those 'spiritual stuff kinda people.' We need to be available.

This is a personal antagonist of mine. I loathe being inconvenienced. Many of us do. We settle into a one track mind and believe that A, B, and C are going to happen. We plan accordingly. So, when K walks up out of turn, we become highly annoyed. Still, in that moment, we have a choice. We can run K over and proceed directly to A. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200. Or, we can handle K first and embrace this little change in plans.

God tells us His thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are beyond searching out. What this means is that, more often than not, when K wanders up to us out of turn, God is the one who put K there.

Case in point, the other day I was inconvenienced by one of my students. He decided to announce that he was not going to be able to go home for another 30 minutes. Translated, this means: Miss Jessica, you have to stay here with me for the next 30 minutes of your life, wasting your time watching me because I didn't have the wherewithal to make sure I told my ride to be here on time. At least, that's how I heard it.

In that moment, I had a choice. A) I can be very annoyed and make sure he, and the entire world know that I am being inconvenienced. B) Be available. I took a deep breath, excused my coworker to go home and braced myself for a long 30 minutes. A minute later he was gone. Well, that's convenient. Instead, I was left after school with a group of students (brothers and sister) waiting for their mom, who would be 30 minutes late.

In those thirty minutes, God smiled on our little powow. One of my students started talking about faith (rare, even for a Christian school) and shared his testimony. I watched as this young man literally became lost in his Saviour and in all that God had done for him. He talked, and talked and talked. Normally, that would annoy me too, but I had made the decision to be available. I listened, smiling with a genuine joy, sharing in his rejoicing, praising the Lord that in this dimly lit school there was one little light trying to shine.

I couldn't help but smile, even laugh as I drove home. How God used those moments to encourage my heart, to strengthen the faith on which I stand. To prepare me for the test coming later that evening.

As I turned in to bed that evening, I was still swelling with emotion from the encounter earlier in the day. God is so good!

I picked up my phone and discovered a text message. Long story short, the girls had the wrong number but the same names as some of my students so it took us a while to realize that we actually did not know each other. I had a choice A) Inform them that they had the wrong number and that I was not going to stay up any longer dealing with them. B) Be available. After the events of the day, I again chose B. The following hour led to a friendship with a young preteen girl, nervous about entering high school next year and worried about how she will handle math. As our conversation ended, she texted me: "Good night, Miss Jessica." I slept well that night, praising God for a day, that to me, was more about victory than anything else.

We have to realize that God's ways do not fit within our logic. The broken down car on the side of the road may very well be an opportunity to be Jesus to someone who is hurting. The young mother of four behind you in line at the grocery store may very well be an opportunity for you to further the Kingdom. What we see as inconvenience may very well be God's divine appointment.

We need to wake up every morning expecting God to use us, not wondering if He can fit Himself into our daybook. As your feet hit the floor in the morning and your mind starts laying out "A, B and C" take one moment to step back, grab a Sharpie and over it all write: "Be Available" because that is the most important thing on your to-do list, any day. And that way when L walks up to you completely out of turn, you can face it with a smile and say, "I've been expecting you."

Lived Out Loud

2010-05-18T19:05:00.002-04:00

Just a matter of hours ago, I read a eulogy of a man on a friend's Facebook page. She wrote of his faith and of his drive to draw people toward Christ. At first read, it sounded like he was some sort of cancer patient. One of those people that just knows his time is short. I've known a few people like that, and assumed he was one of them.

I was wrong.

This young man, not even 24 years old, had plans for this past weekend. I have found and read through eulogy upon eulogy about him, trying to piece together who he was and his last moments here. I visited his Facebook, which is open to the public and saw a post from Friday afternoon about how he was going out with friends to a triathalon and was inviting others to come. I read a note from a friend who was with him Friday, just hours before his life changed forever. I just received an e-mail from one of his close friends, who I happen to know from college (it's a small world after all). This is what it said:

I just graduated from Grace College this past Saturday (the 8th) and that was the last time I saw {him}, he drove from Grand Rapids to my graduation in Indiana, then right back to MI for his brothers graduation from Hillsdale. My open house was Sunday afternoon at the parsonage that belongs to my home church in MI, I used to live there, but now the youth pastor does, and {he} had been renting a room in the house. He had posted on the wall for the event (for my open house) "I probably won't show up, but I'll be there".... a joke on the fact that he lived there, but boy oh boy did that turn out to be true or what...

He had plans. Plans that did not involve losing his life. Still, the faith he lived his life with was vibrant. It reflected a constant awareness of the weight of eternity.

On Friday night, hours after his last post on Facebook, his last Frisbee match with friends, this young man was involved in a serious bicycling accident that caused severe head trauma. On Monday evening, he met his Saviour face to face, and though I have never met the young man, it is clear to me that he received a hearty, "Well done, my child, enter into the glory of the Lord."

We just don't know. If we knew today would be our last, what would we do? Would we live our faith out loud? Many do, and that's why I thought, at first glance, that this man had resigned himself to death. That wasn't the case. This man had resigned himself to Christ, and lived every day as if that day he would have to answer to his Saviour.

Can we say the same?

How Silent is Faith?

2010-05-08T08:09:00.002-04:00

Faith is such a tricky thing to try and navigate at times. We have such a variety of examples of faith in the Bible that it can be very difficult to figure out what faith truly is and how it is supposed to flesh out in our lives.

A college professor of mine once stood for abortion (yes, at a Bible college of all things). His reasoning was that if the baby would harm the mother then the mother's act of faith was to abort the baby...
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We didn't get it either. In fact, we, as a class, loudly protested saying that faith would do nothing. He began to pull Biblical examples of faith being actions not stillness. By the end of class, we were thouroughly frustrated and confused, all trying to figure out this new faith we had just been presented with.

Here's my take on it. Faith is shown to other men through our works. That is what James is all about. Faith to God is shown through our belief in Him, which is what the Gospel is all about.

Going back to the abortion debate. In the eyes of men, is there faith involved in fear? No. If I abort my unborn child because I am concerned that he or she may take my life, is that faith? Personally, I don't think so.

My professor would say, "What if there were children at home? It would be selfish to die for the sake of one." Would it? Isn't that what Christ did? Offered Himself for the sake of one? Even if only one person had come to Christ, woudl that have been enough? Yes, I believe so. I just struggle with this logic of taking matters into our own hands and then with our mouths confessing to be depending on God.

However, faith does not sit at home and do nothing either. For instance, if God calls you to be a medical missionary, you just can't sit around and expect a medical mission board to walk up to you and say, "Hey! Would you like to join our team? We know you haven't had any schooling, but figure we can train you." Does that make sense? No!

If God calls you to be a medical missionary, then your act of faith is to go to school, get your degree and begin pursuing positions as a medical missionary. The key is to trust every step to Him, and that's where Proverbs 3:5-6 come in. Sometimes our steps do not make human sense. God sense is really the only sense that matters.

This is all something I have been muttling through as I try to determine God's next step for me. I know it now, but there is this hesitation. I know the end objective, I just haven't figured out the process at this point. Does faith just sit back and wait for God to move or does it gently knock on the door and say, "Alright, God, if this is it, I will walk through. If not, I will wait for You to show me where I am going." Is that still faith? To pursue what you believe to be the place where God is taking you? Can you be a medical missionary without first becoming something medical??

Not that I am planning on becoming a medical missionary. It's just musing, trying to figure out where God begins and my strength is of none effect. At what point does God say, "Ok, hands off!"? Interesting thought, isn't it...

A Light in Dark Places

2010-05-04T10:26:00.002-04:00

Today the sun is shining brightly. I walked out the door this morning into a balmy and beautiful 70 degree day. It's beautiful. Perfect, even (well, not really). Still, the reality is sinking in more and more that we live in a dark world.

At this very moment, across the room from me, a friend of mine is getting ready to enter the lions den. She is taking a Danielesque stand for her Saviour and the opportunity gives me goosebumps. To think it all started with a paper.

She is taking classes at a local college. A local secular college. For further clarification, this is a local secular college outside of DC. Meaning that this college isn't just tolerant, it is a forceful tolerant- pushing and teaching that students should believe in evolution. Pushing and teaching that students should be tolerant of homosexuality. It is an actively secular college.

It is for an English class at this actively secular college that she wrote a paper expounding how nature proves (yes, proves) that there has to be a Creator. Already, she has taken heat for it. After announcing her topic, she was e-mailed by her professor. He had provided a link to a video "proving" evolution. She was unscathed and pushed on. She turned in the paper last week, but the beautiful thing is that her paper is not an anti-evolution paper as much as it is a pro-Creator paper (not to be confused with procreation). She presented the facts found in nature and left the reader to decide. It was a beautiful paper, and I'm sure her Father was proud.

In fact, I'm positive He is. Today, in just hours, she will stand before a body of her actively secular classmates and point them all to her Creator through creation. What an opportunity! What a thrill!

It made me think of how often we forget to shine. Instead of being a light to light the way to Christ, we become an interrogation lamp blinding those who would seek Him. She did not get in anyone's face. In a simple and honest fashion she presented her Saviour in the way He chose to present Himself to us (through nature). Now, He has given her more room to shine. He has given her an audience before which she can stand and say, "Let me introduce you to my God."

We live in a dark dark world. A world desparately in need of hope. If we are willing to shine, willing to glow, He will, without a doubt, use us to show Himself.

A Call to Show Love

2010-04-20T12:56:00.002-04:00

Over the past month, I have been intently studying the nature of true love reflected in the love God has for us and the love He has called us to. This weekend, those reflections were brought to a new love as I celebrated the marriage of a dear friend.

We, as humans, are given a high honor. We were created with the ability to love and to communicate that love to one another. Marriage is a unique, even divine, expression of that love. The love a husband and wife have for each other serves as a picture of God's love for the world. In that, it is a serious calling, not something to be taken lightly. Not just because one is responsible for the other but because one is responsible for how the world views their relationship with the other. Marriage is serious, holy business because it is meant to reflect God in His most intimate potrayal.

For that matter, the love we have for each other (married or not) is a picture of God's love for the world. God loves the world; that goes without question. The problem is, the world doesn't know that yet. How are they supposed to see that if we aren't showing them?

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.

I John 3:18

Spoon Fed Faith

2010-03-15T11:19:00.003-04:00

Two days ago, I happened upon a video about The Naked Gospel, a recent Amazon.com best seller about the truths of the Christian faith. I haven't read it, but the video itself was, at first, offensive. The author of the book, Andrew Farley, is a minister, though I question his adherence to Scripture since he states in one of his sermons that he once married a woman to a corpse (something just seems off about that). At any rate, in this 'teaser' video, he asked ten questions about our faith. Ten questions that most Christians would answer "true." For instance:

Every time we sin, we must repent and ask forgiveness: True or False.

Christians must give ten percent of their income to the church: True of False.

The answer, in his opinion, to every one of the questions was "False." Now, I am not saying that I agree with the first glance of that, but I also know, as a writer, that we purposefully create controversy in order to grab the reader's attention. As I looked up reviews for the book, it seems that Mr. Farley based his answers on different perspectives and definitions of words. Still, the controversy was well appreciated, especially since I am in the beginning stages of writing a book entitled, "True Loves Does Not Wait." I picked that title on purpose, for two reasons:

1- it will draw in those who say, "Oh finally, a Christian who supports premarital sex!" (Which is definitely not the case.

2- to draw in the critics that say, *gasp* "How dare someone attack our doctrine of purity."

At any rate, since watching that video and writing for my own book, I have been increasingly disgusted by how much we are spoon fed our faith. Even the 'core' beliefs of it.

I just read through part of Ezekiel this morning. I don't know that I have ever heard a sermon on anything in Ezekiel except the dry bones. Everyone loves the dry bones story. I am not there yet. Instead, I just finished reading through when God basically calls Israel a whore and says, "You know, you have slept with everyone else, but hello! you are mine! I chose you, remember?" The specific chapters I read this morning showed a foreshadowing of grace and asked the question many ask today, "Is God's way unfair?" to which God replies, "Don't question whether or not my ways are fair. You are the unfair ones." As I read, I thought, "Now why haven't I ever heard of this passage before? Why hasn't this ever been taught??"

How much of our faith is just mashed up and pureed so that it is pallatable? How much of our faith do we actually own? Do we actually know is true?

Yesterday, in church, the entire sermon was on tithe. The pastor never once brought up a Scriptural support for a tithing mandate. There isn't one for the New Testament church, so preaching it as such is unBiblical. Does that mean we shouldn't give? No. We should. But does God still mandate ten percent? No. At least, not from my personal study.

In Sunday School yesterday, we talked about purity and I listened as one of my co-teachers read a passage from Genesis and somehow twisted it to prove that every person on the face of the planet has someone made specifically to be their mate. She should get a Pulitzer, really. That doesn't have Scriptural basis either. Still, the girls were taking it in. She had used God's word to promise them that some day they would get married. Now, all they had to do was wait. True love doesn't wait.

Is it any wonder our faith is so weak? We pick Scripture to skip, and others to twist. Still others we mash up and flavor until it is barely recognizable. We ingest it and become sick, because it is all wrong. It isn't God's word, it is ours- our spoon fed faith.

The Journey of Reconciliation

2010-02-12T12:29:00.002-05:00

Moments ago a phone call with a long-time friend ended. It was unintentional; her phone died. Ah memories. We often talked until one of our phones died. Usually it was mine, but this time I had four battery bars. I was prepared. We haven't talked in months.

It has been a painful few months, and the conversation we had this morning made me think of what it means to be reconciled.

Reconciliation is not an action. It is an ongoing process, at least as far as I see it. Even when it comes to grace, although we are immediately accepted into the family of Christ, we must continue to pursue a deeper relationship with Him. It is not reconciliation, it is not sanctification if we just say, "Woohoo! Great! I'm a child of the King. Alright, God, catch you later!"

If that is our grace, we have missed the point entirely. Yes, we are saved by grace and it does not require works. We don't have to earn our salvation, but we should remember that, like reconciliation, the act of salvation is a process. It is a continuing, ongoing process that does not end when we come to a saving knowledge of Christ.

My friend, for instance, is still my friend. Could we be closer? yes. We are working on that. But it does not change the fact that she is still my friend now. In a year I pray we are closer friends, but I just can't ignore her and expect that to happen.

On the flipside, we can't expect to be best friends again when we wake up tomorrow. Likewise, in the Christian life, you cannot expect to be Joe SuperChristian when you get up tomorrow morning. It is a process, and that is important. Not only can we not give up on that process; we can't rush it either.

Do not expect to wake up tomorrow morning and be one with the will of the God. Sanctification is a process. It is a journey. God promises to meet us on that journey. To take it with us. To continue the work He has started in us. That is a promise He gives us. Take note, it is His work to continue, but it is our responsibility to be open to its continuance.

Did you see the Tim Tebow Ad?

2010-02-07T22:48:00.002-05:00

I have to say, I missed it, but I just googled it (coincidentally, it is not on YouTube). I honestly wonder if everyone from NOW is collectively chewing on their feet. They raised all of this fuss and stink and ruckus about this ad destroying a woman's choice... blah blah blah.

Have you seen it? It never once talked about abortion or choice or anything like that. They spazzed and, frankly, look like a bunch of idiots because of... fear.

If any other football player had decided to run an ad, it would have been fine. But face it, Tim is a Christian, and the world knows that, and they are, frankly, scared of it. His light is shining and it is shining bright. People are afraid of his Christianity.

What a testimony to the rest of us. I remember hearing a quote once:

"You need to live the kind of life that every morning Satan says, 'Rats! She's awake.'"

That's the kind of life Tim lives, at least in the public eye. He is not afraid to stand up for his faith and his morals. He asks for a Superbowl ad and the entire United States freaks out.

This woman was interviewed on a news show, she said she had never seen the script for the ad, she had no clue what was in the ad but she knew they shouldn't run it. If it had been a beer commercial she wouldn't have cared. But they knew it wouldn't be. Nevermind the fact that shutting off a commercial because the message is feared to be Christian is in stark violation of Constitutional rights. This isn't America or anything, we citizens don't have something called free speech. Yet she says it was a scam commercial by Focus on the Family (because no one would dare call Tim Tebow a scam, so, by all means, attack a corporation).

The hindsight brought to mind another Biblical point. Many times in Proverbs, we are basically instructed to hear a matter through before inserting our opinion and to not meddle. All of these people who freaked out, God used them to draw more attention to what would have been a very neutral ad. They made the controversy and they made it a Huge! deal, and God is going to get the Glory. How cool is that!

On one of the sites though, there was a poll that asked, "Do you think they should have run this ad or do you think that the Superbowl isn't the place for this kind of content?" Here's my thought: first off, we have free speech, and if someone is willing to foot the million dollar tab to secure a Superbowl slot, then let their ad run. Secondly, I would rather see a neutral, friendly, even funny commercial before the raunchy, sex drugs and rock and roll that was everywhere.

Thank goodness Ice Age was playing on another channel. It is the constant flipping back and forth that made us miss the Tebow commercial in the first place. But honestly, there was not one commercial that I can recall that didn't have suggestive nature, partial nudity, chauvinism (that one made me mad-- the women's groups should have gone after that one), alcohol or all of the above. It was disgusting. But Praise the Lord for one light. One commercial that was different than all the rest, and coincidentally, the one that will be remembered the most.

Funny how that works.

Chocolate Covered Strawberries

2009-12-30T11:21:00.000-05:00

This post was going a completely different way. Then an analogy popped in my head and the entire 500 words was scrapped, all for the sake of chocolate-covered strawberries.

Yesterday, as I studied, I was thinking about faith, about the battle between our spirit and our flesh. I realized a few things. One, there will always be a battle. Even if we think our flesh is dead and gone, it will come back to overpower a weak spirit. Two, our flesh does not change, the desires it had before it was killed off will be the same desires it is resurrected with (I am talking about our fleshly nature here, not the glorified bodies). Three, who you serve is who you feed.

Four, you can "feed" your spirit and your flesh at the same time.

Before you can at me with "no man can serve two masters" let me explain. It is like chocolate-covered strawberries. On one hand, they are good for you, but they are still not considered healthy, right? Why? Because chocolate is not the best thing in the word for you. If it were, it would be in a food group other than "fats."

But what are spiritual chocolate-covered strawberries. They appear spiritual but are fleshly motivated. For instance, I read my Bible every morning for ten minutes because that is 'spiritual' but my motivation in doing it is to impress... myself, I guess. Maybe that's why people opt for chocolate-covered strawberries instead of candy bars. At least reading five chapters is better than reading a romance novel, right?

So, while my spirit man may be gleaning a bit of sustenance from my meal of candied fruit, the one who is really getting the benefit is my flesh. It should be no surprise to me, then, that in the end my flesh is stronger. It wins out.

Yesterday was a day that solidified the reality of chocolate-covered strawberries. Here I felt like I was doing a good job devotionally-wise. I was pretty faithful about reading my Bible every morning and read for a decent amount of time and I would pray through my students and other needs at the front of my mind. I thought I was doing pretty good. Someone else, a complete stranger, told me otherwise.

I received a phone call, and interview yesterday morning as I removed a load of laundry from the dryer. I walked over to a comforter and sat down and was asked to share my devotional life. So I bragged about how I can pray in the car while I am driving to work, and how I have this Hebrew-Greek study Bible that makes me the equivalent of a theology grad student (not really). I felt pretty impressed by myself. Surely I had to be making an impression on this person. Not really.

He said very plainly that my devotional life needs a lot of work. It was like getting a cavity from my chocolate-covered strawberries. Maybe more of a root canal. It hurt. My flesh immediately went into revolt as he challenged me to up the ante in my spiritual life and really make time for God. Two hours each morning was the challenge.

When that was first presented I was reeling. Two hours!? Two hours is for people like Charles Spurgeon or Amy Carmichael. Two hours is not for people like me. As I listened to him explain his challenge, I calmed a little. He asked, "How do you feel about that?" There was a long pause, and all I could say was, "Woah."

That is like an all-organic diet, or a juice fast. It's for those 'other people' not for me. Jessica doesn't do organic. I like my chocolate-covered strawberries, thank you very much. But then it occurred to me. I had it all wrong. The 'spiritual greats' did not have great spiritual lives because they were great. No. The spiritual greats were great because they had great spiritual lives. They were spiritually healthy because they had ditched the chocolate-covered strawberries. You don't get healthy and then decide to eat right. You eat right and then become healthy.

So, two hours it is, but not right away. It's like training for a marathon. It takes time to develop... and those chocolate covered strawberries have to go.

Never Despise Starting Over

2009-12-23T14:12:00.002-05:00

To say I am at a breaking point would be an understatement. Right now, I would consider myself just plain broken. I have spent the past 24 hours grappling with where I am after 24 years of life. I cried myself to sleep last night as I thought, "This is not where I wanted to be." My life feels so impactless at the moment. I know it has its impact, but I had hoped it would be more. Much more.

So, I am broken, because somewhere along the line I missed a step, I think. That step would be the sacred.

Years ago (man I feel old when I say that), I read a book by Eric Ludy. The book, entitled, "Meet Mr. Smith" talked about the sacred. In it, Eric introduces the reader to Sacred, a personification of the attribute that should be present in our lives. In telling the story, Eric shares how he actually set the book itself aside, in the face of looming deadlines, in order to care for that which is sacred- his wife.

For me, sacredness and patience work hand in hand. That which is sacred must be waited for. I can get so impulsive. My train of thought is instant. If God calls me to be a missionary, I should go now. It does not make sense for me to wait for two years. If God calls me to write something, I should write it now, and in turn He should publish it now. Right? It's not like it isn't needed right now. Right?

But this morning, as I sat in little pieces on the floor, a friend sent me a Scripture reference: Ecclesiastes 3:11. If you will tolerate a paraphrase: God makes all things beautiful in His time; don't try to figure out what He's doing.

That was the version according to Jessica. That is how I read it this morning.

As we come up on Christmas, I think back to a Sunday school lesson I taught months ago. I talked about how the world had waited for Christ. That's why the hymn sings, "Come thou long-expected Jesus." For centuries the world waited for Redemption. Did they need the Redemption then? Of course they did. Did God know what was best? Absolutely.

So, I have spent some time reflecting on God's timing. Some people say to never despise small beginnings, to serve where you stand, to bloom where you are planted. That's all fine well and good except for the fact that when Jessica is given a brick, I build the whole wall. I am not one to enjoy the journey. I am one to find the quickest route possible to the destination. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line at five over the speed limit. That's how I work. So, God gives me bricks, lays a foundation and then I grab the blue prints and build the rest of the wall. Sure, I had small beginnings, and I didn't despise them but doesn't God want more from me... and now?

I build it up, and then triumphantly turn and face my Father. With love in His eyes, He says, "Tear it down." I'm crushed. What?! "Tear it down. That isn't want I wanted for you. Tear it down."

And down it comes again. That's where I stand right now. Or maybe I am sitting. Sitting amongst a pile of broken dreams trying to figure out the exact point when God's work became mine. I can't find that point, so it's back to the drawing board. Given the choice of cutting myself on broken glass and letting God help me start over, I think I pick the latter.

Just for Fun

2009-12-18T13:30:00.001-05:00

As Aslan, you are brave, noble and have an astute awareness of morality. You may be quick to anger at times, but you have a heart of gold, and are respected greatly among your peers.

Narnia Personality Quiz

Cloudburst

2009-12-09T07:23:00.002-05:00

I woke up in deep thought this morning, quite a way to start my 25th year of life. I sat down in front of the Mirror and cried out to God, "What is my problem?" He replied gently, "you."

I'm taking a break... catch you all on the other end of it.

Open Doors

2009-12-07T20:26:00.003-05:00

"When something becomes frustrating or confusing, it is no longer God doing it; it's us."

That is a paraphrase from Joyce Meyer's book, "Seven Things That Steal Our Joy." It's a quote God reminded me of today as I wrote to a ministry partner of mine.

So often, I run ahead of God- far ahead. It's not that I am not supposed to go to a certain place. It's just that I'm going without Him.

Years ago, my family visited Ruby Falls in Chattanooga, TN. We entered the cave to lead us to the falls and, in a few moments, realized we had lost my youngest brother. We strained to see through the crowd and spotted him nearly 50 yards ahead, on his way to the Falls. He got in trouble. Why? Is it because he was going the wrong way? No. He was simply getting ahead of us.

I do that to God so often. He opens a door, and I walk through it. Then, I get so excited about being through the door that I burst into a full out sprint and miss everything entirely in my mad dash to open door #2.

God is so gentle and patient with me. He reminded me of that today in a strange way. He actually reminded me through a YouTube promotional video for an independent Christian music group composed of 24 year olds. In the end of the video one of them said, "We are just walking through the doors He opens."

Service to Him does not have to be a blazing spitfire. There is much service to be had in boldness and courage. Everyone reading this is very confused, but I promise in the next few weeks, all that I have said will make sense. Being Reckless is not about swinging a sword and shaking an angry fist in the face of society and saying, "Deal with it."

Being Reckless is simply this: Deciding to follow Jesus and never turning back.

And We Wonder Why...

2009-11-28T12:07:00.002-05:00

I've heard it many times before, the beaten dead horse statistic that young adults are leaving church when they hit college and aren't coming back until they have kids. Here's a thought: maybe it is time we stop quoting statistics and work on changing them... just a thought.

I did a little research before I sat down to right this and found 101 Different reasons why young adults leave the church. I think, as a young adult myself, very few of them actually know what they are talking about. This one article did hit home. It bears the subheading "Young adults will leave church if they are overlooked." It was published by the Baptist Press in 2006.

Being a Baptist, I feel very comfortable in saying, leave it to us to nail the problem square on the head and then do nothing about it. It's like searching for years for a diagnosis of a chronic illness. The doctor finally figures it out, announces the diagnosis, then leaves. As if you have the medical training to treat yourself.

In the article, it polled Christian young adults (there's an idea: ask the people who are actually in that stage of life) asking what they were looking for in a church. I can hear the 'older' generations thinking now. Immediately, they all went down the "all these young people want is drums and a fun time." You would be wrong, and if I may, you would be half the problem.

Here is the other half. Of those young adults polled in a 2006 survey conducted by Lifeway Research, 73% of 18-34 year olds thought it was important to be able to develop relationships with people their age. 71% felt hands-on service in the community was important. 68% wanted to be able to explore religious environment without pressure (a.k.a. establish themselves in their own faith). 67% wanted to be able to get advice from people with similar life experiences, and a whopping 66% felt it was important to be able to utilize their own talents and gifts in the church.

The percentage of those things I see done in the modern-day church- 0%.

Notice, nothing was said about music, or games, or programs. In fact, the article goes on to say this, which is really the whole point of this rambling blog. It says,

"I truly believe [this generation] wants to embrace Jesus Christ and His plan for their life...They want to embrace church, but only the genuine, earth-shaking, Christ-powered New Testament church. For some churches, that’s going to mean changing methodology but not the message of the Bible.”

Johnston said the solution is simple: Give this generation the unbridled truth of the Gospel, without apology, and they will actively embrace it.

And that's where we, as a church, have fallen short. We give the truth like we give vitamins. We pump it full of sugar and make it a flavored and cute chewable. Church is a dietary supplement. Let me ask you this: can you survive on a bottle of vitamins?

In a little over a month, Reckless will be launching. Reckless, along with other already-established ministries such as The Rebelution, are geared toward activating this generation of young people to live life for Christ.

Frankly, I'm done. We're done. Done settling for second best in our walks with Christ and in our churches. Done settling for a faith that can barely move a blade of grass much less a mountain. Done.

The problem holds guilt all over our churches. We lack discipleship. We lack responsibility. We lack depth.

We have these children's and youth programs. They are shallow, pumped full of music and a good time. Pumped full of points and systems and strategies. Mass-produced and microwaveable. Tell me, can you survive on that?

What we need is depth. What we need is intention. We need a generation of leaders willing to do hard things (to steal Alex and Brett's line) in order to raise up a generation of young adults who will do hard things. I have seen it and I still see it. This generation of teenagers is a generation that is done with the sugar coating and fluff. Give them the truth raw and wriggling and keep your nasty chips (yes, I am in a quoting mood today. Name the movie!).

Liken our faith to a swimming pool. There is a community pool in my back yard, literally. There is a shallow end, a deep end and a wading pool. As a church, we have our youth in the shallow end. We don't want to scare them by going into the deep end, so we let them play in the shallow end. Then, once they hit college age, we push them down the water slide into the deep end. We expect them to become actively involved and step into leadership roles. And we wonder why they drown.

How about, instead, we take the teenagers to the deep end and teach them how to swim. Guess what, though, swimming lessons are best one on one. Less likelihood of drowning that way. What does that mean for us? That means a few things. First, we have to get in the pool. Second, we have to know how to swim (hard to teach someone when you don't know yourself). Third, we have to patient and willing to teach.

But it's so much easier to mass-produce a lesson and hand it out along with our little fortune cookies. It is much easier to smile and nod and keep walking than to sit down and actually have a serious conversation. It is less time consuming and less expensive to just meet with youth on Sunday and Wednesday. Besides, we don't have the gas to drive to McDonald's or the money to buy them a $1 cheeseburger. Can't they figure out how to swim on their own?

A few do. But just a few. The rest grab on to the life raft offered by the world and climb out, never to return again.

And we wonder why...

More than Just Surviving

2009-11-21T16:35:00.003-05:00

This morning, I sauntered over to my Facebook and posted about how horrible today would be. Maybe not horrible, but just how long it would be. Yesterday had been a little rough, and had resulted in a rather impressive headache last night. After trying to battle it for a couple hours, me and my churning stomach made our way to bed, where I slept until 6 this morning, when my brother woke me up (there is no such thing as sleeping in here).

The to-do list for today was longer than a normal Saturday and I was still not feeling 100%. So, in typical Jessica fashion, I vented on my Facebook status about the four major things I had to do today. When I returned home after aerobics class (major thing #1), I read a friend's reply to my status. She said, "I pray you survive."

The thought occurred to me that survival is not the issue here. I have no doubt that, barring an unforeseen accident, I would be alive long enough to see tomorrow morning. That was not the problem. The problem was how I wanted to live today.

It's one thing to hole up in your room, and drown the world. It's entirely another to face a day like today and to do so in faith. To live the day, not just survive. So it has been with today, but I think God used yesterday to prepare me.

Yesterday marked day one of two that my boss, the school principal and high school teacher, would be out of town. I walked in to school fairly confident in my ability to handle a Friday without her. Within ten minutes, my confidence was faltering. I was standing in the school hallway with a parent halfway down my throat, reeming me out about how horrible of a teacher I was, etc, etc, etc.

Four years ago, I would have returned the favor and been halfway down hers. God's timing is perfect though, that morning I had read about how even a fool is regarded as wise when he keeps his mouth shut. I proceeded to listen to her for the next ten minutes, keeping my mouth shut, letting her vent off steam that probably resulted from dealing with the child she had to deal with. She ended the conversation by informing me that it was my job to teach and her job to deal with her child, and that I should do my job and she would do hers. Then, she left.

I proceeded to go into the office and exhale. I don't recall breathing the entire time she was talking to me. I let out a few tears because it is hard for me to not defend myself. I want to come back with this crass argument and tell her that her child's issues are not my problem. I can't, and that is humbling for me, because, in a situation like this, and a few others in my life, God has to be my defense. I have no choice.

After school started, I opened my e-mail, and God smiled. While one parent was raking me over the coals, another had sat down to write an e-mail of appreciation. She wrote about her child and how the staff had helped her child do much better in school. She thanked me for the time I had given her child, who is one of my 'focus' students. Guess maybe I'm not a scum-of-the-earth teacher after all, huh?

All of that yesterday prepared me to face all of this today.

After aerobics class this morning, mom and I went shopping. Our church is doing Thanksgiving baskets for needy families in our church and there is one family in particular I wanted to ensure had a basket. In order to do that, I bought them their basket. It's not like I am some rich person. Honestly, I was using money I do not have. I turned to my mother and said, tongue-in-cheek, "Why did you have to give me such a giving heart?"

The woman in charge of the baskets thought the same thing. When we arrived at the church she looked at my mother and said, "Here we were going to extend the food to give a basket to you guys and you are out shopping for people!" I guess, for us, it is part of faith. For now, we are blessed. We have a roof over our heads, a well-stocked pantry. We are fine. We are blessed, and are pretty intent on blessing others even if it draws blood from our bank. We'll be ok. God has always taken care of us.

Living the day.

After packing the baskets, we went to shop for my cousin's bridal shower. It's a bit of a rough situation, and for reasons unknown to me this particular cousin and I have a rough relationship. As we walked through the store, I was trying to think of the most practical thing to get her (because I am a huge practical person). My mom and I finally decided to pitch in together to get her something. We are now getting ready to head over to the shower, but the whole time I have been thinking about today. It hasn't been that bad.

In fact, sometime between doing the bulletin and shopping for the bridal shower, my headache and other ailments subsided. Now, I feel fine. I would say I have survived but there are still many hours left in today. I will say this though, it is one thing to make it through a day, it is another to make it through the day with your faith still intact. That's probably the hardest part of all of this.

At the end of the day, what will people say about me?

Bigger Than Life- 4Him
Life – sometimes such a bully. It sneaks up and knocks us to the ground. Life – seems to show no mercy. Well It laughs at us and kicks us when we’re down.

Well I’ve been there in it’s shadow and the time has taught me this, if we look over its shoulder, we’ll see that our God is

Bigger than life. Bigger than anything that comes our way. Bigger than life. Bigger than any problems we might face. Our God is so amazing beyond all we can say so hearts of faith take courage come what may. He’s bigger than life.

We, we all have had our bruises when life has led us to a painful place. Time and again hasn’t our God proven, He can handle any struggles that we face?

Well He’ll be the same tomorrow as He’s been through all the years so even when this life’s not fair, we have no cause to fear."

Our Satisfaction

2009-11-17T12:53:00.002-05:00

Satisfaction is a strange part of our lingo today. We can satisfy our hunger or satisfy a debt. It holds the idea of being completely content or fulfilled. We can fulfill a longing, or fulfill the terms of a contract. Customers have satisfaction surveys that indicate if a product met, even exceeded, their expectations.

The sad point is, if Christians filled out satisfaction surveys on their walk with Christ, I doubt many would have a high rating.

But isn't God enough?

Ready? No.

Before you report me to some ethics and religion board, let me explain. Should Christians rejoice in their salvation? Absolutely. Should we have life abundant offered to us because of our salvation? Sure!

That's just it though- it is offered to us. We don't receive life abundant at salvation. We receive life eternal at salvation. We receive life abundant when we are living out God's will for our lives.

That was the message my Pastor shared Sunday night, right after I got back from the purity retreat in Vermont. I had been thinking all weekend about how this is what I want to do! This is the kind of stuff I love to do! I thought of how much I would love to be able to minister to teenage girls for the rest of my life. I came back to school Monday extremely frustrated by the fact that I did not have another ministry event to prepare for.

But God...

This morning, I prayed for the next step. I prayed for Reckless. For wisdom in getting it started. I shared the concerns and short-comings I felt, and I drove to work today much more at peace with where I am. I know that God has brought me here and He will use me here. Then, this afternoon, a ton of discipleship- the one on one kind that I love. Reckless was just born... and to me, that is nuts. It is exciting though! Extremely exciting and I must say I am satisfied.

Impeccable Timing, Your Majesty

2009-11-04T20:51:00.002-05:00

No, that isn't an original title. I stole it from a Disney Movie. Can you name it??

At any rate, that is the dialogue between God and I at the moment. It is rather amazing how He always seems to know just when I need something. He especially likes to use the unexpected. I think that brings Him a great sense of joy when He can delight us with the simple things.

I am finishing a critical reading (editing) of an upcoming book. It is the 10th Anniversary of An Anchor for the Soul, by Ray Pritchard. This marks the third book that I have been able to have as a preview copy (the official term just left me). This, however, is the first of those three that I have been able to edit and give input for. It is a rather daunting but enjoyable task. I am not responsible for grammar as much as I am for content. I'm actually helping to update the book for its release, which is fun!

More than fun, it is informative. An Anchor for the Soul is simply an expanded Gospel Tract. It is an indepth look at the Gospel and presents truth in a take-it-or-leave-it matter of factness that would be good for some preachers to practice. Dr. Pritchard pastored a church himself and was one of my professors in Bible college. It is a blessing to work with him on this project.

The project itself has been a blessing. I have seen God and the Gospel in a new light since I read through the first 20 pages of manuscript. The timing couldn't have been better. At a moment when I was desperately needing to drink in some grace, when I was needing a new look at my Saviour, I found it... in a writing assignment nonetheless. Who would have figured?

The Fear of the Lord

2009-11-02T12:38:00.001-05:00

The past 24 hours have been a spiritual roller coaster. I have to confess that for the last couple weeks I have, in fact, been cocky. Really cocky. Life has been going so well that I began to feel like I could handle life on my own. It was as if I said, "Ok, God. Thanks for getting me out of that mess. The road looks pretty straight from here and I have a GPS, so if You don't mind, I am going to take it from here."

Thing is: He does mind.

That was never more evident than last night when the utter blackness and depravity of my own heart scared me. Even when regenerate, we are such sinful creatures. Even when desiring a walk with God, we are so prone to fall. In time, our eyes adjust to the darkness and we find ourselves walking just fine in the black night, until God's light shines in. Then, we find ourselves truly blinded, shocked by the contrast of Truth and the reality we have been living.

Last night was a serious time of reflection before my God. A prodigal son moment, if you will, when this heart came crawling back to her Maker, battered and bruised yet again. Yesterday afternoon, I read a blog by Leslie Ludy in which she tells the story of taking her two oldest children to a local pumpkin patch. When they arrived back at their car, a swarm of bees decided to attempt to ride home with them. Leslie tried to heroically defend her children but finally called her knight, Eric, to come rescue them. When their oldest son, Hudson, heard Leslie talking to Eric, Hudson exclaimed, "Daddy, help! Come save us from the bees!" It is a heart-warming story, and Leslie, being the gifted writer she is, draws a beautiful parallel to our walk with Christ. That is the reliance, the dependence we are supposed to have on God. We are supposed to run to Him yelling, "God! Please save me!"

That was our conversation last night. It was a "God! Please rescue me... from myself." Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. If we weren't so darn independent, we wouldn't have this problem, but our nature makes us act as if there is no God and we are in no need of one.

Yesterday I also came across a video blog by author Joshua Harris. In the video he was talking about self-control and how we have to make ourselves make time for God. How we have to actively alter our life schedule and make time for God. He was speaking on a passage from Proverbs that talks about sleeping leading to poverty. He says that it doesn't always have to be sleep. It could read, "A little Facebook, a little e-mail and your poverty will come upon you..."

It made me realize that my priorities have been, once again, way out of whack. Instead of getting up at 5:30 to read my Bible and pray and eat breakfast, I have been getting up at 6:30 to check my Facebook, e-mail, Beggar's Daughter and leave. The ministry God gave me began to become more important than my walk with Him. Everything in my spirituality had grown to center around what it would do for Beggar's Daughter. It had begun to consume me in an unholy way.

This morning, I decided to change that. Because change, really, is within our control.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, took a shower while my mom was out on her walk. Emptied the dishwasher and settled in on the couch for a solid, uninterrupted time before the throne of Grace. This morning, God was waiting there for me, with a message very clear. I opened my Bible to Job 23 and read chapters 23-28 where Job is talking about how he would come before God. Somewhere in the middle, he says that hypocrite has no place before God. Ouch. The last verse talks about the fear of the Lord being wisdom and that departing from evil is understanding.

I then turned to Psalm 25-26 and read that 'the secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him.'

On to Proverbs 2 where the fear of the Lord brings wisdom.

It all started tying together.

So often we pray for wisdom and understanding. We will ask God to give us discernment and guidance. Here it is, in black and white. God's plan- the source of our wisdom, understanding, discernment and guidance is to fear God. When I am searching for a topic for an upcoming speaking event, my first step is not an outline or research. My first step is to fear God, to remember that I live and breathe only because He allows me to intake oxygen. To remember that I write because He has gifted me, not for my own glory, but for His and He is jealous of that glory. That is what it means to fear Him, and He is a God worth fearing.

Read on to Jeremiah (I did not write down the chapter). God is dealing (again) with the nation of Israel. Talk about a group of rebels! He discusses how He does not take sin lightly and is not at all happy with what they are doing and that He will be sending wrath, and lots of it, on them and their enemies. It awakened the realization that my God is not just a God of mercy. Is He a God of mercy? Yes. However, He is a jealous and holy God. He wants me to have fellowship with Him and only with Him. He wants my entire heart. He wants my entire life and, if history bears any likeness, will go to great lengths to bring me to Him.

Prayer this morning was bittersweet. Bitter because of the mud and filth that had to be cleaned out of heart and mind. Sweet because there was a restoration of fellowship, even if it was slight. There is a scar, a reminder that this is not a wise path to take, and Lord willing, I will not take it again. The Facebook was deactivated this morning. I probably will not sit in front of my computer for a while. It is a media vacation of sorts. I am finishing up an editorial project for the 10th Anniversary Edition of "An Anchor for the Soul" by Ray Pritchard. It is a beautiful 'Wal-Mart English' read about the Gospel.

That is as far as my media goes. My speeches will be hand-written. This is a time to sit and relish in the God who made me, loves me and desires to be with me. This is a time to restore a fellowship that has been broken and to bring healing where healing is needed. A time to learn what it means to truly fear the Lord.

They were first called "Christians"...

2009-10-22T07:14:00.003-04:00

Drive time=think time for me, it always has. Some of the deepest moments of my spiritual walk have been behind the wheel of a car, actually. There is something about being completely alone that does it for me. I can actually talk out loud with God. If I did that in my house, my family would first off, be eavesdropping. Secondly, they would think I am crazy. I really look forward to my time behind the wheel as a time of reflection and prayer.

Yesterday, as I drove to school, for some reason, I was thinking of Christianity. Recently, I have been working with a ministry that is predominantly Catholic. Mind you, I am not Catholic and do not intend to convert to Catholicism. In fact, I have been dubbed 'the Protestant' by their founder. The fact is, this Catholic ministry is doing more than any 'Protestant' ministry has done. Why is that?

As I thought of it yesterday morning, I became frustrated. It is a point that I have been thinking over lately, that maybe we are too busy being religious to be Godly. News flash to all: they are not the same.

It dawned on me yesterday morning that "Christian" has become a very bad, broad, label. Yet, we still use it. We have "Christian" Contemporary Music. We have "Christian" Schools. "Christian" dating sites. "Christian" this. "Christian" that.

In Ohio, one of the preachers would always say, "If you have to walk around telling everyone that you are in charge, then you aren't in charge." In other words, if you are what you say you are, people will know and you won't have to say anything.

Such it is with the term "Christian." Do you realize that the first believers did not use that name? Do you realize that the world gave them that name? It means "Christ-followers" or "Christ imitators." The world, at that time, had seen Christ, so they would know what a Christ follower would look like. Hence, the coinage of the term.

However, it has now come to mean anything from right-wind extremists to anti-government. Now, I know Jesus was not loved and He told us that we would not be accepted because He wasn't accepted, but would someone like to tell me why we are instigating this problem? Did Jesus instigate? No. He didn't. Did Jesus walk up to people, smack them upside the head and say, "You better listen to me, because I am God"? No! Jesus loved them. He reached out to them. He fellowshiped with sinners, and THAT is why people hated Him. Too often now the church is all about hating sinners, which would be why the world hates us.

My thoughts were capitalized last night when author Ted Dekker posted a similar line of thinking on his Facebook page.

According to a Barna Group poll, only 9% of those outside the church think Christians in America are nice, loving people. Whatever happened to ‘you shall know them by their love?’ Throughout most of the world Christianity is simply no longer associated with the core beliefs of sacrificial love that birthed our faith. It has become like a large vessel of dirty bathwater, full of nasty associations that fly in the face of Jesus’ teaching which centered on love and the cry that ‘we judge not lest we be judged.’ A Newsweek cover story cited the dramatic decline of Christianity in the United States. We live in a post Christian world, many would say. They might be right. And who’s to blame them? No one wants to swim around in dirty bathwater.

But wait a minute. There is more than dirty bathwater in this vessel. There is something precious and live-giving! And there is a rising generation of thinkers who are as eager to protect and cherish that life as they are to throw out the dirty bathwater.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, we say.

His cry was to get back to what it means to follow Christ and forget all of the hoopla and drammada of religion. We cling so tightly to the label "Christian" and it no longer means what we think it means. We spend so much effort and energy defending our stand and faith that we look more like Pharisees than followers of Christ. It's ridiculous really. So, I think I am actually going to drop the whole label of "Christian." I am not a Christian, I am a follower of Christ. Sadly, yes, there is a difference.

Only Pulse

2009-10-16T09:57:00.003-04:00

Recently, the youth group at my church just started a study in Daniel. At the first meeting, they discussed the passage where Daniel asks for pulse to eat and not the king's meat. After ten days, Daniel and his friends looked better than any of the other captives of Babylon. It sounds like a great story, some huge miracle, doesn't it? In an age of high-protein, low carb zap a snacks, we cannot imagine that a diet of vegetables could make us look better.

But the Bible scores again!

Yesterday, as I readied for school, I flipped on the TV, which is highly uncharacteristic for me. I don't really watch it much anymore. I turned to a show on the health channel (my personal favorite) and saw an interview with a holistic doctor.

I hate the medical field in general, which is ironic since I once wanted to be a physician. I do not take medicines unless extremely necessary and even then, I only take half of the recommended minimum dose. I have never received a flu vaccine and will never take one on my own will.

Needless to say, I was remarkably intrigued when this physician recommended juice fasting to a cancer patient. For months, all she ate was vegetables and she drank water. After six months, she was cancer free.

So, I decided to do a little research. Turns out Daniel and his friends were on to something. Juice fasting is a highly recommended detoxification procedure, used to cleanse the body of impurities. The deprivation of calories begins the process of the body eating itself. However, different from starvation, supplying the body with flesh, natural nutrients helps the body restore itself, so it just eats the bad stuff, like fat, and cancer.

Some benefits of juice fasting are listed as being renewed energy, increased alertness, cleared up acne and a 'glowing countenance.' Sound familiar?

I think I may just have to try it. This one is not about weight loss as much as it is about improved health. Lately, I have been subjected to frequent colds and congestion as well as allergies. All are conditions which 'qualify' for juice fasting. Some of our teens decided to go on a 10 day vegetable fast, but I might kick it up a notch right before the holiday (and psycho not-good-for-you-baking) season starts.

I thought all of that last night, and then this morning, my boss just handed me a juicer. She does not use it anymore, and just wanted to give it away. Too cool!

An Example Through Leadership

2009-10-13T13:52:00.002-04:00

For the past hour or so, a thought has been tumbling in my head. This concept of leading by example. How can that apply? Some people are the example first and then lead. For instance, I would be a bad person to lead discussion on a good marriage since I am not married. It's kinda the same reasoning behind why non-parents should not write a book on parenting. They have no clue what they are talking about. There is no example to follow.

However, what about situations where the example is the leading?

I've been tormented lately by this thought of starting a ministry to teenage girls, teaching them to be recklessly abandoned to Christ. Well, in my life that abandon is not huge. I have not forsaken all and flown to Africa to see what God would do with me. Nope. I live a relatively cushy life. I have never felt called to missions. Would I go? Absolutely! I would do it in a heartbeat, but if I bought a one way ticket to Africa, God would not bless. I would not be being obedient.

That being said, I haven't figured out how to reconcile this passion for ministry with this need to have experience. That is until these last few minutes as I have thought through some Biblical leadership. Think of Moses. Moses was free. He was called by God to lead Israel out of Egypt. Had he traveled the road before? No. He was called to lead and his example of faith was found when he stepped up and filled that role.

So, I am thinking. I am thinking of moving forward in a radical way by using the example of others in order to call young women to be reckless. Of using the stories of women around the world who HAVE been there in order to take that story to the women who are afraid to go there. In that way, it is not about me and following my example but it is about God and sharing His passion.

The thought I am working through now is can I become an example of it through leadership or must I be an example first?

Who said growing up was easy??

A Radical Faith

2009-10-11T21:10:00.002-04:00

It is not often that God grips my heart so strong and impresses something on me so much that I can literally feel my stomach twist. Right now it is twisted so much that I might throw up and I do not know if it is the fear, the excitement or the 'Are you kidding me?!' shock I am in at the moment.

I spent the past four days in Ohio. Doing absolutely nothing. Correction: I was writing. As I sat on my grandmother's living room couch Thursday I thought of how flexible my current ministry is and how boring it is. Surely there has to be something more than this. That was the thought in my head all weekend. There has to be something more.

I have had many friends tell me I am blessed because my ministry is so portable. Right now, my ministry is so easily auto-piloted. The hardest thing was starting it. Now, God is taking it and working with it, and I am just letting Him. It is His ministry, not mine. Despite His working with that, I still felt like so much was lacking.

Thursday night, I looked over the study for my small group. I was ashamed. If you had asked me if I have a shallow faith, I would have told you no. Now, is it as deep as it could be? No, but I did not think it was shallow. Until I got to question 1 on the application. Then, I realized that I know a lot of Bible and can even do a lot of Bible but I am not connecting the two well. I can apply certain parts of Scripture, but the challenge of the study was to apply Scripture- period. I had to put it down for another time when I had time for it.

Thursday or Friday God had sufficiently planted enough disatisfaction with the current state of my life that I was chomping at the bit to do something about it. I started thinking about starting Reckless this coming summer, but after my little bout with the small group study I seriously doubted my ability to start a discipleship ministry. Besides, how reckless is it if all that is reckless is establishing a ministry about being reckless. (Did that make sense?) If I did that, I would be making myself big and that is not how it is supposed to work.

Then, and this is what I love about God, He used completely random circumstances to rattle the last bit of my sanity. I went and visited my friend, Katy, on Saturday. We spent an hour or so sitting in her dorm room and I noticed a book on her bed. I grabbed it and flipped it open to a random page and this is what the author wrote, "I looked at my husband and blurted out, There has to be something more to the Christian life." I skimmed through the chapter quickly as the authors reflected on "big" Christians from the past.

Their conclusion was that, at some point, ministry stopped becoming about them. That they surrendered their lives entirely for the life God wanted for them, the life He would empower them to live. I looked at Katy and said, "I have to get this book."

The entire drive home Saturday and the evening were spent mulling over what needed to change. What exchange am I not making. What is next because, there is, indeed, a next. There is a big next that I am missing and, honestly, I do not think it has anything to do with a book. If the books work, that's great! But, they are portable. A writing ministry is portable. I could write books from a jungle in Kenya if I wanted to. Writing is too small to live for. There has to be more.

For that matter, a ministry is too small a thing to live for. What if God calls me to something small? Would I be ok with that?

It occurred to me that I am not dependent enough on God to be OK with that. He still is not everything He should be to me. Not even close. It has to be a big deal or no deal at all for me. Still, I do stuff. I do lots of stuff.

God does not want our stuff.

You would think I would learn that.

This morning, as I attended services at my old church in Ohio, it hit me that I really miss the on fire Christian fellowship. I miss the atmosphere of Bible school and I was hoping to find it in my small group, but haven't. So, in the middle of the sermon, I was tallying up numbers to figure out when I could move back to Ohio and plug into the ministries there at the church. I was calculating mortgage payments and everything. It was dissatisfaction to the extreme.

Then, it was as if God said, "No. I don't want you to come back here."

"Well, God, I cannot exactly stay where I am. It isn't working."

"True."

"So...?"

"So. What next?"

"That's kinda the question I had for you. What is next?"

"Do you trust Me?"

"Of course."

"Enough to cash in on a dream you had years ago?"

"Umm... sure."

"Ok. Let's go."

"Go?? Go where?"

"You'll see."

Years ago, we are talking maybe three or four, I longed for a day when I could literally say, "Ok, God, I am all Yours. No strings attached." I wanted to have all of my loans paid off from school and a good setup in savings, ready to go out into the world. I wanted to be at the point in life and in my faith when I could truly be Reckless and just step out in faith and walk the water.

For the past few months, I have been telling friends about next summer. "Everything seems to be lining up for summer 2010. I will be totally free by then. I will be 24. I think God is going to do something big." I was pretty fixed on it being marriage. That obviously is not happening. But I realized this weekend, that, instead, that is the time I have been waiting for! The moment I have been waiting for is nearing. The moment when I can cut all ties and say, "Ok, God. No loans. No job. No family ties. It's just You and me. Let's do this."

Now that I see it, it is freaking me out. More than that, an old old old old old old dream (like before wanting to be a doctor dream) is being reborn and I find myself thinking, "Where on earth did that come from??" I am excited and apprehensive. I'm trying to stifle my logic, because my logic wants to wait another year.

Still, I am taking step one tonight. I am asking to come out on the water, and if God says yes, I am going to go. I am going to trust Him to get me through. I can't help but feel like this is crazy! Because it is. But that's the thing with faith. Faith, in its truest form, is reckless. People do not offer their sons for sacrifices or step onto a raging sea because it makes sense.

This, for the moment, is my anthem.

Great Adventure, by Steven Curtis Chapman

Started out this morning in the usual way. Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today. Another time around the circle try to make it better than the last.

I opened up the Bible and I read about me. Said I'd been a prisoner and God's grace had set me free, and somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt. I saw a big frontier in front of me and I heard somebody say "let's go"!

Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace. Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure.

Come on get ready for the ride of your life. Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind and discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored.
This is what we were created for.

This is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see. The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams.

Lessons From a Watermelon

2009-09-23T16:27:00.000-04:00

In one of my ministry groups, we are discussing the fruit of the Spirit. Last night, someone brought up the idea of God needing to prune us to make us more effective. The exact context was talking about things that harm us or our testimony. The application was that God needs to cut off what isn’t useful. That’s great… for a tree.

Not every fruit-bearing plant is a tree. Some things are vines.

My mom and I tried (unsuccessfully) to grow watermelon in our garden last year. Watermelons grow on a vine, and let me tell you, the vine was crazy. It found its way all over our back porch. It was climbing up our fence and strangling our tomatoes. After about three weeks of wild growth, we decided to trim it back. There was a slight problem. It was all one vine. It was not many branches of one vine, it was one vine. One wrong cut would kill the plant. So, we had to unravel it. We found it to be well over ten feet long. The poor thing was so busy growing and reaching that it couldn’t produce fruit. The nutrients were spread too far. They were spread over too much ground space. If we did have any watermelons, they would be too far from the roots.

Sometimes, God has to prune back healthy, vibrant life in order to ensure an abundant fruitful life.

At the moment, I am like that watermelon vine. I have myself spread too far. I’m not involved in bad things. I’m not involved in a variety of ministries. I have one vine. One vine that has just become so long that I can’t keep up with it. I can’t bring forth abundant fruit when I am trying to pump energy through 10 feet of vinework.

That hurts.

This is not the first time I have had to trim back. I have to cut off things I love. Ministries that are healthy and God-honoring, in order to make sure that I am at my top level of performance in the ministries that are closest to my roots.

But God is the Divine Husbandman. I have to trust Him. Just like that watermelon plant, if I am left to myself, I will keep spreading, looking for coverage instead of productivity. When the first frost in my life comes, I will be tilled under and marked as fruitless. I don’t want that. Neither does God.

Fortune Cookie Faith

2009-09-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

I received a text from a friend the other day. It had something to do with seeking the will of God for our lives. Anyone who knows me knows I am all for a good, deep spiritual discussion, even debate. Anytime! Seriously. If things are veering toward the spiritual, everything else goes on hold. But then there are times, times like the other day, when ‘deep’ went no further than the wading pool at the local park. We weren’t even in the shallow end! Our toes barely went under water. Those days frustrate me.

The Bible is our truth, is it not? Are we not called to consume it like meat and milk?

Then why on earth are Christians settling for regurgitated leftovers? I have never seen a person walk up to a cafeteria line and, when faced with the choice of mac and cheese or meatloaf say, “Well, I really don’t want either. I just can’t stand the work to chew them. Would you mind taking a mouthful of each and chewing them up for me? Maybe mix a little bit of the fruit salad in there too, just so I can have a balanced diet. Chew it up real good and then put it on my plate. I won’t even need a fork or a spoon; I’ll just get a straw.”

That kind of stuff doesn’t happen!! You do not do that when you are getting your physical food, so why depend on someone else to chew up your spiritual food? It makes no sense, but we are still doing it!

Instead of delving into God’s word and searching through the depths of His grace for ourselves, we crack open the nearest inspirational living book and make it the new Bible. As a soon-to-be author, this fact scares me because, trust me, none of us consider ourselves God. Not a one of us. Can we be inspirational? Sure. Greeting cards can be inspirational, but only the Bible is inspired.

The great thing about the depths of God is that we all bring something to the table when we discuss it. Just like with food, there are different contrasts and dimensions to flavor that one of us might taste while another is totally oblivious. In this is the beauty of Christian fellowship. It is like a group of friends, sitting down in a restaraunt, each ordering something different, then sampling each other’s food. No one expects their friend to chew up a bite and then spit it out for them to try. That is unheard of.

The Christian life is something we discover on our own. God has shaped us with individual personalities, talents, and desires- “tastes” if you will- that make our walk with Christ uniquely ours. It cannot be matched by anyone else. It is meant to be consumed in whole by us as individuals, not blended and mass distributed.

I often accuse people of having a ‘fortune cookie faith.’ Those people are the ones who have read way too many books on Christian living and have one too many “cute Christian quote of the day’ calendars. Know someone like that? You give them a call, share your burden and they spit out some mindless modern-day Hagaddah that you have to sort through and apply. Some cliche lame answer that, while it is true, has no depth at all. Just like fortune cookies!

Situation: “My husband just lost his job. We don’t really know what to do. It’s hard. It’s so hard to trust.”

Fortune cookie reads: “God will take care of you.”

Situation: “We just lost our son. He was so young. We don’t understand.”

Fortune cookie reads: “God is in control.”

Situation: “I am trying to find the will of God in my life. I am just praying and don’t know.”

Fortune Cookie: “God does not call the equipped, He equips the called.”

They are cute sayings. Little spiritual crumbs that have fallen from someone else’s meal and we treat them like they are never-ending vats of oil and flour. They are cute sayings, and that is as far as they go- sayings. Is there truth in them? yes. Are they the Truth? Absolutely not.

If you think that those people don’t already know that God is in control, you probably have another guess coming. A friend of mine just experienced a heart-breaking situation and all of the Christian Neosporin in the world just stung more. Brainless quotes like, “Well, God knows” or “God has a reason” or “It must not have been God’s will” do not help a hurting heart.

A fortune cookie faith is not effective. Basing your walk with God on the crumbs of others will lead you to a very bland, and unhealthy life with Christ. You will play like a broken record and be shallow until the day you die if you don’t learn how to communicate the truth for yourself. If you don’t want to dig into the Word to find answers, if you don’t want to pray about how to handle a situation before you open your mouth, then get off the court and zip it. Leave the field open for the people who have teeth.

I will Walk On

2009-09-11T16:21:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love when I stumble across a song that speaks right to what God has been teaching me. Music can be such a tool in our lives. It gets that hook in our head and, if it is Godly, that hook can affirm truths in ways no other thing can.

Today, just moments ago, I came across “Walk On” by 4Him. The chorus is simple but anthemic and motivating.

“I chose to take this road called faith. I will walk on. I trust that You will lead me through. I will walk on.”

The whole concept of a determined faith is something that God has been establishing over the past months. The idea that my faith is a choice. It is a determination and in every moment of every day it is a choice I make.

Scripture says I cannot serve two masters. Over and over Christ tells us to take up our cross and follow. He isn’t throwing our cross at us. It is a determined will and choice to take up a cross. No man wakes up one morning and wonders how this burden has landed on his shoulder, he knows he has chosen this because the prize in the end is worth it all.

That is faith.

Faith is stopping on the easy road, turning and seeing a rugged cross lying there in the dirt. It is looking up and seeing a cloud of dust and in that cloud is a figure, Christ bearing His cross. It is seeing Him turning, looking over His shoulder, and saying simply, “Follow me.” Faith is that decision, to turn to our right and wave the world goodbye, to kneel down, grasp that cross, place the crux on our shoulder, straighten up as much as we can under its weight, fix our eyes on Christ, and move. At any moment, we can drop that cross if we would like, but through the sweat and the tears, even the blood, we press on, because Christ did the same for us.

That is faith.

“The course is set. Life’s hard but yet, we will walk on. Around each bend, until the end, we will walk on.”

Promote with Enthusiasm

2009-08-26T23:11:00.003-04:00

I had an amazing meeting with fellow youth leaders tonight. We just finished a killer summer 'roadtrip' theme and are preparing for a packed season ahead. These next two weeks are devoted to planning that season. Getting nearly 20 grown (opinionated) adults to work together takes Divine intervention, so I praise the Lord for the men and women who I am privileged to work beside.

Tonight was an encouraging challenge though (and those are the best kind). The crux of it all:

Are we as excited as we want the kids to think we are?

Pastor Doug (the youth pastor) mentioned multiple times about how the teenagers look up to leadership. That the presence and enthusiasm of leadership is a key motivator in the teens. They will begin to view important what we view important.

When someone looks at me, what do they learn?
As I teacher, and a former student, I know it to be true that teenagers catch excitement easily (unless you are cheesy, in which case you are quickly ignored). If you are genuinely excited about something, genuinely sold out, it becomes easier for them to understand because they want to. When I teach math, I try to make it fun. Now, there is a certain element to math that is academic, but I try to be creative. I have taken classes outside and done sidewalk chalk math problems before just to try and keep them involved.

I love math. I get it, and I want other people to get it. I'm not just "a teacher", I am privileged to teach. It is not a job for me, it is ministry, it is actually fun. There is no greater joy for me than to witness a lightbulb moment or to watch a student score an A on a test. I love that. LOVE it!!

Am I as passionate about my faith as I am about my math class?

I should be. I would like to think that I am, but I know there is still room for growth. I think I am one of the privileged few who wake up every morning and get to do something they love. I don't get to teach; I get to work with teenagers. They are my thing. My passion. If the world eliminated all teenagers, I would be highly upset and very lost. I love that six mornings every week my feet hit that floor with the assurance that I will be interacting with youth that day. That is what gets me up in the morning (it isn't the math).

We should be excited about God. Excited about serving Him and looking for those lightbulb moments. I should be just as excited when a girl faces a trial of faith. That is the crux of discipleship. I catch so on fire for God that someone else can't help but burn for Him. That is the idea.

What do you burn for?

This is the Life

2009-08-19T12:10:00.002-04:00

No, literally, it is.

What happened, Jessica? Did you win the lottery? No. Did you get a boyfriend? No. Did you find five dollars in your jeans? I wish.

So what happened?

I guess it would be more something that is "happening." I am getting confirmation and not from people but from God. He is somehow showing me that all the ideas I have been bouncing around in my brain are viable and true ideas. A friend of mine was chatting with me last week and we somehow got on the topic of dreams and I told her I have big ones. She kinda laughed and asked something to the effect of when would I ever have enough. My response was this: "I am a big dreamer; God made me that way. So I dream big. When God blows those dreams out of the water, what choice do I have but to dream bigger?" And that is the truth!

Why would I stop? Why would I put God in a box when He has proven over and over again that He will not be put in one?

This morning, as I prayed, I had a session of praise, just thanking God for giving me such clear direction in life. I never said the way was easy. It has not been, it is not, nor will it ever be. But I know He is guiding me and He is making the steps very clear in His time.

This morning, I listened to part 2 of my podcast interview on Covenant Eyes. I sent an email to the producer just chatting about the podcast and the editing and such. Throughout that, I was introduced to yet another young woman, a teenager, struggling with pornography. My heart instantly broke for her. One of the questions asked in the interview was if we felt alone in our struggle. I thought I was alone, in hindsight, I really wish I was. I hate to think of the pain and emptiness those other women are feeling, and wish I had a little barcode scanner thing. I would just walk around and be able to tell who needed help. That burden, that brokenness was confirmation for me that yes, this is something I need to be doing right now.

But there's more. Is there allowed to be more?

Earlier this month, on Facebook (I have way too many blog things) I talked about how God was molding my life. How He was changing my desires and my emphasis on ministry. In that post (which is way too long to repost here)I talked about the hurt we see around us and how we need to reach out to help heal that hurt.

I decided to start throwing myself out of my comfort zone. There needs to be a label on the first step though. It's a doozy, and you should know, God never stops with the first step.

Every Monday and Tuesday, as I drive to babysitting, I pass by a little old lady on a street corner just a mile or so from home. She is there without fail, with her little cardboard sign, gnarled hair and toothless smile. I've given a dollar or two a couple times just to stave my conscience. I decided to do something else. Something bigger. I decided to actually treat her like she is a human.

See, she is a human. She was created for a purpose, just as much as I was. She has a story. A story only God knows. I don't know how she ended up on a street corner, but I know that many times, were it not for the grace of God, my family would have been on the street as well. It speaks nothing to her as a person, but it does speak to her heart. She is someone God loves. Someone God longs to be with. As someone who is supposed to be modeling Christ's love, I am commanded to see her as God would see her. Beautiful. Precious. Worthy.

This morning, as I prayed, I prayed for that little lady on the street corner. She hasn't been there for the past two weeks and I do not know why. I began to wonder if I was wrong, if I had gone off-focus. Then, through the same conversation with the producer, I stumbled across a blog of thoughts for the day. The thought posted today (which is actually for August 17) is this:

I was asked “if Jesus was here now where would he go to church?” I think he wouldn’t. I think the church would go to him. And if the church would go to Christ if he were here, and Christ said he was the least of these, maybe we know where the church should be.

Wow. All of the thoughts from my rambling Facebook note condensed into a mini-paragraph. I have to work on my writing!

My life feels like it is beginning to meld into the lives of others, which is weird. I feel like my passions are starting to find roots in the passions of others. It is an amazing phenomenon, but really indescribable. How amazing is it that God would give me this passion for purity, then connect me with a group of authors and singers with the same passion. How amazing is it that God would give me a heart for the hurting and then bring to light others with the same heart? How amazing is it that God would give me a desire to help people live livesof reckless abandon and then use mainstream people of influence to pave the way for that?

This is how the body of Christ is meant to work. This, my friends, is THE life.

The One Class I Failed

2009-08-13T16:56:00.002-04:00

All throughout high school, I got As. Straight-As. I prided myself in rarely getting a B, and never being seen with a C. D and F were absolutely unheard of until college. College has a way of kicking smart people in the butt. I have found that to be oddly common and it confuses me, but it is true. It was in college, more specifically Bible school, that I failed a class for the first and only time. It was a class on prayer.

Yes, I failed, as in solid "F" a class on prayer. There is a life lesson in that alone, the fact that obviously I was passing all other classes in my strength, but the one on prayer, I just couldn't wrap my hands around it. So much has changed in the past three years.

I just finished chatting with a friend about prayer. It is a subject that has been on my mind and on the mind of other Christian authors as of late. Leslie Ludy shares a story on her blog from the birth of her most recent child, Avonlea Rose. After a horrific experience with their first child, Eric and Leslie prayed that this birth would be different, and it was. Leslie recounts that even while in labor, she and her husband would pray fervently. At one point, just before the transition stage, Leslie knew her strength was failing her. This had been the hardest stage with Hudson, and she did not want to go through it ok. So she prayed, she prayed specifically that God would work in her body and bring their new baby into the world without having to have the transition phase. According to Leslie, minutes later Avonlea made her arrival. Coincidentally, Eric and Leslie just finished a book on prayer. I don't believe it is on shelves yet, but after following what God has been doing in their lives, I can assure you, it will be good.

For the past six months, God has been teaching me about prayer. Since, obviously, I couldn't get it when a professor tried, God has given me a remidial class and has driven me into a deeper, bolder prayer life with Him. I could tell you the date. Well close. This class began on February 27. As I prayed, I felt a strong impression to ask God for a publisher for my book. It seemed foolish to me. Of course I need a publisher. Of course I want a publisher, but I didn't even have a book. To me and my human logic, there was no point in asking for a publisher. The next day, guess what He gave me.

I had not asked, but He had given. When I prayed after that, I realized the faithfulness of God. He gave me a desire of my heart and was faithful to provide that which I did not have enough faith to ask for. It would be the same if Peter had just thought, "Man! I wish I could do that!" and God teleported him out onto the water. God was giving me a taste. A small taste of the power of prayer. Since then, I have learned much.

Prayer needs to be bold. I guess I equate boldness with honesty. I get highly annoyed when people tiptoe around an issue. It drives me crazy. It takes all of God's grace for me to not throttle them and say, "Would you just tell me!" Yet, I do it to God so often. I pull the whole, "God, you know the desires of my heart so if you could please just give them to me, that'd be great." I wonder if God's response isn't, "Yes, I do know them. Humor Me, though, just this once and actually ask for them."

Unlike humans, God doesn't get offended when we ask for something. At least, I don't believe He does. He longs to bless us. He wants to give us abundant lives. He says in the Gospels that we have not because we ask not. So prayer is bold...

and specific. Beating around the bush drives me crazy. So does vagueness. Do not expect me to understand what you mean when you do not tell me what you mean. It is really an interesting concept, and it kinda ties in with boldness. Since June, I have been praying for a certain couple I know to get pregnant. I know they are wanting to, so it is not as if I am praying spite on them. More than that, based on the circumstances, I have prayed that God would give them twins. Specific prayer.

I finished reading the Kings last week, and there is an account of Elisha (or Elijah, can't remember) working with a widow. She is in debt and is afraid for her family, so the prophet tells her to gather jars and fill them with oil. If my memory is serving correctly, she had to lock the door. As she filled the jars, the oil didn't stop coming! Until she reached the last jar. She looked up for the next jar and there weren't anymore, and the oil stopped.

We really need to be expecting God to do big things. He is God, is He not? He is able. So, why are we so afraid to ask? Ask for specific things. I have one dream in this world that I have shared with one other person and I have begun to pray for that one dream to come true, and have, in that prayer, explained to God why I want that dream to come true. That may sound selfish, but it is not. I think God wants prayers like that more than prayers of "God please bless me today."

How would you like that blessing? Rare or well done?

Prayers need to be willing. We have to be willing to accept a change in our plans. We have to leave room for the will of God. Our prayers are not "God give me this or else." They are "God, I really desire this and I am asking You to make it happen and in the meantime give me the contentment to live without it." That is true, powerful prayer.

Trying to Figure out Tomorrow

2009-08-09T14:51:00.002-04:00

I have learned lately that it does no good to try to understand exactly what God is doing in our lives. We will, without fail, get it wrong.

This morning, I taught on Genesis and all of the beginnings of Genesis. As inhabitants of the 21st century, we are blessed. We have the whole story, but Genesis is full of beginnings, and just that, beginnings. Genesis is full of promises, some of which have yet to be fulfilled, others which were fulfilled millenia ago, but long long after they were promised. I think specifically of the promise of a Messiah.

This promise is first mentioned in Genesis chapter 3. What we have to realize is Genesis chapter 3 occurred shortly after creation. If we say that the earth is 6,000 years old, then this promise of a Messiah is 6,000 years old. That means that it would be 4,000 years before the promise was realized. That is twice as long as we have lived after it. That blows my mind. The people of the faith waited for 4,000 years. For what, exactly, they were not sure but they were waiting, trusting God to fulfill His promise to them. When He did, it still caught them by surprise.

You just cannot figure out tomorrow. It cannot be done. But I love to try. I like to try and put together all of the pieces to the puzzle without having the picture. It seems to be my nature to fret and to worry.

Stuff has happened recently that can tend to be very distracting. It is nothing at this point, but being who I am, my mind races ahead to what might happen, what could happen, and I try to prepare myself for it. Problem being, it is conflicting with my now. Right now, I am called to have a ministry. A ministry which God is blessing immensely. I am not called to make a life-changing decision right now, as much as my brain wants to figure out the answer now. God gave confirmation in that twice already today- once with my Sunday School class and again with an email from Auckland, New Zealand. New Zealand.

God works in mysterious ways. Both confirmed that my ministry has the right focus and that now is the right time. I need not worry about where this current situation may possibly might lead to and how these ministries will work there. I am not there.

God promises to guide our steps. He doesn't promise to sign off on a route and send us on our way. He walks with us. Which means the step we take tomorrow will be guided tomorrow, not today. It is tomorrow's step. If I focus on it today, I am going to trip and fall. But if I worry about today's steps today, then He will give me direction for tomorrow's steps tomorrow. I cannot make a wrong move if I am walking with Him.

To Be One: A Review

2009-07-31T19:54:00.003-04:00

I have to say, sometimes God's timing is just so cool. Too cool.

These past few days, I have really been trying to focus on what is next for me. Life is not easy being nearly 24 and nowhere near where you thought you would be five years ago. There have been struggles-- many. There have been emotions like a roller coaster-- excitement, then paralyzing fear. So many decisions lie before me, and I just know that I can't make them all.

God always shows up at the perfect time.

I did my podcast interview yesterday- issue 1: resolved.

I worked on my website today (speaking of which, I still have work today)- issue 2: nearing resolved status.

I attempted to write a book proposal while babysitting- issue 3: postponed.

I am really struggling with this whole marriage idea-- enter "To Be One."

Circumstances lately have flung the concept of marriage to the front of my mind, which is not where I prefer it to be. In fact, I have a ministry based on the idea of it not being there. Nevertheless, it is there, with its usual baggage of unanswered questions, freakouts and what-ifs. Mark this down as a moment that has truly shaped my perspective on relationships leading to marriage.

To Be One: The Review

"To Be One" in my opinion is a must-have video for any family with teenagers or single young adults that wants to see God honored in their childrens interactions with people. Three very unique love stories are covered in this video, and covered completely from start to "finish", including interviews with the six sets of parents. "To Be One" presents beautifully the idea of marriage modeling the love of Christ for the church. I just cannot get over the excitement it created for me just realizing I am the bride of Christ!

It is unique. It is fresh. It is real. It is personal. There is no acting. No props. These are real bonafide human beings with real hurt and apprehension, with real faith and real love. It is so refreshing to see, and again, a must have for any youth ministry, single young adult ministry, parent, or single young adult. It is a message that, I think, if heard, will revolutionize marriage in America. Let it start with you. Visit their website: http://www.tobeonevideo.com and get your own copy now.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get...Gardening

2009-07-30T11:14:00.002-04:00

Yes, that's right. They don't go anywhere; the tough people garden.

Today is supposed to be a scorcher here in DC. An absolutely unbearable 90 degrees. At 8 this morning, the temperature was nowhere near 90 degrees. In fact, it was a gorgeous summer morning. Perfect really, maybe just a little on the muggy side. After a short walk to the mailbox, I got an itching to go into the back yard and play in the garden. My discovery was a terrible one. Our garden is very green. The problem is, the green things were weeds.

So, I donned gardening gloves and grabbed a rake and shovel and went to work. In the quiet of the morning, tearing away at thistles and grass, I had an interesting time of reflection on life. I thought of growing up with a farming grandfather. How blessed. He taught me the meaning of hard work. He taught me all I know about seeds, soil and harvest. Every year, I helped plant, prune, thin, debug, and eventually harvest. It made for some interesting childhood experiences, including a garden rake to the skull courtesy of my younger brother. (It was an accident).

To this day, grampa still keeps a garden in his yard. I visited it last week while I was in Ohio. I walked through the rows of corn, searched the kiwi bush for any fruit, picked some blackberries and some blueberries, looked over the cabbage and the broccoli, trudged through the squash hills and the tomato patch. Fond memories there. So much I learned, so much I am grateful for.

Today, though, as I tore up weeds and cleared out the debris from a summer harvest, I learned some more life lessons.

1) Weeds grow anywhere. It doesn't matter if your plants can't grow there, the weeds sure will. Our soil is rocky and full of clay, not exactly conducive to vegetables, but the weeds love it. I pulled one today that had a rock entangled in its roots.
In our lives, weeds work the same way, don't they? It doesn't matter if we can't function in an environment, weeds always seem to be able to withstand it. In fact, at times, they even embrace and thrive in an environment where we struggle to hang on.

2) Keep changing. This is good on so many levels. If you dig at the soil, first off, you introduce oxygen, which is good for plants. Second, if you harvest something, plant something different there. Grampa taught me that. If you plant corn in one part, corn won't grow as well there again. Farmers in Ohio will rotate their crop. One year, there is corn, the next soy, the next snap peas and then they go back to corn again.
We have to keep changing. Sometimes, that can be frustrating, but to everything there is a season. Our spiritual lives can go dry if our worship is always the same. If we read 5 Psalms everyday for a year, that's fine. But the next year, we will 'get less out of it.' Our spiritual growth will start to plateau. We will still grow, but we won't be as fruitful as if we had changed things up.
The same applies to our ministry. Things change. Weather changes. Climate changes. Our world changes. The things that worked 15 years ago, are going to be less effective now. It's time to switch it up.

3) You may not be able to change the location, but you can change the soil. As I said, our garden is in our back yard. The soil is full of rocks. Last year, when we first turned up the soil, it was solid red clay. Plants don't grow in red clay. But we really have no other option, we have certain spots for our garden. That's it. So, we bought a bag of Miracle Grow potting soil and worked it into the soil. Now, it can sustain vegetation (other than weeds).
We may be stuck in a place, by contract or by whatever else. If our location can't change, we need to change the soil. We need to work to effect change so that, even if we end up moving, something can still grow there. If you aren't growing there, chances are not many others are.

4) Adversity is good. No one likes 90 degree weather plus humidity. Except plants. Plants thrive in adversity. They need warmth, sun and water. Things we don't really care for. That thunderstorm may throw off your ball game, but the squash plant is elated. The blazing sun may make you melt, but the bean plant seed is perfectly cozy.
Or how bout them bugs? Who honestly likes worms? Or bees? No one I know of. We don't make pets of these things, but they are a plant's best friends. Worms are naturals for putting oxygen into soil. Bees pollenate the blossoms.
Situations in your life may not be comfortable. Embrace them. God brings trials for our good. He brings them to help us grow. He wants us to bring forth fruit. He wants us to be productive.

Next time the going gets tough, get gardening.

To Be One: A new Approach to Marriage

2009-07-22T12:25:00.003-04:00

It's a heated debate in some circles. Depending on who you ask there are different guidelines, different definitions, different opinions. Even with all of that, we still stand firmly on what we believe to be truth backed by human right. Many could probably not discern the exact difference between dating and courting, but they will still tell you they will never do one or the other.

Here's an idea. Let God lead. I really like that idea. The liking of that idea is exactly why I am still single, but it also is why I am content. It is out of my hands.

This is exactly the idea that is put forth in the new documentary To Be One. I will admit, this is a shameless plug, I know one of the young ladies in the film. After all that she has done in prayers for my ministry, I saw it fitting to return the favor for hers. Her story is told in the video. A story not of falling in love but of choosing to be love. I know her story, and it is beautiful. It is inspiring, as all love stories are. But most of all, it is a story of surrender to God's leading, to God's control. It is the story of two lives with a heart-felt desire to do what would most honor and glorify God and a story of joy in that process.

Stop by the site, view the trailer, and, by all means, buy a copy of the DVD. After all, who doesn't love a good story?

Physical Boundaries: How Far is Too Far

2009-07-20T19:38:00.002-04:00

I don't usually do this, but when a topic comes up three times in the same day, it leads me to believe it is something I am meant to address. This particular topic: the area of physical touch. Guys and girls, especially teenage guys and girls are always asking. Always pushing the limit. Wanting to see how far they can go. Wanting to know how far is too far. What is the Biblical standard? Where is the line?

Fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a rough ride. Truth is not meant to be soft and cushy. Soft and cushy truth is a truth that is easily manipulated and avoided. Soft and cushy truth isn't truth at all, it is just soft and cushy. Truth has a back bone. Truth has a voice. Truth fights. Truth stands. There is a reason the Bible (Truth) is referred to as a sword, and a two-edged one at that. It gets you coming and going.

If there is one thing I am very passionate about, it is the sanctity of sex. I believe it is good; I believe it is God-given; I believe it is meant for the marriage relationship of one man to one wife. That is all truth, with Biblical basis.

So what's the deal with pushing the limits? Why all the gray areas? Because we are human and we want what we want and are not willing to accept the standard God has given us. That willingness is really all it comes down to. Are we willing to accept the boundaries God has given us? We like to put conditions on guidelines. We are constantly searching for loop holes. How can I bend this rule? How can I avoid this one?

It reminds of something that happened earlier today with one of the girls I babysit. She was hopping around on one leg. When I inquired, she informed me she had jumped off the shed in the backyard. Mind you, this shed is a solid eight feet tall and she is nowhere near half that height. What little idea made her think she could do it? Her brother. He informed her that she could jump off the top of the shed. She did. She got hurt.

Trying to seize a teachable moment I knelt down and asked her who was in charge, her mother or her brother. Her simple response was, "Well, mom wasn't outside then." I countered by saying, "But does your mom want you climbing things that are high up in the air?" Another clever counter-response: "But the wooden playset we had was higher." So, I tried yet again, "Did your mom give you permission to be on the shed?" The response: "Well, see, Miss Jessica, we were already up there and mom came out and told us to get down because we weren't allowed up there. At first I was going to do the right thing and go down the way we came up, but then he told me to jump, so I jumped." She is six, and is already half way through law school.

When it comes to God's standards, we do the same thing. Instead of doing what we know to be right, we are more worried about what exactly is wrong. Especially in the area of physical touch. It seems everyone wants to know how close they can get without crossing the line. In order to establish that, we need a line. That's when things get fuzzy. For one person, the line is at holding hands. For another it is at kissing. There are a lot of lines. To an extent, that's ok. I believe there is room for personal preference and conviction, but I do believe that there is a line for us to see and it is drawn way before the act of sexual intercourse.

In fact, picture yourself standing right next to God. Right next Him. Put a pencil in your hand reach down and draw a circle around you and God. Congratulations, you have found the line. For many of us, we are so far from God that the line is way out there. The further you are from God, the further out your line. In all reality though, the line should be right there. Right next to God. Why? Because God is holy, as is sex. They belong in the same bubble, and guess what. You belong there too.

This is the Scripture reference I site for a standard of physical contact: 1 Thessalonians 4:6 "That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter:..."

Before you all cry that I have taken the verse out of context, let me inform you that the context of sexual purity is exactly where this verse falls. Here is your context: 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8

Furthermore then we beseech you, brethren, and exhort you by the Lord Jesus, that as ye have received of us how ye ought to walk and to please God, so ye would abound more and more. For ye know what commandments we gave you by the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit.

So, let's set a new standard. Sex is holy. It is good, and get this, God wants us to have it, hence the reason for our sex drive. Do not equate pleasure with permission. This is a common problem. I hear it more than I care to admit.

"Jessica, I think we went too far, but it felt good. It wasn't bad. It was a 'special connection.'"

Let's break this down.

"I think we went too far" if you think that, then you are probably right. Guilt is normally a good indicator of wrongdoing.

"but it felt good" right again! It was made to feel good. It is supposed to feel good. If it didn't you wouldn't be here. However, just because it feels good does not mean it is right.

"It wasn't bad" partially true. It wasn't bad as in the opposite of good. It may not have 'felt' bad, but it was wrong.

"It was a 'special connection'" Right again. That is how our sexuality is designed. Regardless of whether or not you 'go all the way' every step you take toward a bed strengthens the 'connection' you have with each other. It's called hormones.

So, since our feelings are not to be trusted, we have a problem. We can no longer determine when we are in over our heads. We are no longer a good judge of how far is too far. Exactly why God makes His standard very clear.

He basically says, "I called you to be holy, so you need to control your body and use it the way I tell you to."

Our bodies are to be holy. Holy simply means set aside for a purpose. Holiness is a big deal to God. A HUGE deal. If you doubt that, read through the Pentateuch and look at the tabernacle and everything that had to be done to keep the tabernacle holy. Holiness is the crux of who God is. Holiness is the crux of our relationship with Him because if it were not for holiness, there would be no need for Calvary. Tell me, though, how can you be holy while you are snogging with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Can you be holy while snogging with your spouse? Absolutely. The marriage bed is honorable. I think God gets excited when married people snog. They are enjoying intimacy as He intended. Outside of that context, you are playing with fire, and I doubt that makes Him happy.

On top of all that, we are instructed to watch out for each other. That portion of verse 6 is my battle stand for modesty as well. Too many times I hear, "Well, I can wear whatever I want to, it's his problem if his mind wanders." Wrong. We, as Christians, should be making every attempt to protect the purity of each other. Now, does that mean we walk around in potato sacks? No! But that means you keep covered what you believe God would have you keep covered.

In the area of sexuality and physical touch it means you keep your hands off. It should be noted here, that anything that gets you turned on, or whatever you want to call it is messing your sex drive, no matter how you slice it. I've worked with teenagers who have 'gone too far' without going all the way. Usually to the young lady, it was just innocent. To the young man, it is so much more. So where is the line there? If kissing makes either mind wander, then you don't kiss. If you don't like that, too bad. You can make up for it, once you are married.

Honestly, my advice is to get that line as close to the holy of holies as possible. I tell people to draw it to protect the weakest area. Think of a fortress. A castle. There is a secret tunnel leading into the castle. Your castle is now under attack and you have reason to believe the secret tunnel has been compromised. What do you do?

Well, you board the doors to the tunnel shut. You then barracade them, just in case. Then you lock the door to the room where the tunnel is and barracade that one, maybe even set a trap. Then you position guards in the hallway just in case something gets through all of that.

The same it should be with purity. Your body is a castle. A temple. Something meant to be holy and you are under attack. The devil is well aware of a weakness. A way to snag you. He is after the core of who you are. He is after your sexuality. If he can get you to fall. If he can draw you out, he can take you down.

Too often, instead of bolting, locking and guarding, we run down the tunnel, just out of range of his darts and razz him. Eventually, we fall. I have seen it so many times.

In college, I had a friend who met the man of her dreams. Early on they just talked about sex. Then they started talking about it alot. They started laughing about it. Joking about it. Then, they started snuggling in the lounge. They started to listen to music with sexual undertones. Three years later, I received word of a horrible break up. I'll never forget the message she sent me:

"Jessica, what he didn't tell you is that he broke up with me the morning after he slept with me."

Christian girl. Christian guy. Christian college.

Yet another young lady sent me a story about how she and her boyfriend snuck off campus often. They would drive to a vacant field thinking "Now that we are off-campus the 'no touching rule' doesn't apply." In his truck, they would make out, at night. At first it was innocent. One night, it was no longer. She said it started out making out, then before she knew it she was just mere moments away from giving up her virginity. She came to her senses and called off the whole encounter. Fortunately, he had enough self control to honor her wishes and drive her back to campus, but she could have just as easily been raped.

Christian girl. Christian guy. Christian college.

Know your own weakness and build that boundary strong. You are not invincible. Protect your body. Draw a boundary that you know will stand. Draw it as close to God as possible and know that He will be honored by that, as will your future spouse. It isn't about what feels good. No one is going to tell you it doesn't feel good, but feeling good and honoring God can often be polar opposites.

The Open Door Church

2009-07-06T13:01:00.002-04:00

I am finishing up the first draft of my first-ever book. Two potential publishers are lined up and will be receiving a manuscript proposal soon. Honestly, this all has not happened the way I thought it would. Oddly enough, at times it seems perfect, just...slow. I like to run ahead of myself, so I have been thinking about what next. It's true, if this is a dream of mine, I need to sell out to it. Sold.

I've been thinking about what books to write next without distracting myself from finishing these. I don't know that it is possible. Two book dreams are on the drawing board, one more recent the other the oldest dream I have had. A book entitled "Unloved." A book intended to wake people up to the fact that, for Christians, there should be no unloved. But there are.

We are a closed door church. Ushers are bouncers, standing at the door and accepting those with the appropriate social status and skin color. It's a righteous weekend club, where we come and sit in air conditioning on soft cushioned pews in our pretty dresses and snazzy suits. It's like a country club, without the valets. Why have we stopped reaching out? Why have we categorized grace?

I spoke with a mother the other day about her chidren, three of which can be little rascals at times. She apologized for their stubborn will and admitted that they were hard for her to handle, that they had some chemical imbalance treatable by Omega-3s. After she finished, I looked at her and confessed that those three were the three I got along with best. That shocked her.

That's always how it has been for me. Maybe because, statistically, I was supposed to be one of those kids, I have always had a heart for the 'trouble children.' Give me your rebels, your disheartened, your broken, there is grace at the foot of the cross. It's the cocky, nosey children I don't tolerate well at all. I like to be able to function without having everything I do questionned, "Miss Jessica, why are you doing that? Why does that look that way? What is that for? Who are you talking to?" It takes every grain of grace in my body, and some I don't have, to keep from responding tartly, "None of your business kid."

I've always been drawn to the unloved. That kid sitting alone in the back of the classroom. That girl who struggles with her self-esteem. Kids who are labeled as retarded or problematic. I love those kids. You know, the ones no one else is supposed to love. During summer school, one girl in particular spent hours at my desk, nearly in tears because she couldn't understand math. For one of her English papers she wrote about how she got made fun of and her teachers had called her stupid and slow. A righteous anger burns up in me when teachers do that.

It's the same thing we do as a body of Christ. The moment someone steps across our threshold, we size them up, stare them down and determine whether or not they meet our standard. Newsflash: our standard doesn't matter.

I heard this song today, and wanted to share the lyrics. They are perfect and I am so grateful for Jonny and the impact he is making with his music.

He's been preached at a million times
so he can tell you what's wrong and right
but he still sits with a heart of stone
'cause condemnation is all he's known.

But what if we took a different route,
got to know him from the inside out,
showed him that we're all the same
and told him about amazing grace.

'Cause he needs love, he needs love,
lots of it before he'll ever open up.
He needs grace from God above,
but from us he needs love.

(she we they)

If she doesn't somehow catch an eye,
she'll sleep out in the cold tonight.
So she works the corner with fishnets on,
just blocks away from a house of God.

She claims she'll never go inside,
just doesn't think that it would feel right,
but what if we stepped out to her,
with love that she doesn't have to earn?

I bet the world would change if it knew love
well we know His name so it's up to us.
We gotta reach our hands to wash some feet
go another mile to find a need.

We gotta step off of our pedestals,
if we want a change that's radical.
If we're gonna serve the least of these,
then love is what we really need.

"They Need Love" by Jonny Diaz

When Messiah becomes the Kid Next Door

2009-06-28T14:04:00.003-04:00

Teaching a Sunday school class brings with it a grand amount of responsibility and the harsh realization that I still have so much more to learn. Taking truths of Scripture and applying it to the lives of teenage girls requires first that I find an application to my life. Sometimes that is the hardest part. In the end, it always turns out to be the best part.

This morning, I taught the lesson of Jesus' rejection at Nazareth. The text is found in Luke 4. Keep in mind that this is where Jesus grew up. Until this point, His ministry has been elsewhere. In this text, He has returned home, and He is famous.

Jesus was known throughout the land as a worker of miracles. He was a hot commodity. A public speaker, if you will. He would walk into synagogues and the people would listen. That is, until He reached Nazareth.

Jesus returns to Nazareth, and, in keeping with Jewish customs, visits the synagogue on the Sabbath Day to hear the Word. They did not have cute pocket PDA Scripture back then. Scripture was written on, 'huge clonking scrolls' (as I put it this morning). Having a copy of the Bible was not convenient not to mention not possible. With every page handwritten with care, these weren't in high supply in the times of the Old Testament. The synagogue would have a copy, and they would regard that copy very highly. So, people would go to the synagogue to hear the word read.

On this particular occasion, Jesus has been handed the scroll of Isaiah to read. Isaiah had to have been a huge scroll. It was not like the priest handed him a verse scribbled on notebook paper and said, "Here. Read this." He handed Jesus the scroll. In our Bibles, Isaiah has 66 chapters. The text Jesus read is from Isaiah 61. He didn't even start where it was convenient! He had a message for these people.

Luke 4:18

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.

If you look in Isaiah, you will see that Jesus has left out the end of this section of Isaiah. He has stopped in the middle and it has left the people waiting... they are waiting for the message... for the punch line... for the reason why He has stood up and spoken so little.

He goes on to announce that He is Messiah. They don't believe Him. You can almost hear the thoughts in their heads.

"You? Messiah? HA!! Yeah right! You couldn't be Messiah."
"What? Jesus... our Jesus is Messiah? The Promised One? But He grew up playing in the streets with my little Rebekah. He couldn't be Messiah!"

I could go on about how they wanted miracles to prove it and how He did none. I could go on about the prejudice of Jews to Gentiles. I could even discuss the rest of the prophecy in Isaiah, but what got me the most today was this.

Has He become so commonplace to me, that He means nothing? Has He become so 'simple' that He couldn't possibly be more than what I think He is? If He were to come out and say, "Listen, you need to fix this part of Your life" what would I say? Would I believe He has any right in my life or would I dismiss Him like any other person in my life?

Has Jesus just become the kid next door?

Retreating to the Sacred

2009-06-23T11:07:00.002-04:00

There are times in life when I can be a tad bit impulsive. I guess it is just the passion with which I live life. Last night I was online and suddenly got this grand idea to deactivate my Facebook. No particular reason, except maybe to show that I don't need it as much as I use it.

A couple of years ago I read a book by Eric Ludy entitled "Meet Mr. Smith." It subtitles itself as a book about sex, but it isn't. It is a book about life and how to live a life that honors God. The idea is that if our life honors God then our love life will be extraordinarily fulfilling. Love life aside, a chapter of the book emphasized sacredness.

Eric recounts his story by personifying human characteristics. In his book, Sacred is a person and Sacred has asked for his book. Sacred has asked to take his manuscript and walk away for a while and wants Eric to trust her. I remember that part spoke so vividly to me about what things in life are to be sacred.

Just yesterday I began reading in 1 Samuel and read the account of Hannah praying for, receiving, and dedicating Samuel. From conception, really, Samuel had been set apart for God's use. Being set apart for God's use means you will be used in God's time, in God's way and will allow yourself to be used as such. Sometimes it means allowing things to settle, to simmer, to wait. In Eric's case, with deadlines looming not far away, God asked him to put his book on hold for seven weeks in order to devote time to his family. Last night, I realized that Facebook has been pulling me away from what is sacred!

Facebook is not evil. I want to say that right now. When I have 500+ college classmates all in the marriage-babies stage, there is no way on this green earth that I would be able to keep track of all of them. It has been a great medium for communication and keeping up on their lives. But it has also been a leaky pipe when it comes to my ministry.

Writing, for me, comes as an impulse (told you I am impulsive). I could honestly be driving down the road, minding my own business, and BAM! thoughts come. It's like someone dumping a pile of marbles on a floor, they roll all over for bit, and then they settle. When they settle, I write. I may not even know what I am writing about, I just write. It allows me to sort through the pile of marbles, to admire them and place them carefully in a bag to be stored. Writing, really, is an energy for me more than an activity.

Facebook has been a medium for that energy. It is far easier and much more pleasant to write up a Facebook note when I am in the mood to write. I know people will be notified on their walls. I receive almost instant feedback in the form of comments or 'like' ratings. It is an instant gratification.

Instant gratification is not a protector or a friend of the sacred. It is the enemy of the sacred. It draws attention to oneself for the immediate glory of oneself. It is too easily controlled. Too easily forced and manipulated. It is just too easy. My energies are spent writing about my book instead of actually writing my book. Basically, I don't feel my book will get written because I am too busy updating people on Facebook.

So, I killed off Facebook until my family gets back from our vacation in July. In the meantime, I am retreating to the sacred.

What is sacred? you may ask.

To me, the two things that are sacred are my family and my ministry. The writing 'energy' I am given is to be used for God. It is my Samuel.

I expect great things in the next month. I am a dreamer, unashamed. I expect great things with Alabaster Grace. I expect great things with Beggar's Daughter. I expect great things with my youth group. I expect great things with my Sunday School class. That is my ministry. That is what is sacred.

I may be inconvenienced for a while, but I will take that. I will take the lack of communication with long lost friends. I will take missing the first pictures of new babies if it means that I can be lost in Christ.

I will still be here. This is part of my ministry. This is actually my freewriting (what writers write about until they are ready to write about that which they are supposed to write). For the most part though I will be lost inside my books. Books which are so near completion. Books which the world has never seen. Instant gratification? no. It is hard work. It is frustrating work. It is satisfying work because it is sacred work.

This is the Day...

2009-06-22T10:02:00.002-04:00

I like being selfish when it comes to God. Is that allowed? God is mine, and sure, you can have Him, but I am convinced that I am His favorite. This perspective makes life much more exciting and even refreshing.

Yesterday, I climbed a mountain in Virginia with a good friend of mine, Bambee, and my in-too-good-of-shape-for-his-own-good brother, Jonathan. On the way to the mountain, we got lost. A rather unfortunate turn of events. The printed directions told us to take a road. At the entrance to the road was a cardboard sign that said, "No Old Rag access." (Old Rag is the name of the mountain). Well, we trusted the printed directions over the cardboard sign. We drove and drove, and right about the time we reached a 'house' made of clothes and bed sheets, we decided it wise to turn around. As we passed by the "No Access" sign, we realized there was a message at the bottom of the sign: "Google is lying." Made for a fun start to the trip.

The weather was absolutey gorgeous. No humidity, and a slight breeze with partly cloudy skies. When hiking, you cannot ask for more. My brother set a blistering pace, and we had to slow down a few times to allow my heart and lungs to catch up with my body. We reached the top in record time and I was lost for a moment in the wonder of it all. The clear blue skies. The fluffy white clouds. The birds soaring through the valley below us. The wind, so strong, so powerful. I was lost there for a moment. As I watched a pair of vultures soar over head, I had this overwhelming thought, "Today was made just for me."

Just a few yards from the summit, I stopped still in my tracks. Less than ten feet in front of me was a doe. She was beautiful, and she wasn't afraid of us. We allowed her to cross the path and took a few pictures of her. We continued on our way. I was feeling amazingly blessed.

About a half and hour later we crossed paths with a group of mountain guides all crouched down over the trail. The air was filled with this rattling sound. They looked up and said, "Want to see a rattle snake?" My first instinct was to run, but I could just picture this snake chasing me all the way down the mountain. By the sounds of it, he was not too happy at all. We creaped along the far side of the trail until we could see him, coiled up and none too happy, tucked under a bush. Again, we snapped a couple pictures, and walked away. Doubly blessed.

Less than ten minutes after the snake a buck walked across the trail in front of us. We snapped some more pictures while the guides blew by angrily (heaven forbid nature gets in the way). Triply blessed.

We caught up with the guides near a shelter at the base of the mountain. We started conversation. In the middle of which, a doe wandered out onto the trail in front of us. Are you kidding me? This is so cool! Then the guides told us about the history of the mountain and showed us some of the old ruins of the town that used to be there. We got a free guided tour.

Beyond blessed.

As we walked back to the truck and passed over rippling brooks and stopped to enjoy the plant life along the way, I couldn't help but feel very loved. God had made today just for me. It was my day. He had crafted it and had done so perfectly. Then, I realized something, even if it had poured down rain, it still would have been a day made just for me.

Even if I had tripped down the rocks and snapped my leg in half, it still would have been a day made just for me. That is what the Psalmist is saying in Psalm 118:24 when he writes, "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

That verb, "hath made" is purposefully. It isn't the day that the Lord hath allowed to come to pass. It isn't the day that just happened. It is the day that the Lord hath made. Everything I face today was made specifically for me. Since my primary love language is quality time, the fact that God would take the time to fashion the details of a day just for me, speaks volumes to my heart. That is amazing. He loves me. He loves me enough to make a day for me. Just for me.

Today was made for me; Tomorrow is mine too. The best thing is, you can say the same.

A Microwave Prayer

2009-06-17T09:03:00.003-04:00

This morning, I had a precious time of prayer before the Lord. In truth I have had better, but it will still a calming time before Him. It didn't start off that way. It started, "Dear Lord... oh, I have to do that drama today. I need to remember to get gloves... Sorry, God. Thank you for today. Thank you that... oh, and I need to remember the chocolate syrup and how should I get the end tables in the car? Should I take the van?... oh, right! praying! Forgot. Umm...yeah, please be with my family today... Jonathan has that job interview this afternoon, did Justin remember to take mom to work? Oh, I hope they don't fight. RATS! I have to do postcards for the work day. I forgot to do those last night. Ug!..."

It didn't take long for me to realize that the current method of prayer was not going to work. I am one of those people who have to do two things at once or I don't get anything done. My brain is too easily distracted. So, in the quiet of the early morning, I began to pray out loud, not loudly, but out loud, whispering the words, so as not to wake my sister or to draw confused attention from my brother who was already awake (after taking mom to work). The first minute of my prayer was that God would calm my heart.

In college, one of the dean staff once said, "When you come to God, come to Him with a quiet heart." It took me a while to understand what she was saying, and even longer to understand how to do what she was saying.

We often pray microwave prayers. We push a button and walk away and allow our mouth to recite whatever we can remember, and then when we feel our prayer is done, we run out the door.

Prayer does us no good if it is a spiritual heart attack. If we come to God and can't even pray in complete sentences, we aren't really coming to God. It is as if He called us on our cell phone in the middle of cooking dinner. We smile and nod, shake our heads and ramble on as if we are all there, completely in the conversation, but within minutes it is obvious we have no clue. As we drop the spoon in the gravy we sigh and quickly mutter, "Ok, got to go. Bye!" and hang up. What a lovely conversation that was.

When we stand before the throne of the Almighty God, it would be in our best interest to be completely there. I've said before that prayer is not about changing God's mind or telling Him what He doesn't know. Even the Bible says that the Spirit prays for us. I often wonder what that prayer is like.

"Dear God, I am so nervous about this drama this afternoon. I just can't believe it is here and I really want to do well, and I just am so excited and so nervous..."

What she really means, God, is that she wants you to steady her heart and mind for the drama. Please bless the team and all of the effort they put in. Give them strength to do well for Your honor and glory.

When I get to Heaven, I would be very interested see the prayer transcripts.

So, why do we pray? We pray to remind ourselves of our position before God. If all prayer is is an incovenient dinner time cell phone call, then what have we reminded ourselves of? Nothing, except to remind us that we should be annoyed. We half-heartedly pray, "God, I leave it in Your hands," but then we walk away, with it still in hand. How does that work? I wonder if God is asking the same question.

Microwave prayers are timed too. We know the specific amount of time we have, and we need to pray in that time and God needs to answer... fast. I am guilty of remembering to pray when I only have five minutes left to pray and, when I do that, I check the clock every couple seconds just to make sure I am rattling of my list fast enough.

But, oh, the joy of crock pot praying. Have you ever cooked in a crock pot? I love it. I can throw the ingredients in in the morning and then all day, they simmer, and soften and season eachother. I can leave it in there all day. Someone can call me in the middle of dinner without throwing off my schedule. I know I have time. There is no rush, no hurry.

This morning was one of those mornings. I had prayed myself to sleep the night before (such an amazing and calming thing). So, this morning, I really had nothing new to share with God that I hadn't shared last night. This morning, became a time of sweet fellowship. I kinda got lost actually. I am sure I repeated something a couple times, but I just enjoyed the peace, the presence there. The feeling of everything being taken care of. Of life being well under control. I had given myself an hour... I am not anywhere near praying for an hour but I knew that checking the clock was not necessary and I did not until I was done.

What if we all made prayer an art instead of a convenience? What if we each took the time necessary to quiet our hearts and spend unmetered time before our God? If we could each just put it on simmer and let it go for however long we needed instead of praying zap-it prayers. Is the Creator of our Time not worthy of at least ten minutes or our time or are we too busy with life that He has become an inconvenience?

Chip Away

2009-06-15T12:50:00.003-04:00

In case you have not noticed, I am a bit of a freak when it comes to symbolism. I love word pictures and illustrations, love love love. Give me a sharp pun or play on words and I am a very happy camper. So, imagine, if you can, how I feel when I discover another possible meaning for "Pieces of Alabaster." Originally, it was a play off of Alabaster Grace, my writing ministry. Since these are small writings, I called them "Pieces." Then, there was the whole tie in to the story of the Alabaster box in Scripture. Pieces of Alabaster were all that were left of the woman's most precious belongings. Nifty parallel. Well, yesterday morning, at church, I found another one, and it is by far my favorite.

When I took the picture at the top of this page, it was because the architect was working with alabaster. I thought is was neat that he was sculpting so delicately and so intricately the outline of a young girl into this stone. Then, I took the pictures of me writing and overlayed them to show that like the sculptor, I was working on a creative art form as well. I completely missed the best parallel of them all.

I am God's masterpiece.

Pastor spoke yesterday on the infamous sculpture, David, by Michael Angelo. I will never see it, as magnificent as some hail, unless someone decides to give David a loin cloth. As Pastor told of the sculpture, he said that some say, "Michael Angelo chipped away anything that wasn't David out of that 17 foot piece of marble."

That is the same thing God longs to do with each of us. Each of us is a rugged,rough-edged chunk of marble. We are really of no use except maybe for someone to walk on. We have no function. In each of us, God sees a potential masterpiece, and He longs to use trials and happenings in our lives in order to chip away pieces of marble, or in this case, alabaster. He wants to chip away everything that isn't what He wants us to be. He wants to take our shapeless, common form and transform it into something extraordinary. Something majestic, beautiful, and, in our case, clothed.

The Key to Contentment

2009-06-11T10:07:00.002-04:00

A recent topic of discussion amongst my social circles has been that of contentment. Contentment like physical fitness is some elusive goal of man, one which we pursue through the use of self-help seminars, life coaches, pills and vacations. Constantly, people are searching a way to reduce their stress but they cannot see the solution through the pile of stress relief balls.

I have mulled over the thought of contentment for the past couple days. It is not a new topic of thought for me. I have done my time in the prison of discontent and even find myself visiting on occasion. However, I believe I have found the key to contentment. That key is joy.

The best thing of all, joy is free. The hard thing, we cannot bring ourselves joy. We can bring ourselves happiness, but true joy can only be brought by Christ. The problem is, we have to focus on Him. Too often we think contentment is happiness, but happiness is a man-made emotion. A movie can make us happy, but a movie cannot make us content. Only Christ can make us joyful.

Since the beginning of time, we humans have been concerned with promoting ourselves. The original sin resulted from the desire to be like God. The original sin resulted from discontent. Eve was not content with what God had given her. She wanted more. That is the same thing Lucifer (Satan) was guilty of. He was a beautiful, powerful angel, but he wanted more. Greed is the enemy of contentment. Hence the jars of stress relief pills.

All modern fixes do though is permit us to have less consequences for being discontented and henceforth causing us to become more discontented. Then we go into depression, and take anti-depressants and soon we are humans who bleed pharmaceuticals but still have no relief. Even the self worth systems which have you brainwash yourself into believing that you are actually worth something are not a solution. Pretty soon, the world will come to you with more chants to the contrary. For every time you say to yourself, "I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful" billboards and television ads will scream at you, "You may be beautiful but you are not beautiful enough." To the world, no one will ever be enough.

So how do we have contentment? Well, if greed is the enemy of contentment, it would make sense that we would have to get rid of greed and pride. It is a paradox of faith that to be content with our worth, we must see ourselves as worthless. To stop there would be depressing. Here comes the joy.

As Christians, our worth is found in Christ. To Him, we are priceless. What delight!

When I live for myself, for my wants, for my needs. When my life is focused on me, I will never find contentment. Forever, I will search for that next high, that next accolade, the fulfillment of that next desire, that next dream come true. My flesh will never ever be satisfied. What a glorious thing that I am not a slave to my flesh any more!

We have been freed from bondage to our flesh by the death of Christ. He gave us the opportunity to find our whole identity, He gave us an indentity... Himself. He has given us access to everything. I have unhindered access to the throne of the Creator of the Universe and He welcomes me to come to Him. He desires me to come to Him.

My life, in Him, has specific meaning and purpose. I was formed by Him, crafted by His hands with intent. My life is not worthless; but my worth is only found in Him. I will never be a supermodel. I have never won a beauty competition. Yet, I know that the Creator of the Universe thinks I am beautiful.

My failures have found their final resting place far beyond reach of memory or enemy. Buried beneath the cross, drowned in the blood of Christ. Gone, never to be brought to rememberance by my God. There is no condemnation.

Greed vanishes when it is replaced by the joy of knowing Christ. I cannot desire anything more when I know I have Him. I already have more than I have ever deserved and more than I will ever need. He is sufficient. In that is joy. In joy is satisfaction. In satisfaction is contentment. I may not see all of my dreams ever come true, but His far exceed my own. I am pretty sure I can "settle" for that.

2009-05-26T07:11:00.003-04:00

I have to tell you that I absolutely love "Behold" moments. They happen suddenly and don't last long. Usually, when my mind is wandering, I will stumble across some thought and trip over it. When I look to see what it was, I find a shining jewel. I like to stick it in my pocket, bring it home and share.

I was pulling into the garage yesterday listening to our local Christian radio station when "We Fall Down" by Steven Curtis Chapman and Chris Tomlin began to play. I am all for private worship, and though I will not raise my hands and whatnot in church, I will definitely do it in my car when I am alone (and while the car is not moving). Yesterday, I turned the engine off, shut the garage door and just let the music play.

"We fall down, we lay our crowns, at the feet of Jesus. The greatness of mercy and love, at the feet of Jesus. And we cry holy, holy, holy. We cry holy, holy, holy. We cry holy, holy, holy, is the Lord."

A thought struck me right after the first line. "This song is in present tense." Being a writer, those things are important to me, because I know they are important to fellow writers. I thought about what could be meant by this.

I had always thought this song was in reference to Revelation and Heaven where we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus. There is a conflict in that interpretation though because both the writer and myself are alive and are therefore not in Heaven. So, how can I be currently laying down my crowns at the feet of Jesus? Surely Heaven's worship must be possible, if on a much lesser scale, here on earth.

A verse I read recently came to mind. Proverbs 25:27 "It is not good to eat much honey: so for men to search their own glory is not glory."

My glory. Insteresting thought. That I would have glory. Isn't God supposed to have all of the glory? Then came the realization. Men have glory. We have glory that does not belong to us. It belongs to him.

Our crowns are our glory. The praise and the applause of man graces our heads and gives us places of honor and prestige. But we don't get ourselves there. God puts us there, so all of the glory both now and forever, every crown I will ever wear- whether placed by God or man- has been given by God and belongs to Him.

Busy with God

2009-05-18T13:31:00.002-04:00

Life can have ebbs and flows. These last few days have been crazy. These next few days could be crazy. School is wrapping up meaning less work for the students but more work for the teachers as we try to wrap up our year and motivate the unmotivated students. Couple that with the countless year-end activities, graduation parties and field trips and life gets exciting. That is just school.

It is at times like these when it is easy to lose focus. The daily planner can become overwhelming and it feels like we even have to pencil in time to breathe. Sleep becomes a luxury and food an if-maybe. Life kicks into high gear and we often feel we are being dragged behind, struggling to stay on our feet. We race and race and race and pray for it to be over. When the spinning stops, we stand still, catch our breath, and say a prayer of gratitude for surviving. We take two steps before being swept away again. Life is a relentless cycle.

To some the journey is much more rewarding. When the focus is where it belongs, business turns to blessing. Instead of being overwhelmed with a to-do list, we are overwhelmed with God's goodness. We feel blessed to be able to serve in the capacities we are called to fill.

When we focus on God and busy ourselves with the things of God, we open the floodgates for blessing. Priorities are still important, but when serving God is first, days seem to gain hours and life seems more controlled, because instead of living it for ourselves, we are living it for someone else. In that life, we find satisfaction and fulfillment. Joy unspeakable and peace.

Fingerprints

2009-05-15T23:40:00.005-04:00

Today was a day marked by change. I had to fight back tears as I watched some of my students clear off their desks. Tonight, as I sat front row, I watched young men and women walk the aisle, never to set foot in this school as a student ever again. My moment in their lives had finished. My time, my opportunity to influence them, to be a tool used in their development, had ended. As they crossed that platform, and I snapped a picture of them receiving their diplomas, I had captured on film the very last moment that Miss Jessica would touch their life.

Wow.

It made me think of where I have left my fingerprints. Did you know that you leave fingerprints on everything you touch? It's true. And those fingerprints are identifiable as yours. They are no one else's. They are yours. They prove that you touched whatever it is you touched.

When I touch a life, I leave a fingerprint. Now, it could either be one that helped to mold that life, or one that helped to push that life farther away. Either way, I have left a finger print. Every little thing I do leaves a fingerprint. Even something seemingly simple and insignificant.

Teaching is a big deal. It has been quite the year, and I do not take lightly the opportunity for ministry and impact that I have in the lives of my students. Because of that, it is sometimes easy for me to categorize my ministry. Now, teaching has become more important than scrubbing the toilet in the hall bathroom. Besides, no one sees me scrubbing the toilet, right? Everyone sees me teaching. Though I don't do it for recognition, I am well aware I am being watched by my students, my fellow teachers, and the parents of my students.

What I had forgotten was that the little things matter too.

Wednesday night I had every intention of sitting in on youth group once again. As I played sand volleyball with the teenagers, herds- yes, herds- of AWANA kids came out to play on the inflatables set up in the field behind me. My mother was leading the way, and I ran up to make sure she was OK (she has been suffering from an allergic reaction or something) and, due to my proximity to the moon bounce, I was shanghaid into running the moonbounce.

In that moment, I was given a choice, and it was one I negotiated bitterly. I really really really wanted to go back and work with the teenagers, but looking into the hyper eyes of fifteen 5-9 year-olds and then the eyes of their worn out and well outnumbered leaders, I struggled. There were four more groups like this one. My decision was made. So, I kicked off my shoes and initiated the moon bounce :-D

No one asked me to, it is just something I did. I barked out orders, gave the rules and timed the bounce time. I was flung back into my first year of Bible school when, as a member of the Children's Ministry Team, I did this very thing. Fond memories. I sat there, watching these children jump and leap and twist and laugh, and couldn't help but laugh myself. Somehow, I had captured joy. There it was, trapped inside four inflatable walls, and the youth just 50 yards away inside their thin walls faded from my mind. The whistle blew, and off the little ones were to the next activity.

At the end of the night, I kicked into tear down mode. Thankful for the training in college, I tore down one of the moon bounces and had it nearly rolled up before 'the men' were there to help.

No one would remember my name. I added to no one's fun. All the kids will remember is the bouncing they did in the moon bounce and how much fun the moon bounce was. I was blessed, but figured I had been the only one. And that would have been fine. I was raised that you take pride in your work regardless of how insignificant or unimportant it may seem. I figured I was the only one who cared how well I could count three minutes. Tonight, I found out I was wrong.

After all of the emotion of graduation. After watching my eleven seniors walk that aisle, a father pulled me aside. I have worked with his daughter this entire year as she has struggled to finish on time and well. She has come over to my house even for some late-night study sessions in order for her to pass her trigonometry. She has spent countless hours at my desk, patiently waiting for me to work with my geometry kids. She did it. She graduated valedictorian. Her father, however, is also the Awana leader at the church. His wife is my boss.

Of all the things he could have said. All the things he could have thanked me for. He did not thank me for helping his wife this year. He did not even thank me for teaching his daughter. He thanked me for running that moon bounce. He said he was refreshed by the fact that someone was willing to step up and help. All I did was stood on the grass (in bare feet) and tell them when their three minutes was up. Anybody could have done that. The key is, somebody did.

No, the whole world doesn't care who ran the moon bounce. There will be no thank you speech six years from now with some kid thanking me for teaching him how to tell time, but I left a fingerprint.

Everything you touch will bear your fingerprint. Everything you do not touch will not bear your fingerprint. I have to say that I believe the more you touch, the more you bless and the more you will be blessed.

Where did you leave your fingerprints today?

What if...

2009-05-12T21:38:00.002-04:00

A Christian author just brought up an interesting point on his facebook status. What would life be like if you were the only one? If you were, indeed, God's favorite. His exact question:

What if you were God's favorite? I mean, what if everyone else was really an android or something and it was all about you. Heaven and Hell perched on the edge of their seats to see what you will do next... and you don't even know it. Think about it. Set your mind free, my child. No theology lessons please, just run with it and see where it takes you.

The discussion has been intriguing to say the least. You have those who sit there and say, "Well, aren't we all God's favorite?" In the sense that Christ would ahve died for any one of us, yes, of course, we are, but I think the point of the question is "what if you were God's only favorite?"

What if you, alone, were the one person in the world who had an immortal soul. How would you love God? Would you feel you needed His love? Would you feel worthy of His love?

Can you imagine if all of the powers of Heaven and Hell battled for your time and attention? Can you imagine if angels and demons sat enthralled, waiting, just waiting to see what you did next?

You would not only be God's favorite but Satan's favorite...

It would all come down to which was your favorite.

And isn't that what it comes down to anyway?

Resurrecting Princesses

2009-04-16T12:31:00.004-04:00

This is a venting Jessica post, I will just put that disclaimer right here at the beginning. Proceed with caution.

Today I got an e-mail from a Christian author about singleness. She, a married, woman would be 'discussing' singleness. Here's a question for the audience, what can a married woman honestly discuss about singleness? Honestly.

A couple weeks ago, I touched base with one of my friends who is attending a 'single woman' Bible study, led by a married woman. They are working their way through an absolutely amazing book, but get this, skipped a chapter about being single because it, in the eye of this married leader, "bashed marriage." I laughed. That was the best chapter of the book for me. Funny how our perspective changes things.

So, can a married woman honestly teach a single woman the best way to be single?? Can she? The overwhelming message from married women as advice to singles is this: "Hang in there. Just serve God as much as you can and eventually he will show up. You'll see." Women are encouraged to wait... problem is, we shouldn't be waiting. So, then you have the other extreme (also pioneered by married women) that says, "Don't wait! Get yourself out there! Find him! You are running out of time." It is no wonder that many women are confused.

Why is it that every book I have ever read on singleness, save for Rebecca St. James' "Wait for Me" is written by a married woman? Have you ever heard people scoff the so-called 'parenting experts' who have no children? Is this not the same concept?

Frankly, I believe there is middle ground that married women cannot find. That is not to their fault. Married women are, rightfully so, passionate about marriage. They want that same love and luster for every woman in the world, so much so that the concept of being single is almost painful for them. To think of one of their friends never seeing that side of life hurts.

I regard marriage very highly. I have many married friends. I attend many weddings every year (it seems). I think it is very honorable, and I do desire it for myself one day. My problem is the confusion surrounding it. Young women are getting conflicting messages. Either they are to be a Sleeping Beauty or they are to be a "Ruth" and go and get their Boaz (which is very unfortunate misinterprettation of a Bible story). Where is the middle, BIBLICAL, ground?

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
I Corinthians 7:32-35

People site the writings of Paul to prove many points. From the Sleeping Beauty side... well, I don't know what they do with this passage. I think they tend to ignore it. Instead, they cling to the Song of Solomon that talks about not waking love. A poisoned apple. Down they go.

From the Ruth camp, they say "Well, it says that if you are single, you will devote more time to the Lord, but who honestly does that? So we should all get married." So, now we have frog chasers. They have to be active- doing something. Waiting isn't going to cut it for them, so off they go, into the swamp to chase down an unfortunate frog named Boaz.

Let's try a new approach. How about this. If you are single then you SHOULD be devoting the extra time you have to the Lord. That seems like a logical interpretation to me. You cannot adjust Biblical standards to fit your case. Just because you do not use your time to serve God does not mean you should not be using your time to serve God. If you use your free time to play video games and watch hours of TV, that is not a legitimate 'excuse' to be married. Those are habits; they will not change. What it should get you to do is to reevaluate your priorities. Fact is, you have much more time to serve God now than you will once there is a spouse and a family involved. Use that time wisely!

Like I said before, marriage is a good thing. It is something to be desired, but I am sick of married women crawling out of the wood work and trying to teach single women how to be single. In their minds, marriage is something that is coming eventually and just hang on or run after it. What if, we woke up all of our Sleeping Beauties?

Do you know what an army of Christ is sleeping right now because they are afraid of screwing up their chance of being married? Do you know what impact and influence lies dormant waiting for the kiss of a Prince Charming? Do you know how many Ruths could be out fighting for the Lord but instead are chasing frogs through the swamp? Too many, and that's sad.

Worst of all; it's our own fault.

Gravity

2009-04-10T11:08:00.006-04:00

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

It may seem like an odd text for Good Friday. I mean, shouldn't I be writing on the cross or something of that spiritual nature? Probably. And, eventually, I will. More prominently though is the thought of focusing on Him.

Yesterday, I had the second scariest experience of my personal life. The first was five years ago March when the entire left side of my body went numb, rendering me useless for over 16 hours. The eventual diagnosis was hemiphlegic migraines. I laughed and thought, "This is God's way of getting my attention." Maybe I shouldn't have laughed.

God has unique ways of getting our attention, of keeping us relying on Him. In Paul's case, we do not know what his thorn was. Many suggest it was an eye ailment. I imagine that could be annoying as a writer to not have decent use of your eyes. Paul would be unable to write effectively without the aid of another, but it was that inefficiency that kept Paul effective, because Paul realized he would never be able to do this on his own.

I believe God may give us a weakness, in order to show His strength. Could God do something like that on purpose? Sure He could, and I believe He does!

For me, I am stubborn. I devote much time to what I am doing without really considering what it is doing to me. I figure that God will supernaturally alter the natural circumstances in which I have placed myself. Tim Hawkins, a Christian comedian says it best in a bit about asking God to bless our food.

"Sometimes, we pray over food and ask God to make up for our bad choices when we eat. That's funny. No matter what it is, 'Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Lord, bless this bag of Cheetos...change it into a carrot stick on the way down."

We humans are knuckleheads. We make stupid decisions and expect God to take care of us. Will He take care of us? He wants to, but if you go and jump off a building, He won't defy gravity or suddenly provide a pillow for you to fall onto. He expects you to use some sort of common sense in your life. You are not above the reaches of gravity. Gravity keeps us from jumping off buildlings. Gravity keeps us humble. It is still bigger than we are. We haven't defied it yet. There are some laws that cannot be defied.

Such as the laws that our bodies need sleep, food, rest. I can be a self-proclaimed superwoman at times, giving and giving and giving, wanting to be there for people, wanting to help people, wanting to do everything. I will stay up on late night chats, or writing or cleaning, depending on whatever mood I am in. So, God, took my eyes.

My vision yesterday went from normal to nearly gone in a matter of minutes. At the time, I was convinced I was going blind. I began to ask why how and what. Why was this happening to me? What had I done? How could I keep writing? How could I keep teaching? As I walked out of school, all of the things I was worried about getting done were definitely not going to get done.

My kids have a geometry test, I hate test days. They are so dependent on me. It drives me crazy - now, their geometry teacher would be gone for the rest of the day. They need me I am letting them down.

The house needs to be clean, I just don't have time- now, the house will not get cleaned. We'll just have to live with it.

After a visit to the retinal specialist, I have been diagnosed with ocular migraines. All has returned to normal now, except I am very fatigued (even after 10 hours of sleep) and have a slight headache, both of which are textbook postmigraine symptoms. Basically, any time I go without enough sleep, or enough food, or have so much on my plate that I get stressed, I will go blind.

Other people can pull off all nighters or a day or two without food, but I will never be able to. There will be no more late-night counseling chats. No more midnight writing sprees, and that frustrates me. It puts limits on my creativity, and creates a weakness, a trade off I am not willing to make. Is it frustrating? Absolutely. I sit here thinking, "God, why would You take my eyes? Why would you rob me of their use when all I am doing is trying to serve You?" My eyes are my strength, and now they are made weak in His hands. That's a humbling thought. It is a bittersweet blessing, my own personal thorn in my side. My gravity.

The temptation right now is to just walk away from writing. After all, I work best late at night. The temptation is to say this is a sign to give it up, that this life will be too much for me (not life in general, just the life I am leading up to for myself). To throw in the towel because I will not be able to handle a busy ministry schedule. The truth is, I have to rely on Him, not give up. There is a difference. Things may not happen on my time schedule or in the way I wanted, but that is faith. I have seen it many times, as we give up our gravity, He helps us defy it, in His time.

"When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." ~ Patrick Overton

One Truth

2009-03-26T13:11:00.002-04:00

God enjoys using teachable moments in our lives. If we are willing to be taught, I believe we can find lessons in the most bizarre, frustrating or joyful circumstance. A medical record screw up at a hospital, for instance.

As we sat in an ICU room watching over my brother, my mother and I were greeted by many different doctors. Each had a different story, a different prognosis, a different opinion and a different procedure. After doctor number 4, we were confused. When doctor number 5 marched in the room, we objected, so she went and called in doctor number 6 who marched in, insisted he was right and all other doctors were wrong and that he was now the man in charge. We got angry.

It made me realize the importance of the truth and the failures of the human mind. Regardless of the fact that all of Justin's information was in the chart, every doctor had a different opinion of how the information was interpretted. Some said he was fine. Others thought he still needed more tests. We sat there, confused.

Then came doctors 7 and 8. Doctor 8 was the best. He looked at Justin and said, "Let me tell you what your chart is telling me and you tell me if it is true." He was searching for truth. He found it. We found our answer, and we were discharged.

The whole ordeal reminded me of situations many Christians find themselves in. They will derive their theology from devotional books or songs instead of going to the Word. So, when an issue arises and opinions conflict, we are caught in a crossfire of opinions and untruths. Well, this singer said this. This author says that. We live confused with a graying theology. Our absolutes begin to blur, and mix because of the catchy jingle playing on the radio. If it sounds so good in a song, could it be wrong? Sure! Because we are human.

Forget the singer; Forget the author. Tell me what the Word says is truth, because that is truth. Take the words of the singer, the author... take them to the Lord and say, "God, this is what people are telling me about You. Tell me if it is truth."

Laying Aside all weights

2009-03-23T21:55:00.002-04:00

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us...

Hebrews 12:1

Can a ministry be a weight?

That is the question raised in my head during a phone conversation with an old friend. We discussed recent happenings in my life regarding certain ministries and discussed the next step in regards to those ministries.

The idea sprung up in my mind... can something considered good be a weight as we run this race? Based on the structure of that verse, the 'weight' isn't sin... so it must be something else. Something I hold on to that saps my time and energy and makes it difficult for me to run the race effectively.

A ministry could fall in that category.

Now, not every ministry is a weight. Sometimes our race is actually a ministry. However, we can spread ourselves too thin, forget to exercise the freedom to say 'no' and find ourselves weighed down.

Clothes are necessary for the athlete to wear, but he only wears the clothing necessary. You will not see an Olympic sprinter dressed in a snow suit and a parka. It is not practical. On the same side, you will not see an Alaskan sled racer dressed in a speedo. Different races require different skill sets, talents and even ministries. To try and don the outfit of a skiier while I dash the 200 hurdles would result in utter failure of my race. I will find myself exhausted and useless until that extra baggage is shed.

So, while a particular ministry or life choice may be fine for Suzy, it may not be what God desires for Joe. Following God means that Joe needs to decline that ministry. It also means that Suzy should not feel offended when that ministry is declined. Joe is not running her race. He is running his race.

We each have our own races to run. The finish line is universal: the glory of God, but our roads to that point will vary in appearance as much as we do. There should not be pressure to adopt all the ministries of the church. Focus. Set your eyes. Evaluate your course. Don your attire. Lay aside what you do not need and run.

Insights into the King

2009-03-21T11:54:00.003-04:00

It is such a beautiful thing to me when I can see that the Holy Spirit is trying to teach me something. I know we should always be learning but when I can see a theme and a specific topic it just rejoices my soul. My God loves me enough to want to teach me. To train me. He hasn't given up on me.

I have begun a Bible Study by Elizabeth George. It is regarding Mary and nurturing a heart of humility. It has been an amazing study. This morning, it covered the passage in Luke 2, discussing the taxation decree which caused Mary and Joseph to end up in Bethlehem. The fact was brought up that Caeser, an unGodly ruler, was used of God to accomplish God's will. God is literally in control.

As I read through my Bible, I started this morning in Numbers 1. I have never actually read Numbers. Being a math teacher, you think I would love the book. However, long lists of names and numbers never really interested me. My mistake. The first chapter of Numbers shows us that the nation of Israel was composed of hundreds of thousands of people. Can you imagine the chaos? Yet, God requires order. He gives them rules and instructions. He even tells them where they are to live and who can touch this and who can't touch that. God is a God of order.

I then read a couple chapters in Psalms. The title of the one was "God is ruler." I sat there staring at that title for a few moments. That is when it hit me: "God is trying to teach me something." So, I dove into the Psalms and read through the passage as it praised God for His sovereign and powerful control over all creation. He reigns!!

On to Proverbs chapter 21. Verse 1 "The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will." My entire devotion could have stopped there. It became very apparent to me that God was trying to remind me of exactly who is in charge here. He is in charge.

Then, on to the last chapter of the Gospel of John. Here, Jesus appears to His disciples while they are out by the sea. They have spent a worthless night fishing and are headed in for the morning when He calls out to them and tells them where to fish and they catch fish. This is also the chapter where we find the infamous, "Peter, do you love me" dialogue between Jesus and Peter. I love the closing words to the book of John. "And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen."

Wooohooo!! What a great God we serve!

Talk to my Lawyer

2009-03-18T13:48:00.007-04:00

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah

I should know better than to get excited about days that start really good. I was in such a good mood this morning. Even with a half voice, I couldn't have had a more merry heart. I was handing out demerits left and right. One of my students even asked if I was cranky because I had sure been yelling alot. I told her no. I had just finally come to a peace with the position God gave me there at the school. I had finally come to see it as a gift.

One should note that major testing always comes after major victory. Today was fine... it really was, right up until I had 30 minutes left to survive... then it was not fine anymore. I now know what famous people must feel like when their name is slapped up in lies on a tabloid cover. "Shelly is marrying Caleb!!" Shelly looks down at her ring and over at her husband Todd... "I am?" My little tabloid had nothing to do with marriage but something just as sacred to me.

My passion for ministry was apparently misinterpretted by certain people and then, after going through the line of he said she said, it came back to other certain people who then informed me of some pretty bogus allegations that I was being accused of starting. Say what?!?

Heartbroken would be the poorest understatement at the moment. I was devastated. More than that, I was hurt, violated, broken, misunderstood. How do you defend something you are totally oblivious to? It is like asking a kindergartner to solve calculus. He might be able to scribble some numbers on a paper, but he cannot answer the question. He is incapable. When incapable, it is best to remain silent... modern-day justice has equated silence with guilt. So, it would seem, there are two options: lie or be guilty.

Ever been misunderstood?

This was not the first instance for me. As long as there are people, people will be misunderstood. People will be people. You can never speak 100% clearly to 100% of the people 100% of the time. It just doesn't work that way.

The Scriptures are full of a long line of people who were misunderstood. Joseph's honesty was mistaken for pride(in telling his brothers of his dreams), his integrity was mistaken for lust (in running from Potiphar's wife). Even Jesus was misunderstood! I am finishing up the book of John as I read through the Bible in a year, and even this morning was reading the account of Jesus before Caiaphas and Annas. How misunderstood. Love was misunderstood for something worthy of death. Love was misunderstood for blasphemy. Yet, Jesus loved.

That is, admittedly, the part I need to work on the most. Today, as a I sat across for my accuser, I felt violated. I felt helpless, confused, blindsided and lost. I did not have an answer for the two tabloid covers being waved in my face. What hurt even more was not that I was being accused. I have been accused of things before. I can stand up to accusations. What hurt most was what I was being accused of, who wrote the story and the people who bought it. Suddenly, my entire world had disappeared. Everyone whom I thought would say, "Oh no, Jessica wouldn't do that" had bought the story. Everyone who could defend me had either added to it or listened to it. That hurt the most.

I had the potential for a pretty long hit list and I was struggling. I wanted to get up and ream out the person with me and the two other culprits who had shared the story. I wanted justice.

We humans love to defend ourselves. But how do you defend yourself when you have no proof? No evidence? When it is your feeble word against the words of others, how do you stand up for yourself in that time?

You don't.

That is the answer I learned today as I tried to move on with my life. Confrontation and pain read on my face. It is inevitable. My eyes turn a bloodshot red and my cheeks turn red and it is just a mess. It is a broadcast to the world, "Hey! Look at me! I am having issues!" But praise the Lord I can have those 'issues' in the presence of Godly women.

A coworker saw me and offered to pray with me (do I have great coworkers or what?). She grabbed my hand and we knelt to pray. In her prayer she identified with the hurt I was feeling. I can only imagine the untrue allegations that have been lobbed at her, as a pastor's wife. She continued with her prayer by saying something I will probably never forget:

"God, be her defense. So many times we want to defend ourselves but we can't. You are our defense. Come to her defense."

Wow.

In writing for Beggar's Daughter, I have been covering the topic of justice. Even at my desk today, just minutes before this altercation, I was writing out verses about the justice of God. God is our Judge, but He is also our defense. Not only does He judge us when we have done wrong; He represents us when wrong has been done. Mind-blowing concept right there.

Leaving it in His capable hands leaves me free to love. No, it isn't easy. It probably should be easier. I should probably take the attack and roll with it and move on. Admittedly, I am still working on that. But, as I prayed today I realized I cannot walk away from this, this is my ministry. This is my home. I cannot climb it... I don't even know where to start. So, what I must do, is press on in faith, knowing God will move it, in His time.

When all else fails, He still remains. When blind accusations fly, He is my fortress, my shield, my Deliverer. So, when faced with something of this nature, I have learned a new approach (one I hope I don't have to try soon): silence. Let the tabloids fly. Let the rumors roll. I need not answer for the deeds of others. I need no argument at all. He is my defense. Talk to my Lawyer.

Of Little Faith

2009-03-01T09:23:00.003-05:00

A group of young ladies and I were discussing the faith of Peter. Everyone always knocks the faith of Peter. That Peter! He had such a weak faith. He was such a loser. He took his eyes off Jesus and sank right in front of Him! Peter had such a poor faith.

My question to the populace is, "What about the other disciples?" How often do you hear the chickens of the sea derided for the fact that they never even thought about walking on the water. Oh the irony of it all if their boat had flipped.

The ladies I was talking with asked if Peter had failed. Some others asked to be more specific as to what task he failed.

Peter had faith. That was not an issue. Contrary to popular teaching Peter did have faith. He jumped out of that boat and started cruising across the water. When's the last time you were caught on a little fishing boat in the middle of a storm and decided to try strolling across the waves? That step alone took alot of faith.

Peter failed when he tried to do it on his own.

When Peter stepped out of the boat, he asked Jesus. He was talking, communicating with Jesus. Jesus told him, "Go for it!" So, he did. He got out of the boat. Everything is dandy until he stops focusing on Jesus and starts realizing what exactly he is doing. He freaks out.

Hebrews says that Jesus is the Author and the Finisher of our faith. He tells us to step out onto the water and then sustains us as we walk across it. Faith isn't a one time thing. That is the lesson Peter learned. Christ is to be our Finisher. Peter drowned when he became his own finisher. We will too.

Friday morning I was praying about my future book. Progress has been occurring at a mind-blowing pace. It is enough to make me dizzy. As I prayed the thought crossed my mind, "Pray for a publisher." I thought, "I haven't even finished writing. I will pray for the publisher once I am finished. It is foolish to pray for that now." So I did not. I said Amen and never asked to find a publisher.

This morning, I was humbled by my own lack of faith. Yesterday, I found a publisher, by going to a birthday party of all things. The birthday party of a one year old provided me with a publisher who accepts unsolicited manuscripts with content like unto mine. The whole thing didn't really hit until this morning as I prayed.

I was reminded of that thought I had on Friday and wept. Oh, how weak is my faith, but how great is my God who provided even when I didn't have enough faith to pray for it. His authorship makes us His children, but what blessings we could receive as Christians if we let Jesus be the Finisher of that faith!

There is a Time

2009-02-09T12:49:00.003-05:00

And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
Luke 10:41-42

I have heard this passage many times before. The sermons usually center around being a Mary not a Martha. It wasn't until a day or two ago that I first read this story in its context. It was a context that intrigued me and made me realize that maybe we are preaching the wrong approach.

It is very important to spend time at the feet of our King. It is very important to have a time of devotional fellowship with Him. To fail to do so will cause harm to our Christian life or stunt our growth. The problem comes when we believe that the only position of the believer is sitting in front of Jesus.

The story immediately preceding this is the story of a Good Samaritan. While Martha was encumbered by service, this man honored God through his service. Before that story, Christ informs people that inheriting eternal life comes not only from loving God but from loving our neighbors as well.

And, behold, a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.
Luke 10:25-28

The story of Mary and Martha is demonstrating that there is a time to love the Lord. The story of the good Samaritan is that there is a time to love others. No life is healthy if only ever spent at His feet. If all we do is draw closer to God and love God without expressing that love to others, we are empty. Our life is only half full. There is a time to rest, and we can't judge each other for resting, but there is also a time to serve.

2009-02-06T00:06:00.003-05:00

A man and his wife, scientists by trade, decided to go on a trip. A backpacking trip, mind you, through the neighboring mountains. It had been a while since they had shed the starched white lab coats and safety goggles to explore the great outdoors.

As they began their trip, they chatted with each other excitedly. They were grateful for the time alone together. Too many hours had been spent in different wings of the lab. Three days alone together seemed like a second honeymoon.

Hours wore on and the couple at last reached their campsite for the night. Relieved, the wife sat down by the campfire and stared up at the stars. The night was quiet, and she spent moments breathing in the fresh air and staring into the endless darkness of space. Her husband sat beside her for a few moments, gently holding her hand. He got up. Within minutes the night silence was broken by the crackle of twigs and brush underfoot.

"Honey, what are you doing?" His wife asked.

"Oh. Just looking around."

"Come back over here and sit by me."

"I can't! I am a scientist! I can't sit still. There is stuff to be understood, to be discovered. There is much I could learn. Why does this tree grow like this? How can this moss survive in this climate? How can you just sit there staring off into space. Get your notebook! Make observations. The night wildlife is fascinating."

"I'm more fascinated by the stars. Aren't they beautiful?"

"Well, yes dear, but the stars... that's all been seen before. Nothing new there. This... this is new, fascinating, exciting. I wonder what it is. I want to understand it. I'm going to get up early tomorrow to investigate these strange holes in the forest canopy. I wonder what lives up there."

The next morning, the wife found herself enjoying a trail breakfast on her own. With amusement, she watched her husband attempt to climb a large oak tree. After many failed attempts, he glared at her in frustration.

"I could use a little help here." The sarcasm was thick and the anger was evident.

"Help with what?"

"Getting up this tree."

"Why do you need to get up the tree? You can see the leaves just fine from here."

"I need to get closer! I need to take measurements. To evaluate. To analyze why this tree has grown this way."

"Why?"

"I am a scientist. It is what I do."

"Well, this scientist is going for a walk. The leaves are beautiful and I can see them just fine from down here. You climb your own tree."

With that, she began a leisurely stroll through the surrounding wooded area. She spent an hour lying on the bank of a rippling brook. Even drank water from a crystal clear spring. For hours, she wandered through the breath-taking scenery and made her way back to camp. Her husband was obviously disheveled and annoyed with something.

That night, she slept outside on the ground, staring up into the stars. Her husband climbed into the tent and slept. In the morning, they packed up camp and headed home in akward silence.

When the work week rolled around, coworkers commented on the drastic difference between husband and wife. When confronted with the reason for her joy and refreshment, the wife says, "For once, I put aside my agenda and my training to just step back and enjoy this world. I didn't have to understand how it worked. I didn't have to be running an experiment or making some discovery. I enjoyed the simple. The things that have been studied over and over and over again. The basics. I relished in those. I knew the time would come for great discovery, but while the earth was quiet, I learned to quiet myself and I found rest."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is true with our spiritual lives sometimes. Too often we get caught up in knowing more about God. So caught up that we forget that knowing about Him and knowing Him are two entirely different things.

As humans, it is our natural tendency to stress about details. But Scripture tells us not to worry. We are concerned about our futures, but we are promised a future of hope. We get caught up in the details of the faith. What does the Bible say about this or that? What Bible study should I do next? What passage should I memorize this time?

We get caught up in motions and when our spiritual life seems to lack motion we feel there is something wrong. We panic. We being to worry about the fact that we are worrying. We begin to despair over being in despair. We get so caught up in ourselves that we forget to just be. Just be in His presence. Just fall in love with Who He is. Just take one moment, and instead of tearing apart the hidden meaning of some obscure passage, find the treasure in the stars of the familiar.

God does not promise us a life of constant activity. He knows we can't handle constant activity. He knows we need time to just rest. There is a reason why, in Psalm 23, the Psalmist says of the Lord,

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul:

Lie Down.
Still.
Restore.

If you are at a slow point in your life, embrace it. Lie down, be still and let Him restore your soul.

2009-02-02T19:32:00.002-05:00

At the moment, my mind is torn between two different topics. On one hand I want to write about 'fairness' on the other, I have been greatly intrigued lately by the thought of love and our inborn desire for it. I had fully intended on writing about 'fairness' as it has been a topic of much discussion recently, but instead feel led to banter on about the human heart and its need for love. It is February, after all.

I wouldn't call myself an expert in the field of love. I would call myself an expert at desiring it, but as far as understanding it, I cannot. What is love? really. More than that, what is it with humans and our desire to be loved?

A friend and I were talking today. We chuckled when we realized that we both struggle with the problem of losing focus when it comes to loving God vs. loving men. It isn't that at any point in our lives we hate God; we just find ourselves distracted by butterflies, by fleeting thoughts of our knight in shining armor. The temptation is ever-present, to take measurements of men around us and see if they will fit in the suit of armor we have in the halls of our heart.

Many are taught to ignore that. Taught to fight through life without getting too close to people. We wouldn't want to get hurt.

We do more harm than good when we promote such reaction. That longing is a God-given one. More than that, it is meant to be filled by Him and Him alone.

For this month, I have decided to read 1 Corinthians 13 every day. I have prayed that God would teach me to love. Not the roses and chocolate covered cherries love, but the love that sees people the way God sees them. The love that knows our flaws and our weaknesses and still perseveres. That is the only true love.

As hard as I try, only one person will ever fill that need, that desire, and that is God. As I read through my Bible this month, I want to take note of the different 'needs' that Christ fills. Today, I was reminded:

Christ is my Protector.
Christ is my Provider.
Christ is my Healer.
Christ is the Source of Wisdom.

When it is all stripped away, we realize that all we ever need finds itself fulfilled in Him.

Linebackers and Princes

2009-02-01T14:29:00.003-05:00

Welcome to February! The month of 'love.' This month I really want to make it a goal to write on here daily. We'll see how well that works. I cannot guarantee that all of the posts will be lengthy or deep, but surely February is filled with enough topics and few enough days to generate substance sufficient for a daily blog.

Today's topic: Nobility.

It does tie in to the topic of love. In recent discussions with a young man, he mentioned that number one thing he was looking for in a wife was noble character. That being said, it was in my best interest to figure out exactly what that meant. What does it mean to have 'noble' character? I was pretty sure I had it... but then again, if I couldn't define it, how could I know? As I sat here in front of the computer, checking my various emails and websites, the thought crept up to research the exact definition and meaning of 'noble.'

Modern-day man has a problem with 'old' words. If it can't be shortened into texter-friendly symbols then it is no longer worth speaking. I wouldn't say that I am completely immersed in the text world... my text messages are written out and take up all 160 characters I am allotted. It is a last resort for me to shorten "you are" to "u r." Still, this man had used a word that I should know the meaning of but didn't.

Ready?

Noble
It has many definitions, actually. One thought is-

distinguished by rank or title.

My rank or title does not distinguish me as noble at all. Jessica Harris, high school math teacher and monitor. No noble blood runs through my veins. This is referencing the nobility- the kingly line. Royalty.

Then there is another thought-

of an exalted moral or mental character or excellence; lofty: a noble thought.

The first thing that popped into my head was 'holier-than-thou.' Lofty. Lofty just kinda shoots the idea of noble out of the sky. It makes it sound most unpleasant.

very impressive or imposing in appearance; stately; magnificent: a noble monument.

Again, not exactly fitting the bill here. When I think of imposing in appearance, I think of a linebacker. THAT is imposing. Somehow the connection wasn't being made. I don't see how thoughts, linebackers and princes are all able to be defined by one word.

Then, yet another definition for 'noble.'

of an admirably high quality; notably superior; excellent.

And then things started to make sense. Noble serves as an adjective. It describes something. I looked up its synonyms in a theasarus (two more anti-text words... look em up). Want to know the thought that noble carries?

Woah.

Seriously. That is the idea of 'noble.' It causes whoever is near whatever is noble to step back and say, "Woah." It brings admiration and respect. Think of a princess. She is stately and elegant. When she walks, speaks, smiles... people say, "Woah." Think of a large monument, a world wonder. People stop and say, "Woah."

So what this man is looking for in a wife is someone who causes others to stand back and say, "Woah!" Not because she is going through with this attitude of "I am so amazing" but because her character and conduct set her apart from the rest of the pack. Some more modern words for 'noble.'

dignified, excellent, benevolent, charitable, courtly, cultivated, dignified, distinguished, extraordinary, first-rate, generous, gracious, great-hearted, high-minded, honorable, humane, magnificent, meritorious, refined, remarkable, reputable, splendid, stately, sublime, supreme, sympathetic, upright, virtuous, worthy

I see a few words in there that ring a bell. One really sticks out because I just read it yesterday. "Virtuous"

Prov 31: 10 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

Who can find a noble woman...

Go one step further.

Who can find a princess...

A little too far, a little eccentric. Probably. That's exactly why this question is asked, "Who can find her?" Look at what such a discovery is worth, "far above rubies." Rubies. Not silver or gold. The author chose rubies, a brilliant radiant gem. A virtuous/noble woman is worth far more than that.

So, Proverbs 31 becomes the standard for living a life that makes people step back and say "Woah!" And it is a standard greatly lacking in our age. Women are encouraged into full time careers, to climb to the top of the corporate ladder and proclaim equality and leave the husband and children behind. No woman belongs 'bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen' they say. They cry for justice and for tolerance. They have murdered the woman God intended for us to be. By no means less than man, but a fulfiller of a completely different role.

Look through the 31st chapter of Proverbs. See how it references the husbands relationship to his wife. He cherishes her. If I had something that was priceless, I would cherish it too.

As a side note, the rise of the modern women has also murdered the Godly man. The prince we all dream of marrying... we killed him. When a young man strives to serve a woman she, in her climb up the ladder, ridicules him. How dare he treat her like she is incompetent? Who does he think he is to open her door? To offer his arm? She can handle herself, thank you very much. And so, our quests as Miss Independent leave us very independent and, consequently, miserable.

Today, too many women have a price. They can be purchased with money and the promise of power and respect. Young women do not know what it means to be noble. To be above the pack. To live by a different standard. A noble standard.

As daughters of the most High King, we are Daughters of the most noble birth, and it is high time we refine our skills and live the life of a princess. Strive to live a life that catches the world's attention and makes people step back and say, "Woah!"

A fancy suit: $300
A plastic face: $2000
A master's degree: $20000
A woman who fears the Lord: priceless

2009-01-25T14:24:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am aware it is Sunday morning and that many good souls would be in church right now. This good soul is feeling a little queezy, so as not to force a cleaning of my church's upholstery, I have opted to stay home. Still I have spent the morning reflecting on some of the challenges of this past week, and now that my 'post a new note' button decided to work, I wanted to share... with a ginger ale in one hand and a trash can in the other (lol).

We Christians have lost what it means to live a life following Christ. Somewhere along the line, the Christian life became cooshy. It became comfortable, complacent, even easy. Read my Bible- check. Say a prayer- check. Give an offering- check. Don't swear- check. Don't drink- check. check. check. check... done.

That view, present even in my own life, was challenged this past Tuesday. I remember the day very clearly because I was finishing up my devotional outline for Challengers on Tuesday night. Being that I work just outside of DC and it was Inauguration Day, most of our students were downtown for the 'historical occasion.' This left the school relatively quiet, and this teacher relatively bored. I searched through the school's 'library' (one shelf of books in a metal cabinet) and saw a book by Charles Sheldon entitled "In His Steps." I had nothing better to do, so I grabbed it, sat at my desk and read the first two chapters.

Praise God for even the boring days because I know He can use them for His glory! After reading the first two chapters, I was convicted to the point of being sick (today is not a remainder of that conviction. Today, I believe I have the flu). My stomach was heavy and felt caught in my throat. My mind was consumed by the accusation against Christianity made in the first two chapters of that book. All that I had known as comfortable and Christian living was called out as a fraud.

My outline on the Christian speech went in the trash and in a matter of ten minutes was replaced by one detailing a subject more threatening and deep than I had ever dared venture with these young women. Our Christian life was never ever meant to be easy. True disciples of Christ do not have comfortable lives.

To summarize. In this book, a homeless man wanders a town and finds no one to care for him. He finds himself on the steps of a minister who offers him the first and only words of comfort and encouragement he hears. The following Sunday, he wanders into the minister's church, and at the end of service confronts the congregation with their complacency. Is this really what following Jesus means? You go on your vacations to exotic summer homes while people outside your doors are starving and dying without hope. I ask you, is this what Jesus would do?

The man dies within the week but his words ring true in the heart of the pastor. He levels a challenge at his congregation to go through the year asking, "What would Jesus do?" and to do that, regardless the cost. This is true discipleship.

A group take 'the pledge' and the story goes on to tell how their choices affect their lives in drastic ways. Many lose their jobs. Many choose roads less traveled. Many are angered and forsake the pledge. For those that chose to follow in His steps, the rewards far outweigh the sacrifice.

It was a challenge to me. A call to true discipleship. Discipleship that forsakes the comforts of instant America and reaches out to the broken America. Discipleship that knows what it means to take up the cross and follow Christ. Discipleship that tastes the sufferings of Christ. The shame. The humility. The mockery. Discipleship that knows Him because it follows Him regardless of the cost, physically, financially, emotionally, socially. A discipleship that forsakes family and forgoes convenience in order to reach the lost and dying He came to save.

That is true discipleship.

Sunday morning church isn't true discipleship. That is only a part. We Americans like things easy. We want our relationship with Christ to be easy. Nevermind the fact that in one country in the Middle East in one prison alone, 3000 people are being held captive on no grounds except their Christian faith. They have sacrificed their lives. Here we sit in America, saving up money for our dream homes, driving ourselves hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt while down the street a family lies broken, but we wouldn't know because talking with them wouldn't be convenient. Heaven forbid we actually feel compassion for someone other than ourselves. Heaven forbid that God would bring to light our selfishness and greed. Heaven forbid we would feel led to actually help people.

I speak more to myself than anyone else. Ten miles down the road lies the hub of America. The side of DC tourists don't see are the crippled and lame that walk the city streets. The homeless, cold and lonely, who lie over the metro exhaust fans trying to find a little relief from the cold. The husbands and wives who lay beside the highway with nothing but a tent as shelter. The prostitute who gives herself away because it is the only job she can find. The filthy, the vile, the wretched, the blind, the deaf, the hungry...

Jesus communed with publicans and sinners. These are the people He came to save. He came for the broken, the weary, the wounded. We read the story of the good Samaritan and scoff at the religious leaders as they pass him by. How could you! How could you walk beside a man, so hurt, so broken, so in need of help!?! How could you just skirt around him? Ignore him? If I were there, I would help him. I would get down off my horse, get my hands bloody and take care of him. I would get him help. Take him to the nearest hospital and pay for the bill. I would see to it that he was taken care of.

Would you, really? Well, of course I would!

Do you?

That is the question.

Your Future Affects Your Now

2009-01-15T18:43:00.005-05:00

Call me slow but I just found out that a well-known Christian artist has 'come out of the closet.' I have this overwhelming urge to vomit. After I'm done, I want to go up to my room, gather up all of his CDs and snap them in half and put them in the trash.

Why? Not because I hate gay people. I'm not a gay basher. Do I believe the lifestyle is wrong. Yes, and I say that without shame. The homosexual lifestyle is wrong. It is sinful, perverse and wicked. I do not approve of the lifestyle, but I do love the people. After all, didn't Jesus eat with the whores and the embezlers? Yes, He did. He loved them. He came to save them.

I can't stand the hypocrites. If you struggle with something, be honest before yourself and God and then get it right.

More than that, it breaks my heart to see people who impact the world for Christ but then make a stupid decision and cover all that work in black paint. Years of ministry just went down the drain, in my opinion. A shining light for Christ has just been 'busheled.' I don't want to listen to his songs anymore because the whole time I will be thinking of him proclaiming that God made him this way and that God wouldn't send him to hell for being who He created him to be.

Are we that deceived?

Have we lost sight of the cause of Christ that much?

Understand something, your life impacts people. The decisions you make will make a difference in someone else's life. That is fact. Unless of course you live in a cave, devoid of all human contact which isn't the case because you are reading this. You impact people! The more people you impact, the more responsibility you have to make that impact a positive one.

Remember this. You will never retire from this part of your life. You may retire from singing, or teaching or preaching but people will still look up to you and the decisions you continue to make will still affect them. Your sin will have consequences. The choices you make now will affect your future, but your future choices will also affect your now.

Battling Temptation

2009-01-11T14:58:00.002-05:00

How do you battle sin? How do you 'kick' a bad habit? You, personally, how do you do it?

The New Year is often full of resolutions. We find areas in our lives that we insist on changing. Most of them center around self-discipline. I am going to exercise more. I am going to lose 10 pounds. I am going to stop doing this, start doing that, pick up this hobby, drop that hobby... basically, we are going to work on disciplining ourselves. Is that the approach we take to sin?

Is struggling with sin really a matter of lack of discipline? How are we taught to combat sin and sinful habits in the Bible?

Nearly all of the references in the Bible to dealing with sin tell us to run. They don't tell us to stand and fight. They don't even instruct us to have self-discipline. They tell us to run. Run. Flee. God even says He will provide a way to escape... not a way to fight, but a way to get away.

There are times we approach sin like we are in some self-help program trying to make us a stronger person. Instead of fleeing alcohol, we are told to stand defiantly in front of the bar and say, "Ah HA! I have conquered you. You have no power on me." We step into the bar and take our seat and order a water. Look at us. We sure must be strong, sitting at a bar and ordering water... yep, we've beat alcohol alright. Problem is, every day we sit in front of that bar we are more likely to fall.

That is how it is with sin. You can't beat it by standing defiantly and sticking your tongue out at the devil (pride anyone?). Instead, we are told to run. Doesn't seem very victorious to turn tail and run, does it? Isn't running a sign of defeat? Not to us. Running is a sign of faith and trust.

See, when we focus on 'beating' a sin, our focus is on the sin. We, essentially, have our back turned on our only Help and are trying to duke it out ourselves. But, when we run, we run into the arms of Christ, and though running may be a sign of weakness, we know that His strength is perfect in our weakness. It's a different approach, indeed, but we lead a different life. We have different motivations, different goals, different priorities. We are a peculiar people, and God calls this people to run, to flee from sin, as Lot did from Sodom. To pack up, move out, and never ever look back.

How do you need to run, this year? Maybe you need to cut ties with some unGodly friends. Don't trick yourself into thinking that you are stronger because you hang out with them. More than likely, they are undermining your faith. Eventually, you will fall. Maybe you need to unplug the TV. Unplug the computer. Radical? maybe, but isn't our faith a radical faith? Doesn't God call us to forsake all and follow Him? When it comes to sin, we are to throw it aside and run away. That might mean leaving some people or some things behind... but is anything too high a cost for a better relationship with Christ?

Are you willing to run.

Is There Still Hope?

2008-12-12T18:32:00.003-05:00

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

I wrestled the other morning with the concept of prayer. For the past month, I have prayed for a young man from our youth group who suddenly faced a battle with cancer. A malignant form of cancer that I have come to name, "Little Monster." A tumor the size of a basketball in his chest and he is only eighteen. Tonight, he is dying.

At the beginning, the prayer came easy: "Dear God, please help Daniel to beat this. Give him a miracle." For while, it seemed that that prayer would be answered. There was hope. He was improving.

But then things changed, and again, we prayed earnestly for a miracle. It wasn't until earlier this week (Wednesday to be precise) that I woke up realizing, "I am praying the wrong prayer." I struggled all day with how exactly prayer fits in with the sovereign will of God. If I pray, will it honestly change His mind? Can I pray hard enough for something to happen? What is the point of prayer? If I pray a certain way is that demonstrating doubt or faith?

At youth group that night, a lesson was given on prayer, but not on the aspect I was struggling with. So, I wrestled and wrestled and decided on my own study and discussion. Can we honestly pray the wrong prayer?

I remember election day 2008. In the days proceeding, my sister called to tell me that my grandfather would not stop ranting and raving about the election. "How could Barack be president?!?! How could God let this happen? I fasted. I prayed. I had people fasting and praying that this wouldn't happen. How could this happen? What did I do wrong?"

I've come to the conclusion that prayer isn't about changing God's mind. It is about changing our hearts. When we pray, I believe it helps us realize our position before God. First off, prayer must be taught. In Luke's account of the Lord's Prayer (Luke 11), Jesus is asked to teach the disciples how to pray. We don't have to be taught to be selfish or to tell people how we feel. Therefore, we can assume that if something comes naturally, it does not need to be taught. Prayer does not come naturally, because true prayer, is humbling yourself before the throne of an Almighty God. You wouldn't just go waltzing into the White House, stroll into the Oval Office and say, "Hey! Prez! Whazzup!" You would be shot. Instead, you learn to approach with the respect demanded by the position. Prayer is about realizing where we stand with God.

Prayer is also about realizing how dependent we are on God. If you recall the Lord's Prayer, used often as a prayer model, it starts off praising God, then asking for His will, then asking for His provision, then asking for His forgiveness, then asking for His guidance and then for His deliverance. Prayer is all about Him! Life is all about Him.

So, what is the point of prayer? I, personally, have come to believe that prayer is a part of our worship. It is a vital part of our personal relationship with God. It is when we share our hearts (which He already knows) with Him. It is while in an attitude of true prayer that we humble ourselves to His will and enter His workshop, where He can mold us, and form us into vessels fit for Him.

When He tells us to pray for our enemies it is to teach us temperance.
When He tells us to pray for those that despise us it is to teach us agape love.
When He tells us to pray for laborers it is to open our eyes to the needs of the world. (We are the laborers).
When He tells us to pray so that we do not enter temptation, He is reminding us that our flesh is weak.
When He tells us to pray for our needs, He is reminding us that He is the Provider.

Life is about God. Prayer is about God. No one figured that out more than Job. Look at his life. If anyone had a reason to ask why, it was Job. He lost everything, and I mean everything. His faith stayed strong and he cried out asking why. God answered by telling Job about Himself. God never gave Job a reason. In fact, He pretty much told Job that He didn't have to have a reason. He gave Job a little taste of His glory as His way of saying, "Trust Me." Reasonless isn't the same as hopeless. We have a hope. Our hope is found in Christ.

So, what is the right prayer to pray? Well, don't sweat it too much, because that verse in Romans 8 tells us that the Spirit knows how to pray for us and that He will fill in the blanks when we just can't figure out what to say. But if you look at the end of the verse, it says according to the will of God. See, God has a will and a plan, and sometimes, even our prayers are prayed in opposition to that plan. When we focus so much on a result, we lose hope.

A friend and I discussed this yesterday morning. We think that many Christians are disappointed because they come to God with orders, not faith. I love the approach of Job: "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him" and the Old Testament characters of Shadrach, Meshach and Obednego: "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

It may sound like doubt, but I think faith lies in saying, "God, this is the desire of my heart, but nevertheless, Your will be done." Isn't that how Jesus prayed in the garden? He prayed earnestly that the cup would be taken from Him. That He wouldn't have to suffer Calvary, but then He said, "nevertheless, Thy will be done." See, it isn't about us, and if God said, "Yes" to every fervent prayer we would be without a salvation.

So, can we pray the wrong prayer? I think we can have the wrong focus when we pray. If we pray for a specific result without leaving room for God to do what He wants, we have raised our expectations and murdered hope. His goal in all things is to work in our lives. He wants to do something with us. If we keep focusing on a physical result we miss that. Prayer becomes nothing more than a petition to the Most High- sign on the dotted line and if enough people pray, it might happen. Just like my grandfather and the election, when our requests aren't answered, our hopes are dashed to the ground.

However, hope is never lost when we focus on Christ. When we ask for His will to be done, when we ask for His strength, we can be certain we will receive both. We just can't dictate His will. He has a plan for others and for us. Those blueprints were laid long before the foundation of time. Prayer isn't meant to change those, it is meant to change us. When faced with trial, we need to pray for strength to go through the trial and for patience to learn what He is working in us. That continued work in us is what gives us hope.

"From glory and glory He is changing me, His likeness and image to perfect in me, the love of God shown to the world."

God's Testing Me, I Just Know It!

2008-11-21T22:11:00.002-05:00

Ever have one of those days where you pray for something, "God, increase my patience" or something of the sort, and soon you come to realize that when the Spirit communicated that prayer He must have said, "God, test her patience."

With everything happening with Daniel, then my grandparents... now this. God is testing me for something. I don't know if I'm passing or failing, but I know I am learning. See, this evening, for the second time this year, my kitchen caught on fire. Mind you, it was not on purpose, and it doesn't help that there is no smoke detector in our kitchen.

My brother and I were downstairs playing Halo (yes, I play, but only with my brothers) when I smelled this awful smell. It was a nauseating, 'hot' smell (like something plastic was burning). I assumed it was coming from the laundry room since my mother had just come down from upstairs (so, of course, it couldn't be from upstairs). I went into the laundry room and it wasn't there. So then I was confused and thought my computer was fritzing. I had this puzzled look on my face, turned to my mother and said, "Do you smell that?"

To which she replies, "I smelled something burning upstairs but couldn't figure out what it was."

"Like burning burning? Upstairs upstairs (where our bedrooms are) or upstairs (the main level)?"

"Upstairs."

"You smelled something burning?"

Suddenly, realization dawned on her face. She turned white as a sheet and I beat them both up the stairs. I whipped around the corner to see orange light dancing on our kitchen wall. I ran into the kitchen, saw a tower of flame and ran from the house to the van (where our fire extinguisher is supposed to be) yelling, "Fire! Fire!"

I grabbed the keys to the van on my way out the door, neglecting the fact that it is nearly freezing outside. I ran across the ground in my pjs and bare feet, ripped open the back of the van and literally jumped in.

Justin and I tore apart the van to no avail. The dumb thing is supposed to be in there. By the time we got back in the house, we discovered that our very resourceful mother had found something to smother the source of the fire and had taken the wooden knife block which was also on fire, and had thrown it in some dishwater that was left in the sink.

All doors and windows are open now. The upstairs upstairs is filled with this beautiful white smoke. I can't go to bed right now, simply because my bedroom will kill me. We have discovered that our fire alarms do not have batteries... we found that strange. They work, but they must be electric. However, we know now that they do not automatically call the fire department which is what we were afraid. Justin ripped the cover off one and we just stood there staring at this screaming piece of metal. It isn't even a normal fire alarm it doesn't do the "Beep Beep" it is almost like a school recess bell, this loud grinding sound. I wanted to shoot it. We also discovered that our bedroom windows do not open and that our house sucks in cold air really well.

I find this all comical actually. Maybe it's the fumes. We are all a little tipsy right now :-D I looked at the black wall in our kitchen, then down at my cell phone, which is riddled with messages on Daniel, and could not help but think, "God is testing me, I just know He is!"

Somehow, life is so much easier to take from that perspective :-D

Count it all joy

2008-11-04T22:31:00.002-05:00

I had a revelation today. A revelation regarding politics and the election. One of my students and I were talking earlier today about who I was going to vote for. My honest answer, "Honestly, I don't like either one of them, but I feel one is much better than the other. The thing you have to realize is that people are imperfect and all politicians are liars. None of them deliver all that they promise and each of them will screw up." I don't have a positive outlook on politics, I guess.

Tonight, my mother and I were driving home after stopping by California Tortilla so we could sport our "I Voted" stickers and get free tacos :-) As we waited in traffic on the wet pavement, I said, "All politics has become is 'don't vote for that guy.' Neither states why I should vote for him, instead, they spend all of their time bashing the other person into the groud. Like a bunch of immature junior highers. If you want to change something, you get up there and you tell me what you want to do. You tell me what your plans are. You tell me why I should pick you, not why I shouldn't pick the other guy. It just becomes a bunch of mud-slinging and if everyone starts slinging mud, what do you end up with? One big mess."

At any rate, I have been following the election tonight, watching as states turn funny colors and grow stripes. I watch as numbers go back and forth as predictions are proven not-so-accurate. A video link crossed the side of my screen. A video of children singing a song to Obama. In the middle a video was spliced of German children singing a song about Hitler. I know what the implication is.
The song goes:

"We're gonna spread happiness. We're gonna spread freedom. Obama's gonna change it. Obama's gonna lead em. He's gonna change it, and rearrange it. Obama's gonna change the world!"

The 'that's life' part of me wants to say, "Hate to break it to you kid, but no one can make people happy. And as far as spreading freedom... what do you think we are doing in Iraq?"

But as I watched the video end, I saw people's faces and I realized something. These people are searching. That is why 'change' sounds so good, because everything else we've tried hasn't worked. Funny thing is, it never will. In four years, we will face this scenario again. Parties will point fingers blaming each other for all of the downfalls of the presidency and then claiming all the victories. We do this every four years. We will never find a president everybody likes. People are searching... and they will never find what they are looking for in a man.

That realization nearly broke my heart. Those people in that video are frustrated. They are searching and probably sick and tired of not getting what they want. It doesn't matter what is going to change, as long as something is going to change. As long as someone promises life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, they find some kind of hope. But, within four years, that hope will have died.

Politics-- a search for Christ. I never really thought of it that way. In reality, that is what people are looking for. A leader who will be just, and honest. Who is not able to be bribed, who truly cares about them. A leader who will protect, and provide. Who will punish those who deserve punishment but extend grace to those who are repentent. One who promises joy and can provide. One who promises to fulfill our needs and does...abundantly.

Sound familiar? Funny, that sounds like my God, and we won't find Him here, running for president of our nation.

So...as long as you live and breathe. As long as you walk the face of this earth and have fallible man in leadership, rest assured your leadership will be fallible. Rest assured that dreams promised will not come true.

I go to bed tonight with a fair certainty that tomorrow, there will be a man packing up to move to the White House. A man that I don't want to live in that White House. I go to bed with a fair certainty that, over the next four years, our nation will change drastically. My rights will be pressed, my freedoms challenged, my faith persecuted. But most of all, I go to bed with 100% certainty of this:

Whoever is announced the 'winner' is only the 'winner' because God allowed him to be the 'winner.' My God is in control- period. No man in that White House can ever change that. And, when January 2009 rolls around, my God will not change. He will never change. He has always been, is, and will always be the one True God, the One True Answer, Holy, Just, Merciful, Gracious, Loving, Giving, Caring, Faithful, Sovereign, Almighty, Jehovah, Adonai, Jehovah Jireh, My Provider, the Everlasting God, the Lord of the Armies, the Kinsman Redeemer, the Spotless Lamb, the Beautiful One, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, my Saviour, my Creator, my Sustainer, my Peace, my Comfort, my Strength, my Shield, my Fortress, my Shelther, my Loving Father, my Portion forever...

So tell me, Mr President, what job is left for you?

I'm Back!

2008-10-14T21:55:00.002-04:00

To start, I find this fairly amusing. I visited my Facebook today and clicked on the link for this page and Facebook blocked it, saying it had been identified as a malicious site... Say what?

At any rate, I apologize to those of you who actually come here. Life has been busy and there is no excuse. Lord willing, my writing deficiency is over and I will start writing here again.

Two things I want to cover today, and then tomorrow we will begin the 'devotions' (see item 2).

Item 1: Surrender.

Christians hear this word alot. It riddles our hymnals and rings from our pulpits. It speaks of sacrifice, of giving up our hopes and dreams, of carrying our cross and denying ourselves. All very true points of surrender. The aspect I would like to discuss is the surrender that just says, "I am willing."

Surrender doesn't always involve a specific thing we are called to release. Sometimes it involves simply being willing to be used. This is the attitude of surrender. I am willing to be used and if I am willing to be used then when God asks me to 'surrender' something, my heart will have already surrendered it.

More than that, I believe God rewards the attitude of surrender. For a good year or so, I have gone back and forth with my writing. It's not that I don't love to write. I could write until the cows come home. It's the fact that I just can't see my writing ever reaching beyond my blogs and an occassional published piece of poetry. So, I get scared, scared of being used. Stupid when you think of it, but the honest to goodness truth.

I feel peace only when I have a moment of brokenness and I say, "Ok, God, this is Your call, not mine. If you want to use my words, they are Yours." When, I do that, things happen. The first time I did that, this blog was noticed out of nowhere by my youth pastor and is used as a discipleship tool for the girls in my youth ministry.

Then I decided I no longer wanted to be used in that arena. I took control of my words and my ministry suffered. When I surrendered again, I was asked to write devotionals for the youth group. Just tonight I was able to pick the courses I would like to edit for the Setting Captives Free ministry.

Has anything changed? Not really. Have I suddenly become a better writer? No, certainly not. Have I had to give up writing? No. I just had to be willing to be used. Believe me, it is harder than it looks and I struggle with it every day.

Every morning when we get up, we have a choice to make. We can either say, "God, this is Your day" or "This is my day." Every decision we make we can say, "God, just use me however You choose" or we can say, "I like this choice, so I want to go with that one." Day by day, moment by moment seeking the will of God. That is surrender.

Item 2: The Psalms.

Writing devotions for my youth group started as part of a 30 Media fast. They just haven't stopped and the 30 days is well since over. Yet, I love it, because it challenges me to search Scripture.

A couple days ago I was really struggling with what to do for devos. I wanted something to challenge the young people to search the Scriptures for themselves. I opened to Psalms and an idea popped in my mind. In keeping with that idea, I will begin to cover the Promises and Principles in the Psalms. There are lots and lots of Psalms so please know that this might take a while!! :D I am very excited to do this study. I have never done it before. I have challenged the youth to go through each Psalm and highlight the verses that refer to God in one color and the verses about our actions in our relationship to God in another color. In the end, we should have a neat picture of who God is and how we can better relate to Him. I am super excited.

So that is what will be happening on here. I will do my best to make it daily, but can make no promises. I really hope that you will join us for this study. It should be good... isn't God's word always?

Before A Fall...

2008-09-01T18:29:00.004-04:00

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

Remind me of that verse, because, apparently I forget it... often. Ever had an early Halloween? You know, one of those days that you are just enjoying life, minding your own business. Your bodies have been buried, so to speak, and there is a knock on the door. Being the pompous hard head you are, you forget to see who it is first, and open the door.

Behold, one of the aforementioned bodies, now rotten and decaying but seemingly stronger than ever, stands before you. And you, in all your pride, are now shocked to the point of no movement. The unwelcomed guest then promptly kicks down the door and barges into your house, makes his way to the fridge, grabs a soda and settles in on your couch... great. The next 24 hours well be devoted to how to get him off your sofa and out of the house.

That has been my day today. A skeleton just busted into my house and I let him trash it, and I, frankly, am so disgusted with myself I could throw up. It has been tempting numerous times throughout today. Conviction-- which tells me I still have a spiritual pulse, but no fun, regardless. My 'house' now reeks and it will take me another two months to rid it of this stench, and the temptation grows to want to find the nearest closet and lock myself in for a while.

See, Christians mess up, we really do. I mess up more often than I care to admit. There have been times when I've wondered if I'm throwing some kind of reunion to catch up with my past life. The invitation is usually the spirit of, "I got this. I got it made."

People like to make me out to be bigger than what I am. I have been thrust into the spotlight, and there are times that I have thrust myself there. I've have been told I am strong and there are times I make myself strong when I really am so weak. I am so small...if there is any greatness or beauty in me, it is because of Him. I forget that; people forget that. So, I skip a couple days of devotions, after all, I got this. I call up some old friends (figuratively speaking), after all, I got this. I wander back into the world just to take a look around because, after all, I got this. Next thing I know, there is an unwanted pest in my home and I suddenly realize "Idiot, you don't got this."

I love music. I love literary arts, of which music is one (in my opinion) and there are so many songs that are fitting for this moment in my life right now.

Stained Glass Masquerade, by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails? Is there anyone that falls? Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?
Cause when I take a look around everybody seems so strong. I know they'll soon discover that I don't belong.

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay. If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too. So with a painted grin, I play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.

Or I wish by Point of Grace

I wish I didn't feel so helpless. Wish I didn't act so selfish. Wish I didn't wring my hands night and day... I wish I wouldn't hide what's been going on inside. And I wish you wouldn't get scared and run away...wish I was doing better with all the things that matter. Guess I got some learning to do...

So, what's the answer? Well, at this point, I could easily go up to my room and pound on something until I hurt my hand. I've spent most of today under a heavy burden of guilt and frustration. I have shed tears and I have pounded stuff. I've cleaned, to the point of scrubbing our walls (I clean when I am upset). In the end though, He is my only answer. He is my only hope.

On My Own, Barlow Girl

I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life, should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time.

'Cause I promise myself I wouldn't fall but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought; all I can do is cry to You!

Oh, God You have to save me; You're my last and only hope. All my right answers fail me. I can't seem to make it on my own

I always thought that I would be strong enough. What made all of them fall couldn't take me down. Why did I think that I was above it all? I have learned that pride comes before the fall.

I can't promise that I won't fall, 'Cause here I've fallen. I know I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to You.

Can I be completely honest with you? (Of course I can, this is my blog). I struggle with self-worth, a lot. Not so much self-esteem, but self-worth. You might sit there and tell me that there is no difference. I believe there is.

I have struggled with that for... forever. That is the one sole thing that kept me from salvation for so long. I didn't feel worthy of love. There are days (like today) that I still don't. That has been a major focus of mine for the past few months. God is still working on me in that area.

You know what is amazing about God, He still loves me. Even when I don't feel loveable, He still loves me.

We are not strong outside of His grace. I wish I would stop forgetting that.

When Everything Fell...

2008-08-08T22:32:00.001-04:00

People are under a very common misconception that bad things never happen to Christians. We take the whole 'soaring on wings like eagles' and make it mean that we will sail through life, problem free. Note the word 'misconception.'

The Christian is not immune from trial. In fact, being a Christian sometimes makes us more prone to go through them. Trusting God is just that, trusting. A follower of Christ faces trials with the belief in the truth that this trial will bring about a divine purpose far above our own.

Today, after work, I received word that one of my dear friends is being deported. Deported. That he was taken by authorities and is being held miles upon miles away, facing immediate deportation to his 'motherland.'

My heart stopped and I think I forgot to breathe for a few minutes. Deported. This a man who just weeks ago was right there with me when I was struggling with the possibility of malignant cancer. This is a man who pours his heart and soul into the ministry, into serving God. He would give the shirt off his back in a heart beat. One of the kindest hearts I know. A man who, just this past Wednesday, handed me a volleyball basics book that he got a couple years ago. You just last Friday was out on the court with me breaking in the volleyball team.

To say that I am still in shock might be a tad bit of an understatement. I'm in disbelief and it really is one of those moments when my flesh wants to thrust a fist toward Heaven and question the intentions of an Almighty God. To picture, in my mind, this brother in Christ being drug away like a common criminal, and isolated from contact with those of us who love him dearly. It breaks my heart.

It makes me run to God.

I learn every time a big trial hits that I don't have to know why. Sometimes it would be nice to know though, wouldn't it? It would be nice if I came home from work and read that email and found a new one in my box that was from my Creator telling me exactly what He plans on doing. That isn't how faith works. That is how faith is worked in us.

There is a reason. It is completely beyond me at this point what exactly that reason could be. It seems unwise to rip the rug out from under a developing youth ministry. To pull the best audio visual guy from a newly-budding audio visual ministry. Seems a little bizarre to me. A lot of things don't make sense to me. What does though, is trust. I know I can trust a God who has never ever ever failed-- ever. He knows, He is in control and He cares. Above all that, there is a reason.

"Late at night I wonder why, sometimes I wonder why. Sometimes I'm so tired I don't even try. Seems everything around me fails but I hold on to the promise
that there is a reason.

Late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see the history of the saints who've gone in front of me. Through famine, plague and disbelief His hand was still upon them 'cause there is a reason. There is a reason.

He makes all things good. He makes all things good. There's a time to live and a time to die, a time for wonder and to wonder why cause there is a reason. There is a reason.

I believe in a God who sent His only son to walk upon this world and give His life for us. With blood and tears on a long, dark night we know that He believed that there is a reason. There is a reason.

For the lonely nights, and broken hearts, the widow's mite in the rich man's hand, and the continent whose blood becomes a traitor-

For the child afraid to close their eyes, the prayers that seem unanswered
There is a reason. There is a reason. "
~There is a Reason, by Caedmon's Call from OverDressed.

Up Go the Defenses

2008-07-28T20:03:00.002-04:00

Parakaleo-- that, my friends, I truly believe is my spiritual gift. I know you all are looking at me like, "Uhhh, Jessica, that word isn't even in my Bible." Wrong. It is. The word is Greek, and is translated as exhorting in English.

We have been studying Spiritual Gifts in Sunday School. It has been an interesting study. Over the years, my thoughts on the spiritual gifts have been all over the place, lacking direction and application. The material that has been presented over the past two Sundays has absolutely captured my attention. I have finally had the gifts presented to me in a practical and Biblically-back manner. After yesterday's lesson, I believe I have the gift of exhortation.

to come along side of someone with words of encouragement, comfort, consolation, and counsel to help them be all God wants them to be

The special ability God gives some to help strengthen weak, faltering, and fainthearted Christians in such a way that they are motivated to be all God wants them to be.

The ability to help others reach their full potential by means of encouraging, challenging, comforting, and guiding.

The divine enablement to present truth so as to strengthen or urge to action those who are discouraged or wavering in their faith.

People with this gift:
- come to the side of those who are weak in spirit to strengthen them
- challenge or confront others to trust and hope in the promises of God
- urge others to action by applying Biblical truth
- offers advise, an outline for a solution, or a program for progress
- motivates others to grow.

Jessica's number one passion in life: driving others to be all that God wants them to be, whether by encouragement or rebuke.

Jessica's number one problem in life: being on the other end of this action.

I was talking with an old college roommate tonight. I had received a message from a friend earlier in the day that we 'needed to talk.' Given recent actions of mine, which I know were wrong, I have a humungous hunch that our conversation, which will take place in 48 hours, will have a few akward moments. I am already akward and I don't even know for certain that we will be discussion the above-mentioned sins I committed toward this person. For me, it's like being sent to my room and told to stare at the four walls and "Wait till your dad gets home." The thought runs through my mind, "Do I have to wait?!? Why can't we just end this now. Slap me across the wrist; ground me; get it over with." (You should have seen me in high school when I got sent to the principal's office once by some control-hungry substitute teacher. You'd a thought I just got shot).

I am getting better, I think. It is still hard to be on the other end of confrontation though. For me, it is more shame that I should have known better to begin with, even embarrassment over a temporary spiritual "duh moment." But, through experience, I have found it is so easy to put up our defenses. It's like we are going into court. We gather up our arguments, our witnesses, our testimonies, our excuses and do 'mock scenarios' over and over again, fielding every accussation and barracading every weakness. You know what?

Confrontation is not a bad thing. It isn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but it is not a bad thing. The exhorter that I may be, I still have faults. And the exhorter that I may be, I can tend to be oblivious to those faults. It runs along the lines of "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." I just run my course, until all of the sudden, someone throws a mirror in front of my face. I look at it and think, "Who on earth is that?!" That's when the fellow Christian comes along and says, "Jessica, that's you." Ouch.

It's uncomfortable, because we each like to think that we are perfect (yes, you do, don't lie). But that is exactly the reason that we need people to confront us, to challenge us, so that we can become more like Him. I love Hebrews 3:13.

But exhort one another daily, while it is called today; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.

I can't imagine being exhorted daily, but God's word tells us to. Why? To prevent us from becoming hardened to sin. See sin doesn't march into your life wearing a sleazy outfit and a nametag that says, "Hi! My name is sin, and I am here to ruin your life." Most Christians spot those sins and avoid them rather easily. It's the tricky little ones that get us. It's the little spots on our face: the proud look, a quick tongue (guilty) or, my personal downfall, quick to react (too quick). I can go days lighting into people before finally someone stands up and says, "Jessica, this isn't cool!" I have totally missed it. While dodging all of the big bad bullies and avoiding the alleys, I have been infected by this little tick of a sin. It is important, yay, even necessary for someone else to come up to me and say, "Jessica, you know that you have this problem, right? You know that it's affecting your relationship with God and with other people, right?"

It's good for me. It is good for me to get that out of my life. No, it isn't comfortable, but it is pointless to try and defend it. Sin is not your friend and your friends are not bullies (at least they shouldn't be). The body of Christ was constructed to edify and encourage one another, even groom one another to become more like Christ. I have friends in my life who are willing to put the comfort of our relationship at stake for the sake of my spiritual walk. Those are HUGE blessings. They care! They love you that much.

So, next time someone looks at you and says, "Ummm...we need to talk." Put the briefcase away and leave the defenses down. Let your friends be Christ to you. Let them show you areas in your life that you need to change and then take action to change them. Treat them with respect, because one day, you may need to do the same for them.

Breath of Salvation

2008-07-25T16:57:00.002-04:00

"This is what the soul must feel at the moment of redemption." That is what I have been thinking since about noon today. To recap, last Friday, I went into visit my doctor to renew some prescriptions. Through the course of our visit, she found two masses, one in my throat, the other near my right arm, in my breast. She sent me for bloodwork and ultrasounds. I had the ultrasounds today.

This past week has been a trial and a half. I have learned much that I overlooked before. I have learned the beauty of everyday. The miracle of life. The gift of Godly friends and the power of Christ.

Today, I explained everything to the ultrasound tech and in 15 minutes she had both ultrasounds completed. My brain was whirring because she had spent, what seemed to me, a significant portion of time focusing on the right side of my neck. She excused herself to go discuss my tests with the radiologist. I sat there on the bed thinking, "This is it! This is it! I just know it. This is bad news. Why is she taking so long? They must be calling the specialists. They are probably calling a doctor. She hasn't turned the machine off, they must want to do further tests."

She came back in the room and said to me, "I have talked with the radiologist. We really have no idea why your doctor sent you here.
We can't find anything at all in either place. Your thyroid is perfectly normal. There is nothing here to be concerned about. You are fine, you are healthy,
have a great day, kid."

I think I screamed for joy. I can't remember. I know that I was nearly relieved to the point of tears. I thanked her, told her she had just made my day and left the office.

If I knew how, I could have cartwheeled all the way to work. I practically ran through the doors of the office and told my coworker. She about screamed for me. My aunt, the doubting Thomas that she is, took a little more convincing. But I remember thinking, "This is how redemption feels."

We, in our sinful state, stand on the edge of a death sentence. All we are waiting for is judgement day to tell us to take ourselves and our sins to the deepest pits of hell for eternity. We are hopeless. But then God, in all of His love and in all of His glory, when we believe in who He is, in what He has done for us and rely on Him, we find ourselves alive. Not only alive but cleansed! There is no trace of what once was. He removes it all, leaving us free to live an abundant life. That is the power of grace, and I am loving every minute of it!

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I have learned lessons that I pray I never forget. Our lives truly are not forever, and we indeed, are not invincible. But God, God is ever faithful. He is mighty to save!

Tomorrow

2008-07-24T22:55:00.003-04:00

In twelve hours I will be sitting in a waiting room, preparing to undergo approximately an hour of ultrasound tests. What a way to spend a Friday! :-D

I've said it a million times and I am sure I will say it a couple million more: I am so grateful for Godly friends. Friends that have the right perspective. At work, the attitude is, "Oh, that stinks, man, I am sure glad I am not you." It is amazing to see that contrasted to the body of Christ. The Christlike friends I know have come around me and encouraged me. They have seen a better perspective, a more excellent purpose.

I was talking with a friend tonight, and she started laughing. I looked at her like she grew three heads (not that she already had two) and was thinking to myself, "Ummm...OK. What is so funny?" Get this. She was laughing because the thought had danced across her mind that I might meet my future husband through this trial. Random, yes. That's why I love her :-D

Truth is, I have put a lot of my dreams on hold. I'm not afraid to admit that. What once seemed like a major priority: finding a husband, raising a family, has paled in comparison to my calling to live for Him. In all honesty, it is hard to dream when you know that there is a pretty good chance that those dreams will never come true.

In all reality, that's how we all should live our lives though. You never know when your time is up. Car accidents, heart attacks and freak accidents kill people every day. People who had dreams. Now they have no tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. It's HUGE. But my God's hands are bigger, and He holds tomorrow.

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. James 4:14

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Matthew 6:33-34

Someone Else's Isaac

2008-07-23T21:28:00.003-04:00

I'm writing this during a fairly impressive thunderstorm. We'll see if it makes it to the finish without me having to restart my computer :-)

Tonight, I had a brief but deep conversation with a friend at church. She looked at me point blank and asked, "What do you think when you think about what might happen?" That's a tough question.

She went on to say that I have always wanted to be the next Jim Elliot. I have been wracking my brain for the last two hours trying to figure out when on earth I told her that. It is true; I have always wanted to live a life that impacted the world, a life of complete surrender. For me that probably doesn't include learning a foreign language and traipsing into a spear-bearing crowd. Sacrifice looks different for everyone.

The thought occurred to me on the way home tonight, "Am I willing to be someone else's Isaac?" The sacrifice that must take place in order to 'prove' one's faith.

For years, I have prayed for the faith of my family, that they would grasp God. That they would truly KNOW Him. Nothing has seemed to work, and I remember once praying, "God whatever it takes. I would die if I knew that it would bring them closer to you." We both smiled tonight when I told her that this isn't quite what I expected.

To be truthful, my outlook on my future has changed a lot over the past five days. I suddenly realize that we really aren't promised tomorrow. It's funny, you hit 21 and think you are invincible. You're not. I'm not, and every time I feel the catch in my neck or the ache under my arm I am reminded of how UN-invincible I am. But He holds tomorrow. I could easily get in a serious accident and have the whole thing be over with. Only He knows.

"If my life is going to change, I am going to change someone else's with it." I said that, and she remembered it. That is truth.

I don't know if that change would include death at this point. She and I talked about that. I told her that for all I know, I could just have pain that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. They could just be cysts that are going to drive me bonkers for forever, but I would be a fool to not consider what is possible.

My life has changed, and it will continue to change. These past few days have ignited a passion unlike any I have ever known. It is easy to give up your dreams when you don't think you will have time for them anyway. I have seen what my priorities are and what they should be. May the outcome of these tests never change that perspective. I live, not for myself, but for the glory of God.

I think back to two dear friends I have lost in the last 4 years, both 22. Darcy and Josh. Darcy had 'all of her dreams.' She was married to an amazing man, a preacher. They were out on ministry singing and were killed instantly in a fiery crash. Josh was on the brink of all of his dreams. He was engaged to be married, ready to enter training to be a local church missionary. He fought cancer for a year, until it took him. Both have majorly impacted my life. They have been Isaacs to me. Willing servants of the Most High, who were obedient to His leading, whose deaths changed my faith.

If my death meant that just one teenager caught on fire for God, would I go willingly? Am I willing to be Isaac for someone else?

See God Through This

2008-07-23T17:24:00.001-04:00

I got my bloodwork back today. It says I am normal (scientific proof for those of you who doubted). My mother and I aren't quite sure if the result is cause for rejoicing or concern. Being normal means that this mass in my throat is not my thyroid, which could be a bad thing. He is still in control. I appreciate all of your prayers.

These past few days have been a bit of a trial. I must say that they have strengthened my faith to a level I could have never before imagined. I went into the mindset of "Look at this through God." I would cry, often. People asked me if this was 'scary.' My answer, "Umm...yeah, it is."

In the last day or two, my perspective has changed to "Look at God through this." See, God doesn't change, and focusing on Him puts my current woes in a much different light. Certainly, uncertainty is still scary. It is not the most comforting of states, but I am in the most comforting of places. I have 'survived' since Sunday. No tears. Not because I am trying to be strong, but because He has given me a strength that I do not understand.

My ultrasounds are on Friday. We will certainly know more then. Most assuring is that He already knows. I appreciate your continued prayers. I am indebted to you all.

Life goes on as normal. I have MOCOYOGRO tonight, volleyball tomorrow and an all-day volleyball tournament on Saturday, church on Sunday and start the whole thing all over again :-)

I wanted to share this thought of the day, though. I found it on an old piece of scrap paper from college. It was lying on our bathroom sink this morning. I have no clue how it got there. It is a quote from Charles Spurgeon:

Those who navigate little streams and shallow creeks, know but little of the God of tempests; but those who 'do business in great waters', these see His wonders in the deep. Among the huge Atlantic waves of bereavement, poverty, temptations and reproach, we learn the power of Jehovah, because we feel the littleness of man.

And this I pray, to see God through this. Father, show me Your glory.

From whence cometh my help.

2008-07-21T20:09:00.003-04:00

"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. "
Psalms 121

I am fully convinced that all men with Bachelor of Divinity degrees are psychic. (I am joking, obviously). Do you ever have moments like that though? You step into church, struggling with something, and as you listen to the message you are thinking, "Who told him! Who told him that I was struggling with this?" Answer: God. I don't think I'll hold it against Him.

This past Sunday morning, I sat in morning service. It had been two days since I had the first warning tremors of something big about to happen. I thought I had life under control. People asked me how I was doing. "Fine" I would answer. Truthfully, I am fine, except for this little riptide I am in right now. Other than that, I'm good. I figured I had it under control. I mean, I got through Saturday without crying, which is a fact I am very proud of.

Enter pastor's sermon.

For his opening illustration, he shared a phone conversation he had with his son's father-in-law (we really need to come up with a title for that). This man is a pastor out in California and has been given a year to live with his cancer. Pastor says he spoke with him and that this man said, "You don't realize how selfish you are until all of your chips are out." Fall, tear one.

Pastor went on to give a sermon on "The Upward Look." His base text was Psalm 121. I remember his points. The Upward Look brings salvation. The Upward Look brings hope. The Upward Look brings peace. The Upward Look brings action. All the while, I am sitting in my pew with tears streaming down my face. He opened the invitation with, "Is there something that is completely out of your hands. You know, we people, we try to help, but sometimes the only One who can help you is God."
As I hunted through my purse for my tissues all I kept thinking was, "How on earth did he find out?"

I needed that message. It was a booster shot to my weakened faith. Of course I know that I am supposed to be relying on God, but sometimes just hearing someone else say it helps.

Then this morning, in my morning devotions, I read a "leadership principle" taken from a Peace Corps commercial, of all places. The phrase: If you aren't doing something with your life, it doesn't matter how long it is.

Wow.

I have been trying to practice the Upward Look. Trying to practice a selfless life. I still have so far to go. As I got my blood drawn for tests this morning, I prayed a silent prayer, "God, I don't know why. I don't understand why. As much as I want to know why, I also know that You are in control. You already know the results of this test. I admit, the possibilities scare me, but I know they don't scare You. You have planned this, for reasons I do not know. You have planned this to be part of my life. To be what I experience right now. Be my Help, Father. Be my Sufficiency. I know that You are with me, even now. Even in the valley of the shadow. However the outcome, use it for Your glory. That is the very reason I live and breathe. For Your glory, Lord. In Christ's name, Amen."

And the Upward Look brought peace.

Walk on Water

2008-07-19T20:37:00.004-04:00

The times in our lives when it seems hardest are the times that we have lost our sight of Him.

I have struggled in the last 24 hours, especially to remember where God is. Right beside me, right where He has always been.

God tries our faith, this much is true. I think of the story of Peter and walking across the water. Christ says, "Come on out, Peter." So Peter jumps out of the boat, and for a few moments, life is great. He is on top of the world. He is doing the impossible. It had to have been SO COOL! Then, all of the sudden, he thinks to himself, "Look at those waves! This was a bad idea!" and down he goes. Peter took his eyes off Christ. He started focusing on his circumstance. The coolness of the impossible all of the sudden became, "What on EARTH am I doing?!!?"

Our faith is like that. Life is peachy keen while we are on top of the waves. While we are cruising along. It's so cool and living for God is totally rad ;-) All of the sudden salt water licks at our kneecaps and we look down. Then, down we go. We take our eyes off Christ and we focus on our situation, we freak out and instead of reaching out to Him, we drown. Bad idea.

I am thankful for Godly friends. They have kept my focus on Him when it has been so hard. I spoke with one last night and told him, "Whether it is or isn't (cancer) the only part of my life that I want to change is my passion to live it." Today, I did just that. I got out of home, I chilled with the boys :-) We went and played sand volleyball. It was the first time I really noticed the growing lump in my throat. They waited patiently for me as I continually took breaks to make sure I didn't overdo it. We went out to lunch and spoke of God, of our walk with Him, of how we struggle with certain aspects of our lives.

One thing we discussed was our daily devotional lives. A friend said, "Isn't it funny how the days you spend time with God seem to go so well and then the days you don't, everything falls apart." Throughout our discussion, we determined it all comes back to discipline. I shared with them that Friday morning I was running late. I had ten minutes to spare and the thought crossed my mind, "Sorry God, I just don't have time this morning, maybe later." Conviction flooded me and I thought to myself, "No, you need this, you need to do this, even if it isn't a lot of time." I told them that those few moments I spent are what got me through yesterday. Without those moments of reflection and worship, I would have drowned. We must keep our focus on Him.

I didn't cry today, at least not until I started talking with my mom. Life suddenly feels different when you realize that in a matter of weeks I might be scheduling surgery or chemotherapy. Pretty much my life is going to change drastically in one way or the other. I will probably have to take medicine everyday for the rest of my life. I could die. These are waves, and they are calling out to me to fall in.

There are times I feel myself sinking. Panic begins to set in, but then I remember who He is and where He is. He is my Saviour, the Maker of the mountains I am unable to climb, my Fortress, my Rock, my Deliverer, my Sufficiency, the Lover of my Soul, the Creator of my life, the Sustainer of my being, the only One worthy of all of my praise and He has never left me. He has not changed. My circumstances should not change my relationship with Him except to draw me closer.

One of the songs that I have fallen in love with over the past couple weeks is "Mighty to Save" by Laura Story (or Hillsong United). I love the chorus:

"Saviour, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save; He is mighty to save. Forever, Author of Salvation. He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave."

He is my saviour and He is mighty to save, but even if He doesn't 'save' me from this, He is still mighty. Praise God.

Control

2008-07-18T18:09:00.003-04:00

God really has a way of hammering home the lessons He is trying to teach me. I have spent this week studying the portion of Chronicles that discusses the building of the temple. Even this morning I sat amazed at the sovereignty of God. I was amazed at how He took care of every little detail. He was in it all, right down to the smallest tribe, He was involved, He cared. That touched me this morning. It excited me. Sitting here now, twelve hours later, I understand why.

I went into work today, like every other day. Went to a doctor's 'well visit' appointment just to renew some prescriptions before my insurance is terminated. I walked out with two new prescriptions and orders for diagnostic testing. I might have cancer. That isn't quite the 'well office' visit I was going for.

Ever have one of those days when you want to hit the pause button and rewind. Like you didn't quite catch an amazing play at a football game so you say, "Oh, no! That was too cool, rewind that and play it back in slow motion. I just can't believe it!!" I've been doing that in my head all day. "God, take me back to this morning, knowing what I know now and let me just live this day over again because it all happened so fast."

Tears have come on and off all day as I have struggled with understanding why. I have hit rewind and played the whole day over again. I start with this morning and my time in the Word. I remember how much I rejoiced at the sovereignty of God that now every fiber of my being screams to question. My mind has rushed ahead: "What if it is? How long do I have? Should I up my life insurance policy? Should I get a better health insurance plan?" My mother and I seriously sat down this afternoon and looked at health insurance plans that cover chemotherapy and inpatient hospitalization. We even discussed the benefits of one insurance that has a life insurance option.

As the day has played over and over again, I have become more and more at peace with who He is. I don't have to understand why. As much as this day rocked my world, God knew. He knew what this day would hold when I woke up this morning. That and He knows what the tests next Friday will reveal.

As I've read through Chronicles, I've seen the sovereignty of God at work. I've seen how He used David. Did you know that David couldn't build the temple because of the blood that he had shed? Did you know that Solomon was chosen because his reign would be full of peace? Did you know that the peace of Solomon's reign was the result of the bloodshed? Read it! It's in there! I promise I am not making it up:
The very thing that kept David from building the temple was the very thing that allowed Solomon to build it. How AWESOME is that!!

It reminds me of the verse in Romans: All things work together for good.

Doesn't mean all things are good, but that they work together for good. The end result of what they will accomplish is controlled by the hand of the Benevolent One.

I watched a video in MOCOYOGRO about an aussie name Nick. Nick was born without arms or legs. It is amazing to hear him preach. To see him, standing on a table proclaiming the goodness of God in his life.

Goodness??!?! You say. Goodness?!? How can a man with no arms and no legs consider that God's goodness? That deformity has opened up opportunities that no two-legged person could ever accomplish. What we see as bad is working out for good...according to His purpose.

That's really what it all boils down to, isn't it. Living a life of reckless abandon means surrendering completely to His purpose. That is the very reason for our breathing. And you know what? God would never waste a life. If I am here, I am here for a reason. If I have cancer, I have it for a reason. If I die, I die for a reason. He knew...and He allowed because He has a reason, a reason for this testing of my faith. A reason for this time of uncertainty. He has a reason, and He, not I, is ultimately in control.

Pray the Promises of God

2008-07-15T19:31:00.003-04:00

For a couple months now, friends have been really challenging me in the aspect of prayer. One big thing I hear is "Claim the Promises of God." What on earth is that supposed to mean?? The Bible tells us to pray boldly. How does that look? Do I just march into the throneroom of grace, lay open my Bible and say, "Listen, you promised this this and this and I want it now." That's bold. Not sure about respectful, but it is bold.

It reminds me of an attorney's commercial on TV right now. People are shown screaming at their TV's or out their windows. Their battle cry is "It's my money and I need it now!" Is that how we approach God?

Me. I was raised praying like this, "Dear Lord, I really want this and such, like I really really want it, but Your will be done. Amen." A friend challenged me recently that a prayer like that isn't exactly bold and it isn't exactly a faith-based prayer. Might be a good reason why nothing was really happening when I prayed. If something I wanted didn't happen, I just figured it wasn't God's will.

Yesterday morning, I was reading through Chronicles and came across this passage in 1 Chronicles 17.

For thou, O my God, hast told thy servant that thou wilt build him an house: therefore thy servant hath found in his heart to pray before thee. And now, LORD, thou art God, and hast promised this goodness unto thy servant: Now therefore let it please thee to bless the house of thy servant, that it may be before thee for ever: for thou blessest, O LORD, and it shall be blessed for ever.
1 Chronicles 17:25-27

In context, this passage falls in the chapter of Scripture where David desires to build a house for the ark. His advisor, for lack of a better word, tell him to go for it. That night, God tells his advisor to tell David not to do it. Instead, God will use David's descendants to build the ark. He promises to establish David's family for forever and to never leave his line. (A promise fulfilled in Christ, for those of you wondering).

So here is this promise from God. David has just heard it. It has just been given. We all know God is a God of His word, He cannot lie, He does not make promises that He will not keep. So, you would think David could kinda put that promise in his back pocket to pull out later. Instead, he prays for God to do as He has promised!

Why?

Does he doubt God? No.
Did God tell him to? No.

So what was his reason? Worship.

David declared the promise of God in his prayer as worship to God. Praying for it did four things.

1. It showed he was listening to God
2. It showed he believed God
3. It showed he trusted God
4. It reminded him of the power of God

If I claim the promises of God in my prayer it reminds me of all that He is and all that I am not.

That attitude, of praying the promises of God, has revolutionized my prayer life so far this week. It is one thing to come before God timid and unsure and praying the vanilla "Your will" prayer, disregarding your hopes and dreams. It is another thing to go blazing before Him demanding (like the prodigal son, coincidentally) that He has promised you this and you need it now. I think the happy medium is this, to approach God and claim His promises, not as reminders to Him but reminders to ourselves. In doing so, we humble ourselves before the One who gives and takes away, yet we know that if we ask, He will give it to us. It is a sweet fellowship of trust and obedience.

I don't know if I am showing it well on here. Just imagine how it would change our lives if we went through the Bible and claimed all of the promises that God has given us.